April 26, 2001

Written on on Apr 26, 2001. Filed in Inspirations

I’m so unsure about all this. Agnes says* that is a sign of an artist. She should know.

April 24, 2001

Written on on Apr 24, 2001. Filed in General Writing

I did my morning ritual and then tidied the flat a bit. After that I felt that today was the day to start to learn to paint again. I absolutely love watercolour paints, the only problem is, I don’t know how to use them.

I opened up my book and started to follow the instructions. Paint a moon, a heart. Do a colour wash, blend these colours. One, two, three.

I followed the instructions. Only my moon looked like a big blob, my heart didn’t look like a heart, my colour wash was all washed into one murky colour and I was counting negative numbers. Not what I wanted to happen.

So I emailed Chris. Actually I whined to Chris.

To: Chris
From: Alex
I cant paint. I’ve been trying that book and all I do is ugly stuff. I hate it. I hate that dumb ass painting book. Maybe I should just go back to the office. I know how to collate.

To Alex
From Chris
you can’t expect to become Van Gogh overnight. It takes lots of practice, practice expressing yourself in that medium. Every time you paint you get a better idea of what you like and what you don’t, how you express and how you want to. And the next time, you do it just a little bit better. But, up to you.

To Chris
From Alex
IM just frustrated because I don’t even know what I want to paint or express or how or anything and I feel stupid because I want to and I cant and im angry and frustrated and I hate my 5th grade teacher. Damn her.

To Alex
From Chris
I think, the most important part is that you can’t use your brain. You have to disconnect your brain. Your brain is the part that judges and second-guesses and has all these hang-ups from 5th grade teachers.

The brain never really creates anything anyway, it just thinks about things. The heart/soul is where the creativity comes from, that element that can’t be defined, that can’t be measured or duplicated, that makes us who we are. But normally everything always passes through your brain first, that’s how we do things like hating someone but stopping ourselves from cussing them out, because our brains keep us in check and allow us to function productively with the rest of the world. But creativity isn’t about the rest of the world, it’s about you, and so you have to figure out somehow how to turn off your brain while you’re creating, or Maybe not turn it off, but just let what’s coming from your heart go past it without being judged.

You have to let what’s coming from your heart go straight from your heart to the canvas, or the paper, or the keyboard, or the camera, or whatever it is you’re in the mood to do at the moment. I think that’s the most challenging thing, and it takes practice, and it’s frustrating because we’re always told to use our heads.

I think once you start doing it, Maybe in little bits at a time, it gradually gets easier, and if you can force your brain to turn itself off — which takes discipline — then after a while you realize you’re actually creating and freely expressing and it becomes a habit instead of a chore.

To Chris
From Alex
I know what you’re saying is true, but its hard to listen to it. I’m afraid of being wrong or being proud of something and somebody saying its ugly. And I’m afraid of always painting like I’m 10. And I also feel like because I left a corporate job to be an artist, that I should be an artist right now, not take time to learn. I feel like I’m a slacker when I learn.

After that exchange I felt a bit better. I decided to put away the watercolours for the moment and take out my camera instead. I fooled around with it until the batteries went dead. And as they sat charging up, I took the time to do some more writing. 1PM and I’m feeling productive, this is good.

To Alex
From Chris
I know you want results right now to prove that you were right. But you may not get results that make you feel that way for weeks, or Maybe even months. You have to just have faith that it IS within you to do it, and you know it is, and I know you have it. As long as it is there, it’s just a matter of figuring out how to let it come out, how to express it and let yourself express it. That’s the challenge and it may take time to retrain yourself. Some days you may feel you didn’t produce anything at all, that it was lousy, a waste, and you will lose faith. And on those days, I think you just need a mocha.

April 23, 2001

Written on on Apr 23, 2001. Filed in General Writing

I got an email from a friend this morning. It stares at me, waiting for me to reply but I can’t. I don’t know how to answer her question because it seems too big. Yet all she asked was “How is your first day on the job as a freelance artist?”

I could tell her it’s overwhelming and that I don’t know where to begin. Where do I start? Do I paint, write, think, create, eat, put on lipstick?

April 20, 2001

Written on on Apr 20, 2001. Filed in General Writing

At age 27, I have had more jobs than any 27-year-old should really have. None of them have really mattered and I never really became a part of the company. However, the job that I have chosen to leave was the first one where I had made a huge difference and had created a lot of friendships. Saying good bye was hard, especially since I was unsure that leaving was such a good idea.

Going in to work this morning, I was quiet. This, you should know, is a rare thing. But I wasn’t sure how today would turn out. People were still finding out that I was leaving and I was a bit defensive. I didn’t think I’d get support or even kind words or that anyone would notice when I slipped out the door for the last time.

Never underestimate what happens when you choose to live your dream. I understand that now.

At lunchtime, a huge crowd gathered to throw me a surprise going away party. Everyone from everywhere had come out to say good bye and toast to me. They sung silly songs, said stories about me, hugged me, and some actually got very emotional. I was overwhelmed by all this and not prepared. Especially for what people said.

Over and over I heard them say, “You are such an amazing person. I’ve never known anyone like you. If anyone has the means to make their dream come true, it’s you. I believe in you. I know I will be reading a book by you someday.”

People told me how I had inspired them. People told me how much the enjoyed having me around. How I created such a good atmosphere. How I listened, how I was terribly, terribly cheeky. I never knew what kind of impact I had. Each time someone spoke to me, I was humbled and shocked.

Not one person ever said a negative word – they all believed in me, and believed in any future success. All their happy good luck vibes had such an effect on me it was the boost that I needed, and it made me feel that I’m on the right path. Now, I knew that what I was doing was right. If all these people believed in me, it was time to believe in myself.

On the way home, I got off my bus an hour early and walked the rest of the way home. I took out my camera and slung it over my shoulder. On my way home I transformed. With every step I took, I let go of every secretarial skill in me and started to look for photographic moments and things to write about.

With every step home, I said good bye to Alex the Executive Administrator and Hullo to Alex the writer.

April 16, 2001

Written on on Apr 16, 2001. Filed in Favourite Entries & Quotes

It’s only been one week since everything started. One week. It feels like an eternity. I have flipped my world upside-down. I have given up security, sanity and life as I know it. And right now, I’m not too sure what to make of it all.

The first weekend in April, my husband Chris and I took a train trip to Vancouver and stayed overnight for a little getaway. That’s when I came to the decision to quit my job and become a writer. I gave my notice of resignation to my boss, the president of the company, and he told me too keep it quiet. He said to me, “I’m not sure what to tell people why you’re leaving.”

“You can tell them it’s because I’m going to write.” I said.

“No, that doesn’t make sense.”

All week long I wanted to take my resignation back. I thought, What the hell am I doing? I’m really good at my job. I actually like a lot of people there. I make a lot o money. I can buy anything, go anywhere and do anything. I contribute to my savings. I have a place to go everyday. Why am I walking away from all this when I have no idea what I’m walking toward? I was filled with such self-doubt, it was almost unbearable. The euphoria I had felt over realizaing the need to live my passion was short lived. I wondered if I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

On Friday the 13th I drove alone to Vancouver. I stayed with a friend, a woman who could help me find my center. She’s 57, very creative, extremely interesting and completely compassionate. She listened to me talk about my uncertainty and then advised me over a mocha and popcorn, “to give it a try.”

“If one does not succeed, that does not mean failure,” she said. “Look at all the wonderful singers and artists that are out there – some made it big, others did not, and that does not mean that they failed. They lived truly, and that is never failure.” I realized that I’d be an unhappy executive, no matter how much money I’d make. I have to be happy in what I do. There is so much to do and see and WRITE.

“Go for it. If you don’t, you’ll grow old and say, “‘I should have.’” I hugged her, filled with new resolve.

Then I returned to work. Today, word got out to the senior managers that I resigned last week. The president has told them to keep it quiet for now, despite the fact that this Friday is my last day. My boss thinks that if word gets out that I’m leaving, morale will get even lower.

The doubt came back when he said that. I’m good at my job. I’m central to the company. The employees I supervise and manage think I’m the best boss ever. Can I really tell people, “Sorry, you’re on your own?” I started to feel guilty.

The senior managers approached me throughout the day and asked why I was leaving. “Are you getting more money somewhere else?” they’d ask.

“No,” I said. “I’m going to write.”

“Write what?”

“I’m not sure right now.”

“What? You mean you don’t have a job to go to?”

Eventually, most of them were really supportive. I got the sense that they wished they could go chase their dreams too. But for now the transition is awkward. There are a lot of people I haven’t told yet because I haven’t been allowed to, and I know their reactions will be negative. Some people have a hard time dealing with other’s success, ambition, or happiness. Jealousy can be a real bitch.

So for now I’m just finishing up work, processing reactions (both mine and others’), and basically trying to get through each day. It’s hard. Living your dream is really hard work, which is why, I suspect, most people do not live their dreams. I’m not, however, most people. I’m going to chase mine – hard. Even if nothing big ever comes of it, I have to try. I have to know.

I’ve asked myself all the “what if” questions this past week like: What if I don’t make money? What if I get lazy? What if I end up like so-and-so who has talent but sits around all day afraid of the world? What if I really don’t have talent? But I figure the only what if question that really matters is: What if I don’t try this?

What if?