April 24, 2001

Posted by on Apr 24, 2001 in General Writing

I did my morning ritual and then tidied the flat a bit. After that I felt that today was the day to start to learn to paint again. I absolutely love watercolour paints, the only problem is, I don’t know how to use them.

I opened up my book and started to follow the instructions. Paint a moon, a heart. Do a colour wash, blend these colours. One, two, three.

I followed the instructions. Only my moon looked like a big blob, my heart didn’t look like a heart, my colour wash was all washed into one murky colour and I was counting negative numbers. Not what I wanted to happen.

So I emailed Chris. Actually I whined to Chris.

To: Chris
From: Alex
I cant paint. I’ve been trying that book and all I do is ugly stuff. I hate it. I hate that dumb ass painting book. Maybe I should just go back to the office. I know how to collate.

To Alex
From Chris
you can’t expect to become Van Gogh overnight. It takes lots of practice, practice expressing yourself in that medium. Every time you paint you get a better idea of what you like and what you don’t, how you express and how you want to. And the next time, you do it just a little bit better. But, up to you.

To Chris
From Alex
IM just frustrated because I don’t even know what I want to paint or express or how or anything and I feel stupid because I want to and I cant and im angry and frustrated and I hate my 5th grade teacher. Damn her.

To Alex
From Chris
I think, the most important part is that you can’t use your brain. You have to disconnect your brain. Your brain is the part that judges and second-guesses and has all these hang-ups from 5th grade teachers.

The brain never really creates anything anyway, it just thinks about things. The heart/soul is where the creativity comes from, that element that can’t be defined, that can’t be measured or duplicated, that makes us who we are. But normally everything always passes through your brain first, that’s how we do things like hating someone but stopping ourselves from cussing them out, because our brains keep us in check and allow us to function productively with the rest of the world. But creativity isn’t about the rest of the world, it’s about you, and so you have to figure out somehow how to turn off your brain while you’re creating, or Maybe not turn it off, but just let what’s coming from your heart go past it without being judged.

You have to let what’s coming from your heart go straight from your heart to the canvas, or the paper, or the keyboard, or the camera, or whatever it is you’re in the mood to do at the moment. I think that’s the most challenging thing, and it takes practice, and it’s frustrating because we’re always told to use our heads.

I think once you start doing it, Maybe in little bits at a time, it gradually gets easier, and if you can force your brain to turn itself off — which takes discipline — then after a while you realize you’re actually creating and freely expressing and it becomes a habit instead of a chore.

To Chris
From Alex
I know what you’re saying is true, but its hard to listen to it. I’m afraid of being wrong or being proud of something and somebody saying its ugly. And I’m afraid of always painting like I’m 10. And I also feel like because I left a corporate job to be an artist, that I should be an artist right now, not take time to learn. I feel like I’m a slacker when I learn.

After that exchange I felt a bit better. I decided to put away the watercolours for the moment and take out my camera instead. I fooled around with it until the batteries went dead. And as they sat charging up, I took the time to do some more writing. 1PM and I’m feeling productive, this is good.

To Alex
From Chris
I know you want results right now to prove that you were right. But you may not get results that make you feel that way for weeks, or Maybe even months. You have to just have faith that it IS within you to do it, and you know it is, and I know you have it. As long as it is there, it’s just a matter of figuring out how to let it come out, how to express it and let yourself express it. That’s the challenge and it may take time to retrain yourself. Some days you may feel you didn’t produce anything at all, that it was lousy, a waste, and you will lose faith. And on those days, I think you just need a mocha.