Archive for May 2001

I am not an emotional type soul, really. I don’t carry around tissues because I don’t cry at everything. I don’t see cute little furry animals or babies and coo and say “awww.” I’m not out there hugging the world. I change channels when I see the little biafrans asking for money.

However, I’ve been a little emotional the last few days because of people’s reactions to me.

I have found myself linked on sites with the most complimentary words you could imagine. People telling me they like my words, they relate to my words. They like my design, my style. This means a lot to me, because they’re writing all of this based on my portfolio site, my work site, my dream site. It makes me feel as though what I’ve chosen to do, write, is the right thing. I’m overwhelmed by all the positive energy I’ve received from people. It’s making writing at 3AM or coding at 4AM a little easier to bare. The big projects now seem so worth it.

So, thank you, anyone, who believes even just a little.

One of the hardest things about writing is to understand that the first thing you type can’t – and shouldn’t – be perfect. This is hard to understand.

On my first day as a freelance writer, I truly believed that I would sit down and write the most entertaining, thought provoking, interesting sentences you could have ever read. Of course, on my first day as a freelance writer those wonderful perfect sentences were not very wonderful.

After spending an hour writing down a brilliant idea I had, I’d give up. I’d think of how much time I had just wasted writing garbage. No one’s going to be interested in that, I’d think.

I kept thinking that it had to come out perfect the first time and that was a very frustrating thing to think. I forgot that sometimes you just have to write for the sake of writing Almost like the way an athelete has to practice every day to stay in shape, regardless if they’re going out for a big race or not.

I told myself that at least I kept writing and capturing the ideas I had. Things was training for me and perhaps in time there’d even be an idea somewhere in one of these daily writings.

I’m not always good at just letting the words come out without stopping them, but I’m working on it. I’m slowly getting into the pattern of writing without thinking. Which could be a dangerous thing if that’s all I ever do but for the moment, it’s actually a very freeing feeling.

My inner critic works very hard and I’m trying to stop them for the next little bit while I just get the writer out first.

Before I tried to be a writer, I was doing a fantastic job of being one. I wrote constantly in my spare time and recorded every idea I had when I thought of it. I would work on something at 2am and not think anything of it. Lunch breaks weren’t for lunch, but for fitting in some writing. My mind was always whirling around trying this language over that. I played with words, indulged myself in thought. I played. I was relaxed and the writing just flowed. Lately, I’ve just been coming up dry and I think it’s because I’ve been trying too hard.

Perhaps it’s a little like beginners luck – when you don’t know how to play the game, you win.

When I decided to do writing full time, I changed. I thought I had to follow a pattern, I had to be productive and measure that somehow. I thought there were rules to writing, structure to follow. I had read so many books that told me if you want to be a writer you have to do x,y, and z each day or you won’t be anything more than someone who just puts words together. I thought I had to become what other people thought a writer was.

I was wrong.

I have been reading the book The Right to Write by Brenda Ueland and I think it is one of the best books out there for people who want to write. In it, Brenda Ueland says that you can’t just pick a time and sit down to write and expect your brain to just start creating . You have to write when it strikes you.

It turns out, I’d been doing it right all along.

So instead of trying to follow all the guidelines and rules on writing, and instead of trying to force my brain to come up with ideas at precisely 10am each day, I instead went back to my chaotic way of writing, and it felt good. Ideas started to flow again and instead of hesitating I’d write them down straight away. I’d work when I could and I didn’t worry about if I was doing the correct “writer” ways.

I started to create momentum again and things began to happen. I came into contact with various artists who offered me guidance. I tweaked all those 2am ideas and contacted various magazines with some possibilities for freelancing.

When I opened up my mind and gave into writing, the universe responded back by giving me opportunity. And this time, I’m not going to let it slip by.

I’m always so very good at having ideas and projects in my head. The only trouble I seem to have is putting them into action. It’s not for lack of want or passion or energy. I think it’s because I overwhelm myself with so many ideas, I’m never sure where to start.

I’ve started getting into a morning routine, so that at least each day I know what to do for sure. It sort of centres me, grounds me and I desperately need this right now if any of this is going to work.

I should scratch that last sentence; it sounds too negative, especially since I know it will work. The excitement in my toes and the smile on my lips and the encouragement of others tells me so. It’s still hard to believe.

I’ve decided that I’m going to use these days as a morning pages exercise, although I’m not going to write about my daily life, how I hoovered, what I baked, or that I did manage to find a great sale on toilet paper at the local store. It’s going to be strictly about art and writing and creativity. I have to start getting this all out rather than keeping it all in. How will anyone know what it really takes if the information is sitting in my brain?

And I feel it has to come about because I am still getting emails from people saying, “I am stuck in my old dull life, I wish that I could do what you’re doing.” And I want to find them, and go to them, grab them by the shoulders and give them a little shake and then whisper into their ear You can do it. You can. Just try. Try.

Since I can’t find everyone, I have to use this site to communicate that. I have to get people to listen. I have to accomplish something.

I woke up to several emails in my email box after a long time of it being quiet. Words for encouragement I received. Compliments, questions, invitations. It was amazing to me. I think, no matter how emails I’ve got, I will never be used to the words “thank you” I am just me, I have no magic.

I woke up this morning with a terrible cold. Rather that being miserable about using more Kleenex than is humanly possible, I was actually happy about feeling ill.

If I’m sick I can’t be creative, right? I don’t have to worry about trying and failing. All I have to worry about is if I am warm enough in my bed and have a lot of tissues near by.
I was ok with that train of thought for about an hour, when I realised I was just making excuses. I have been so afraid of starting something because I have been afraid to finish it. That sounds like the most absurd thing the world, doesn’t it? But it’s true.

After realising that, I decided that runny nose or not, I have to get my arse in gear. I have to really start treating this like a job or nothing will happen.

So I started to work slowly this morning on little projects I knew I could handle. I ended up working steadily without breaking or noticing time. I began to get things in order and when I looked at the clock, over five hours had passed. Instead of making excuses I did something. Perhaps it wasn’t a lot but it is something that wasn’t there yesterday.

I once heard a quote from a famous writer that said, “The best writing comes when you’re doing dishes.” I quite agree.

I have this morning routine that I do starting at 8:30AM or thereabouts. (My inner alarm clock isn’t always so precise) Once I get up, I start to boil the eggs in the water, I do my morning yoga, I then reduce the heat on the eggs and let them cook as I tidy up the flat just a little. Then I make my tea, defrost my frozen fruit, cook two strips of turkey bacon, cool down my eggs, and then proceed to write my morning pages. Just random bits of useless information of what I’m thinking, what I need to do, or how the world looks at just that moment.

This is all I know for sure each day. The rest is a surprise, including when, and if I write.

My morning pages has been the only kind of writing I’ve been able to force out lately. If I sit down to write an article my mind becomes blank. I can’t thing of one interesting thing to write about. This has been rather embarrassing to admit, after all, I am a writer. I should be pumping out novels each day!

Today when I woke up I wasn’t sure if I’d do any real writing. I started in on my morning routine of cooking the bacon and my mind started whirling of different article ideas to write . Not now, I thought, please brain just wait a little! I’m in the middle of making breakfast and you’ll just have to wait until I’m finished!

But my brain didn’t listen and the thoughts kept coming. Instead of grabbing a pen right away I hesitated. If I sit down now to type it, will breakfast survive? What about the tidying? What about…? Then I stopped myself. My purpose in life isn’t to sit around making the worlds best tea (although, that is a gift I do posses) or making sure that the dishwasher is loaded perfectly. My purpose is to write. And that should come second to none.

So I sat down and started to type away, clicking the keys so fast it almost made music. And I didn’t even mind that my tea was just a little too strong this morning.