July 22, 2001
I was talking with someone the other day about how I had recently changed careers. I told her how I was, for the first time in my life, doing a job that not only was I good at, but also loved. I told her how excited I was each day at the prospect of writing.
“I’m envious,” she said to me. “I would like to have a job that I was good at and loved. But I don’t think I could give up the security I have right now or put myself through all that stress. I’m far too scared.”
“Me too.” I said.
“You’re scared?” she asked in disbelief. “But you seem so happy and when you were talking to me about it, you seemed so confident.”
“I’m scared everyday,” I said. “Every day is different. I don’t know if I’ll be able to write that day or if I do, if it will be any good. I’m scared of people’s reactions to me when I say that I write-not all of it is positive, you know. I’m scared that the love and passion I’m having for all of this right now will fade in time. I’m scared that I might have to be an office girl again one day. I’m scared of sounding corny or above myself. I’m scared of my pen running out of ink when I start to write down the most brilliant thought ever. I’m scared of the mailman delivering me back my writings with a big NO marked on them.”
“For someone who has so many fears, you definitely seem very brave,” she said to me. “I wouldn’t have known you had fears. You hide them pretty well.”
I do now, I thought. I had to make peace with the fears because I learned that they will always be there. Mark Twain once said, “Courage is the resistance to fear, not the absence of it.” Fear is always going to be around, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Fear can be useful at times, as long as it doesn’t paralyse you or prevent you from doing what you can do.
The fear won’t ever go away, but my giving into it has.