It has been three months since I gave up my 9-5 world. Three months.

On the day I left my job, I wasn’t too sure what would happen. I didn’t have set out goals, I didn’t have a timeline, and I didn’t have any reference of what should or should not happen. It was all wide open.

Looking back now, I see I spent the first month or so being paralyzed by fear and self doubt. I didn’t make any progress writing wise because I was so completely afraid. I was fighting myself every day. I wanted to be a writer, I had chosen to be a writer, but I hadn’t convinced my brain yet that I was.

In the second month, I think my brain and heart met somewhere and started working together. My writing went from being a little idea, to being something real. And instead of being so overwhelmed and confused, I focused my energy in one direction. I focused on learning to write for magazines.

The third month was the biggest transformation for me yet. It’s when I looked at the big picture.

Instead of just focusing on how to write nice words on paper, I focused on how to transform my life on the outside to match what I was feeling on the inside. On the inside, I was feeling alive, passionate, colourful, creative, happy, joyful, excited. I was just bouncing off walls on the inside.

However, on the outside, it was all the same. My lifestyle, my home, my friends, were all the same as when I was living in the 9-5 world. I had to change that. I felt that if I was going to keep believing that I was a writer, I had to make it look like I was a writer. If I kept telling myself that I belonged in the art world, I had to be brave and make it look so. I think before I hadn’t committed to making the outside match the inside for fear that if I ran away from writing, I would be left with surroundings of a writer. It was almost like a commitment I couldn’t make.

But, now, I was ready. So I painted some furniture a bright raspberry colour, I bought some artwork that I had loved and hung it on my walls. I made my office brighter and more alive with all my supplies at hand. I brought my colourful books forth instead of keeping them in a closet. I’ve somehow managed to become surrounded by the most amazing, wonderful people because I reached out to them and they responded in a positive way. I’ve been to art fests, I’ve gone to listen to live music and theatre. I’ve painted and put my work up on the walls. I’m painting the apartment in dangerous colours. I’m wearing a SuperHero bracelet that is big and bold and beautiful instead of quiet, little, muted beads. I’m sitting in cafe’s sipping mochas and writing in a little notebook, by myself

This transformation, of matching how I feel on the inside to the outside, has been for me, the most amazing thing thus far. It’s really helped to solidify who I am right now and what I want. I don’t think I could have done this in month one, or if I had, I don’t think I could have appreciated it and done it from the heart.

I once found a poem, that shows the learning curve of what happens in life. And I’ve found that it’s pretty fitting to the changes I’ve gone through.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters. By Portia Nelson

I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep Hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

When I began my journey, I felt hopeless and lost. I kept falling into that same damn hole all the time. Sometimes I didn’t’ want to get out because although it felt horrible, it was familiar. And familiar can be comfortable. But, at some point, I looked around. I knew that’s not where I needed to be.

And then one day, after having enough of that hole, I found another street. And how amazing this street is.

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