August 07, 2001

I have the feeling that I am more than what I currently am. The only problem is that right now, I just don’t know how to be more.

Part of my problem is the whole linear thing. Currently, I only write a certain way, colour a certain way, paint a certain way, dress a certain way, and decorate a certain way. Slowly that’s changing, but for the main part all that I do is linear and pretty. All that I do makes sense, is practical and acceptable. The way I do things currently is a way that I hate. The problem is I don’t know how to break free of it.

That’s where my frustration lies, because I know I am not linear.

It wasn’t until my 5th year of school, that horrid teacher Ms. Newell started the end of my creativity and free flow thinking. My father and I had a game where he’d write down a letter and then I’d draw one thing on that letter, then he’d draw one thing on the letter and so on until we had a picture. One of my favourite drawings was the “B” bird.

At school I drew it for an art competition. It was wild, colourful, and creative. I can still, till this day, see it in my mind perfectly. It was so vivid, so beautiful and so stunning, that even now I am in awe of what I did.

However, Ms. Newell wasn’t. She took it and in front of the class, tore it up.

“This,” she said, “is a perfect example of what you should not do. There are rules, there are guidelines. If you want to win you have to stay within them. You can’t do “creative.”

From that moment on, everything I’ve done has been pretty, linear, appealing and nice. Even this entry is nice when all I want to do is scream and pout out my heart. All I want to do is pound my fists into the air and shout, “fuck a bunch of nice!” But I don’t. Instead I just write calmly and put together because that’s more appealing than what I have to say. I try to stay within the guidelines.

I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to do pretty or perfect or follow guidelines or be afraid of my own voice. I want to break free, go crazy, and paint like mad. I want to be able to express all that I feel and see with something more than pretty, nice words. I want to burst my own mould.

What I want to do is more than I currently know how to do. I feel like I need someone to come here, hold my hand, and show me how to do art. Someone to tell me that writing isn’t always pretty and you can say whatever you want to say. Someone to tell me that colour is fantastic and that matching socks aren’t. Someone to give me some direction, some encouragement, show me something new, give me some ideas or inspiration, and help me get past myself. Even just a simple kick in the ass would be brilliant right about now.

I’m a writer; I have no doubts about that. But I really think there’s more to me than what I currently am. I think, I am an artist. I just have to figure out how.

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