August 10, 2001

I don’t think there will ever be a “safe place” or a “safe time” for as long as I’m an artist. I think that has been one of my biggest realisations.

I’ll always get blocks, I’ll stumble over something. My head will be in a funk, I’ll feel useless and scared. Sometimes this won’t seem worth it, it’ll seem too much. I’ll feel less than or just plain stupid. That’s life.

I know, however, that I’ll also feel amazing, more alive than anything, accomplished, happy, at peace, flip flop flyin’.

There’s no guarantee to anything, ever. All you can do is make efforts. I’m learning how to make mine despite the constant company of fear.

It’s funny, but people always want proof. Proof that I’m a writer, or an artist, or that I’m happy or that I’m sad. Why can’t the fact that I just am be enough? Because it is enough for me.

My fear is that because I have no valid proof for some, that what I say or what I do is discounted. I’m not credible. Who am I to be telling people to chase a dream if I haven’t had proof of success? I feel like sometimes that might discourage people from wanting to jump ship and try something they’ve always wanted to try.

I think one thing I’ve learned from all of this though, is that as an artist or writer, you don’t ever feel 100% accomplished, finished, secure, or that feeling of “I’ve made it and now it’s enough.” All the artists that I’ve ever talked to, have echoed this. Each day can be scary or wonderful. The only difference is, you feel better about it all.

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