August 14, 2001
When I began all this, my only intention was to write. At the time, my goal was small and clear. I had a passion burning inside me and I had to let it out. And at the time that I decided to become a writer, not only was I proud, but satisfied.
However, the most amazing thing has been happening to me over the last few weeks. My understanding of who I am and what I can do has changed dramatically. Possibilities along side new directions have been coming my way. I couldn’t have imagined this the day I left my office job.
I think, perhaps, that’s a good thing that I started out small. Because taking that one small step, to write, was scary and overwhelming. If I had tried to conquer the universe back then, I don’t think I would have ever left my office cube.
But it’s like I said once before, your mind starts rolling if you take just one step. One idea can lead to another and in no time at all you’ll have a plethora of ideas where you were once blocked. You just have to make the effort to start somewhere, and have faith that the answers or ideas you really need will come later.
Although I’ve actually been doing a lot of writing, and will be published shortly, I had felt that something was missing. A week ago I was in a state of confusion because I felt I could be more than I was. But I had no idea what to do. I cleared my mind one night and made some self-realisations, and then I had a strange dream that made everything perfectly clear to me.
On that night of the 7th, after I had spent some time alone I had the dream where I was living with my father. He was saying to me how I should move because the bus system where we lived wasn’t very good and wouldn’t get me to the school on time. I asked what school and he said, “That great computer school.”
“What are you talking about,” I asked.
“You’re going to that computer school to get a degree in the Internet. That’s what you’re good at. That’s where your talents are. That’s what you’ve done in the past and that’s what you know.”
I looked at him and said, “No dad, I’m not going there.”
He looked at me in utter disbelief and said, “Why not?”
And I said simply, “I want a career in art.”
Then I looked at myself in the dream, which was eerie. I smiled and at that moment, I woke up. I was in shock.
For the first time, ever, I had said the phrase, “I want a career in art.”
Before I had always said something like “I want to be around art” or “I want to learn art.” I always thought of it as a side thing, because I never thought I’d ever be able to have a job in it – especially since my entire work history has been in the office and geared toward linear jobs. I also felt that I couldn’t ever be an artist, because I wasn’t either good enough, clever enough nor had enough time to learn.
However saying, “I want a career in art,” – even a dream – opened up something inside me. It made me realise that’s what I want. That was the missing link. I didn’t just want to be a writer, I didn’t just want to take an art class. I wanted to have my career be in art. But how? That I couldn’t figure out. Like I said, me entire work history had done nothing but train me for office jobs. I had no degrees, no skill, no previous employment that could lead me into a career in art. It seemed impossible.
The dream had left me with a huge want though; it was the missing link I was looking for. So that morning I decided that I had to figure out how to get a career in art. So the first thing I thought I should do would be to enrol in some kind of introductory art class, to get my mind going and my body physically doing something in art. I’m lucky that I live by two fabulous art centres and they were taking applications for fall classes. I found two brilliant introductory art classes and immediately signed up for them.
It could have ended there, but then I found an even bigger step for me to take. The art gallery where one of my classes is has a nine-month training program for becoming a Docent. It teaches you art history, interpreting art, speaking on art, giving guided tours through the museum and teaching art classes to children and adults. It’s a volunteer program that you have to apply for, and the best part is, it’s only one morning a week. That, I thought would help me immensely. That could point me in the direction I want to go in. That would give me some grounding. So I applied and today I spoke with the education department and I have an interview next week.
I’ve taken bigger steps than I ever thought I could have, and the strange thing is, it’s no longer scary and it doesn’t seem impossible. Not only does it seem exciting, but also it seems right. I’m starting to feel more like myself. I feel like I am taking charge of not only who I am, but also what I want, and that is just one of the most powerful, exhilarating feelings you could ever have.
It doesn’t happen over night, but, if you start with one small step, it does happen. And maybe you don’t have all the answers up front; maybe the first few months are scary as hell. But I am such a true believer, that when you make the decision to follow your heart and take control of what you want, that the universe will provide you with all you need.
Because at this point, how can I say otherwise?