Sept. 06, 2001
I was going to just go straight home after the Docent class today, but as I left the class I started to have all these thoughts running through my brain. And I thought by the time I had caught the bus and gotten home and turned on the computer, all the thoughts would have disappeared. So instead of letting that happen, I stopped into a cafe for a latte and a salad so that I could sit down and write it all in the moment.
That step, that stopping to write, was a huge step for me. So huge in fact that my hands trembled as I wrote all that I had to write down.
What was so important to record was the message I received today. A message that I learned over the course of two hours by listening to a dozen or so women speak about their lives and how art fit into it. They shared their stories of how they had adored art as children or teenagers but had given it up to be “practical” or raise families or become attorneys or secretaries. And by listening to all these women who were all older than I, I kept hearing the same message over and over.
The message was:
In your life, don’t waste one moment. Don’t be unconscious. Don’t put anything on hold for later – do it now. If you have a passion, live it. Don’t wait. Live now.
That message came so clear and loud to me today. A lot of these women had waited 20, 30 or 40 years to get “back into art.” They had given up their passion a long time ago, only to claim it so many years later.
I understood where they were coming from since I had put my life on hold when I came to America two years ago. That’s when I decided to be practical and get “into business.” That’s when I lost myself and kept saying, “one day I’ll do X” But instead of living in the moment and pursuing what I really wanted, I just kept living unconsciously, one day to the next, and never did much of anything.
Then five months ago I woke up. All I can say is how lucky am I, at 27, to be conscious and living. How lucky am I that I only wasted two years and not twenty.
Had I heard this message a few months ago, I don’t think the impact would have been as great, because I believed I was living in the now and finally listening to my heart. And for the most part I was. But I think the reason why the message was so emotional and so BIG for me was because I heard it today.
Today had been a string of yesterdays from the previous three weeks when I had fallen off track and became unconscious. I hadn’t written much the past few weeks because there was nothing in me to write. I hadn’t been living, I hadn’t been following my heart. I was silent because I was living another kind of life that made me feel embarrassed, like a failure, and as though I hadn’t been being real.
You see, three weeks ago I took up a part time 3 days a week job as a receptionist. I did it solely for money because I had wanted to take two art classes but had to cancel one because I couldn’t afford it – I had barely enough money to purchase all the supplies for just one class. There were fees and books to buy for the Docent program that I started today and would be partaking in over the next year. And also I had wanted to save up and purchase an Ibook so I could write at any time because my husband was now in school and was using the main computer more and more and my time writing on the computer was getting less and less. And there were just other financial adjustments to make when you go from living on two salaries to just one. So needless to say I felt the economic pressure and I buckled. I took up a small part time job to try to achieve more.
But the only thing I achieved was that of feeling small. I felt like I was living a lie. I was embarrassed to tell anyone that I had taken on a part time job because I thought how dare I keep a website encouraging others to live their dream if I am not making it living mine? All the energy, the happiness, the excitement I had before I took the job wore thinner and thinner each day I had to answer the telephone. I couldn’t separate the reception job from that of my writing job. I thought I could, I really truly believed I could, but I couldn’t. I felt I had gone backwards, betrayed myself, and I felt truly sick about the whole thing. I started to feel trapped again, and I realised I was drifting along once more.
However hearing the women today woke me up and made me realise that I can’t waste one more minute being something I hate. I already did that. I was down that path before and I remember what it did to me. And I am not going to waste one more day not living because I’ve come too far to go back.
Being in the art gallery, talking about my passion in art and writing and feeling terribly amazing from it all, I realised that I can’t be anything but a writer and an artist – that’s what makes me feel alive. Even if sometimes I face a challenge as a writer/artist that feels almost impossible, as least I feel alive and conscious of it and know that I am in control and I am choosing how to live and that somehow, someway, something positive will come of it. And I have to believe that the money will someday follow if I just continue to work hard at this and not give up. Because as Andrea said to me, “authenticity has it’s rewards.”
The trick, I think, is just believing in that.
And I do, now. My experience today just solidified to me who I am and who I want to be. The message reminded me that I am alive now, and how dare I waste that opportunity.
Side note: As I wrote this in the café, a gentleman in his 50′s or 60′s approached me and said, “Are you a writer?” And I looked at him and said, “How did you know?” He said, “The way you’re dressed and the way your eyes light up and come alive when you have that pen on the paper.”