Sept. 08, 2001
I think the problem I face with writing as my current and only job is that I give myself too much freedom. I think I do this because I have never had freedom in a job. Before I had to be at work by 8am and I had to put in my 8 hours or else. I had to do work each day to keep the job and to get paid for it and earn respect. I had pressures to fulfill my job title. I had a boss. There were rules I had to follow Monday through Friday.
Now, there aren’t any. I’m free now and I think that perhaps I have taken that too far.
I was good, in the beginning. I had my morning routine and it worked. Then I slacked because it was just so easy to do. I was lazy. Then I thought I had gotten back into it only to realise I am still spastic about when I write.
I realised today that what I have to do is show up on the page, everyday.
Whether I want to or not, whether I think I can or not. Whether I have a brilliant idea, or at best a shoddy one, I have to show up each day.
I know it’s going to be hard because the writing I do is based on what I know, feel, see and understand. And some days I kick ass and some days, not so much. And it’s been on the not so much days that I have found it hard to write. That’s when I usually make pathetic attempts or sometimes, none at all. I use the excuse, “it’s just not in me today” and just kind of give up.
What I realise now, however, is that it is in me to write everyday. There is no reason to. Even if it’s not the best, it’s something. It’s using my brain, it’s learning the process, it’s keeping me going, it’s setting me up for when there is something great. It doesn’t matter if every day I write brilliantly or not at this point, what matters is that I show up every day. Every day, regardless.
Writing is my job. If this is going to work, if I am to succeed, it will be only because I worked at it and worked hard – even if I didn’t want to. I think it’s really important for me to get the kind of work ethic I had at a job I didn’t care about, into the job that means more than anything. No one ever made it by sitting on the sidelines or doing half-assed work.
They made it because they showed up, everyday.