Sept. 09, 2001
This website has touched more people than I ever thought possible; I have received so much email from so many that I can’t help but be amazed by each note I receive. There are a lot of people who want to do what I’m doing, and sometimes that makes me feel like I’m not only doing this for myself, but for every other person who just can’t.
That’s been a lot of pressure. Pressure I didn’t know I’d have and I don’t know what to do about it all yet.
Some days I’m feeling really good about my accomplishments thus far. I think for 5 months and no experience I’m doing pretty well; two articles are being published by two different magazines and I run a pretty successful website that seems to be encouraging to others somehow. But then I get some feedback or think some thought that makes me insecure about it all and then I start to think, “Who am I to be a role model? Who am I to talk about living out a dream? Who am I to talk about what success is when I don’t know it?”
I haven’t been paid for the two published, and they’re both for small magazines. I figured I had to start somewhere, and starting small seemed really good. I didn’t want to go big until I had learned more. But the problem is, there is so much to learn and I’m still wrapped up completely in that process. And I fear that because nothing that I’ve written has been bought, that perhaps I haven’t had success yet? Perhaps because I haven’t designed the all-wonderful portfolio that I can’t get real feedback on what I’ve written and I’m somehow hiding from real criticism.
Sometimes being so public is frightening; perceived failure and insecurities seem to be amplified. I hope there’s use to all of this to balance out the doubt I sometimes have.