Oct. 10, 2001
I’ve been groggy all day. Sleepy, tired eyes, lazy hands and a foggy brain. Perhaps it’s the rain or the fact that I stayed up far too late last night working. Whatever it is, my schedule that I had been so proud of keeping is thrown off. I just don’t feel like doing anything. The only problem is, the thought portion of my brain doesn’t get that. It’s working still, trying to get me to work it out, and I won’t.
When I can’t release what’s in my brain, instead of letting it swarm around driving me mad I try to get some kind of physical release. Dancing, singing, skipping, walking, whatever. Meditation doesn’t cut it for me because when I sit and try to still myself, my thoughts just get louder and I become too restless for downward facing dog.
So today I thought I’d go for a walk. Despite the fact that it was raining as only Seattle can rain, despite the fact it was far too cold and despite the fact that I hadn’t completely woken up yet even though it was eleven am, I had to do something. I walked. And I walked. And I walked some more.
Usually an hour into walking I start to form sound ideas and structure from my thoughts, but not today, my tricks just weren’t working. I went home with my body feeling refreshed but my mind still far too foggy to begin any real work. It was now nearing one o’clock and still no work. No creativity, no great accomplishment. I started to feel antsy and irritable and thought if I gave myself some tea and sat and read, maybe that would be the trick. So I drank, and I read. And I sipped and I read. And then I guzzled and read some more. Nothing. I wasn’t any further along than I had been previously except now I was feeling the jolt of caffeine and sugar in my body. All this energy, I thought, and nothing to do with it!
It’s now around three o’clock and I’m sitting here typing this. While it’s not productive I keep trying to lull myself into a feeling of some kind of accomplishment – at least I’m writing something. This day, however lost, has actually been a good learning experience for me. Even if no great articles were typed up and that 3000 word essay I have to write for a book before January hasn’t even started yet, I got some kind of understanding today that I didn’t really have before – writing isn’t linear.
I’ve said that before and perhaps I almost believed it, but I really understand it now. I can make schedules, I can do the walking and tea tricks, I can scare myself with deadlines. But the fact remains that creativity isn’t a pill you pop or a quote you read to inspire. Writing is pure from the heart creativity.
Some days it’s more than easy and some days, well, not so much. I’m now learning that rather than beat myself up for all that I don’t do, to at least feel some kind of satisfaction with all that I do do. The failure would be if I didn’t write when I can. And judging from all my scribbles, notes, articles, web bits, letters, essays etc., I haven’t failed that much. In fact, I’d say I’ve had even a little success.
I just have to remember that on days like today.