Jan. 13, 2002

Posted by on Jan 13, 2002 in General Writing

Is it Wednesday, Thursday or Friday? Or is it the weekend? Is it 8am or 8pm? If you had asked me that yesterday you would have been given just a blank look from me as I shrugged my shoulders. I’ve been living a haphazard life the past week or so that regular days with regular schedules didn’t mean that much.

I’ve been working overtime because of all that’s happening. Literally going to bed at 3am only to wake at 8am to begin a non-stop day. There’s just been so much to do.

I’ve been consumed with learning about publishing. There’s so much that I wasn’t aware of so I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to catch up so that I might at some point get ahead. So I’ve been reading a lot of books on the subject and then putting what I’ve learned to use with my book proposal.

I’ve had my Docent Class at the museum start back up and have been reading the terribly fat (but juicy) art book they assign while trying to get into the rhythm of going to a weekly class and all the events they have going on.

Also I’ve had websites to keep up to date, portfolios to work on and magazine articles to write. I checked my palm the other day and it was frighteningly full. I think August 21st was the first free day I could claim.

I’ve been enjoying it all so much that I never stopped to question if I should slow down and catch my breath. I didn’t think about it because I thought my enthusiasm and want would continue carrying me through each day.

And it did for the first few weeks. But after days of little sleep, forgetting to eat and not a moment of brain rest, my eyes had become heavy and dark and my brain became too clouded to make sense. I actually began to hinder my process because of stupid mistakes I was making from being tired.

So I tried to take breaks. I tried the true and tested remedy of having a sinfully rich bubble bath complete with Mr Bubbles and a cup of perfectly brewed tea. But when I laid my head back into the pillow with the intention of doing nothing more than listening to the bubbles pop, my brain began to work. Then I remembered that for some reason, I tend to have the most brilliant ideas in the bath of all places. And as they began to form I had to pop out of the tub and turn to the computer. I began to work all over again.

The next day I decided that I had to really take a break and get away from the computer. I thought a nice long walk to the café would bring me some fresh air and peace and quite as I walked along the lake and counted birds overhead. But the walk just made me feel energised and by the time I got to the café I had too many notes I had to scribble down. So I skipped the latte and opted for a glass of water at home as I typed out my thoughts.

I just haven’t been able to rest. Part of the reason I think is because I have been a little afraid that if I stopped even for a moment I would lose my momentum. I thought if I went to bed when I was tired, when I woke up I’d have no ambition to keep writing. For the first time since I began all this I felt like I was finally working on something concrete and important and I was scared that I might just give up on it and end up watching Oprah all day.

So instead of resting when I truly needed to, I just kept working. I lost all private moments and thoughts, I lost track of each day, I lost track of what was happening in my home and I think I even lost a little bit of me.

Then today I realised that at the exact moment I don’t think I can take a break is the exact moment I need to take one.

If I don’t I won’t reenergize myself or bring new light to what I’m working on. If I don’t I’ll hinder my progress by making those same silly mistakes I’ve been continuously making. If I don’t, I’ll forget the reason why I’m working so hard in the first place.

I think I forgot all that because working at home you don’t have a time clock to punch or an office to leave behind. Those 15-minute breaks I so viciously used to guard in my corporate world had become distant memories now that I worked from home. But I realised that I have to take them, even when I don’t think I can.

Doing that, I know that know won’t lose the momentum. I’m not the same person with the same intentions as last December. I’ve got my head on and it’s looking forward. Momentum, I think, is energy your brain wills. And I’ve proven I’ve got that even if I take eight hours to sleep.