Jan. 23, 2002
The past week I’ve been in a funk. I’ve felt dishevelled and out of sorts. I had worked so hard, non-stop for over two weeks straight that I didn’t take any time to stop and think about what was going on. My momentum and energy kept me moving without taking time to be in the moment.
When I did stop my work frenzy, I was left feeling empty and scared. I didn’t know what to do next, where to turn, or what to think. All I had been doing to that point was working and now I didn’t know how to relax.
Today I got an email from someone who reminded me what my website is called and what I wanted to be about. She wrote, “Remember that you’re a girl at play! If all your life is about writing, what are you going to write about?”
Her email hit me hard though I wasn’t sure what to do about it at first. It was cold outside, grey and dark and the violent waves on the lake matched my mood perfectly. I didn’t feel like playing because I had work to do – even though I didn’t want to do it or know how to begin it. So instead I laid on the couch in a pitiful heap with blankets covering me up, trying to hide me from the world. I laid there angry and annoyed with myself for not working. While lying there frustrated and completely useless, I kept hearing in the back of my mind her words, over and over again. “You’re supposed to be a girl at PLAY!”
I decided to give in to the voice so I packed my bag with my notepad, pen, book and proposal and headed to the cafe. I decided that I would try to mix taking some time off with a little bit of work and see if I could enjoy it.
At first, sitting in the cafe was awkward. I ate my sandwich far too fast and gulped down my water. I was reading my book at an alarming rate, missing half of what it was saying. Instead of slowing down to relax I kept trying to hurry the whole experience, still feeling like I was wasting time.
There were moments when I thought I’d just pack up and go home. I was just that miserable.
But I forced myself to stay and be in the present. Slowly I began to relax and finally I became swept away in the moment. For the first time in weeks, I was able to reconnect with myself.
That’s when I was able to really see what was around me. I began to see and soak in the inspiration that was all around. I became mesmerised by the hard rain pounding mercilessly against the cafe windows. I noticed how the two lovers next to me spoke to each other as though no one was else around and how they touched each other when their conversation became intense. I stared at the whip cream as it melted into the mocha and created my favourite colour. I listened to the sound of the lunchtime buzz as people were hurried in and out. Most of all, I just simply enjoyed my time.
Seeing everything clearly and sometimes in slow motion was powerful to me. I instantaneously felt as ease and comforted. I felt ALIVE! It was these moments that reminded me why I am here and what enjoying life is about – the little details that others are too busy to see.
I spent over two hours in that cafe. Reading, writing, and just being. I don’t feel one moment was wasted. I don’t think one penny was wasted. I needed that time. I needed to be reminded of what this is all for.
When I got home, there were other emails waiting for me. For the first time in a long time I was relaxed enough to just enjoy reading them and take in all that they had to say. Their words struck me deep and hard. Their power overwhelmed me emotionally and I began to weep a little.
I had been so wrapped up in doing that I hadn’t taken the time to enjoy the life I was creating or the affect I was having on others. I had been measuring my work by the amount of words I had written or the deadlines I had made or the direction I was headed. Slowing down has allowed me to reconnect with myself and measure my success by based on how I feel, how I live and how I am loved.
Without the reminders, kindness and support from all of you, I don’t know if I would have remembered all of that. It was you who reminded me that the purpose of all of this isn’t for money or publishing success but instead to live each day aware. You reminded me to enjoy every moment and have courage to be in the difficult ones. You reminded me that we are here to help and enjoy each other instead of obessing over word counts and page edits. You give me strength to keep going when I don’t think I can.
I don’t think I can ever thank you enough for what you’ve done. Especially for reminding me that I’m not in this alone.