Jan. 26, 2002

Posted by on Jan 26, 2002 in Money Matters

I haven’t been making money because I haven’t yet attempted to make money.

For the most part, I have been purposefully seeking out magazines that didn’t pay. I have been working on websites and portfolios that didn’t pay. I’ve been working on my book, which also doesn’t pay. I didn’t realise at first that I was avoiding places that paid, but I see now that’s exactly what I was doing.

I think the reason why I have intentionally stayed away from paying projects is because I have been afraid to find out what I was worth. I have been afraid that if I attempted to get paid for my work, I would be told it’s not worth anything. At least with free magazines, your work gets published part because you can write well and in part because they need you. Most people don’t try for free magazines.

It’s been very hard and scary for me to admit that. It’s almost embarrassing in a way. After becoming comfortable with using the title “writer” for myself, with feeling secure in my decision to write, I still have fears that someone else may not value it enough. I suppose I haven’t learned my own self worth yet.

Money, in fact, does play a larger part than I’d like to admit. Of course, I’d happily do all this for free because currently I am. What I’m doing, I love. It makes me happy, it gives me purpose, and it makes me feel complete. But I haven’t taken it to the next level – the getting paid level – because I’ve been holding back.

(Insert 2002 Motto here.)

So I’ve decided that I am ready to start getting paid. I’ve decided that I am worth getting paid. I’ve decided that I will get paid.

I’ve spent the last few days thinking about what I need to do to get paid, what magazines I should contact, what kind of freelance jobs I could get, and what kind of writing I want to do. For me, approaching it in that linear way helps to take some of the fear out of it. If I just start to randomly write articles and then try to figure out where they belong, I end up fearing they won’t belong anywhere. Instead, I’m going to find a target, and begin.

At this point, I’m actually not as afraid of doing this as I have been. I’m actually eager and a bit excited. That’s due in part because I don’t have the feeling that I have to be published or I’m not a writer – I already dealt with that. Now it’s time to deal with my fear of financially making it and having my work worth something.

I’m dealing with that a lot better because of something I read by Julia Cameron in her book The Right to Write:

“It’s interesting to me that we ask a question about the writing life that we do not ask about other professions. For example, we do not say, “What are your odds of making it as an investment banker? As an elementary school teacher? As a chemist? In those, and most professions, we assume that an interest in pursuing the career implies a probable proclivity for it and a reasonable chance for success. Not so with writing. The truth is, when you want a writing career and are willing to do the work to get it, the odds work with you, not against you.”

I already proved that by writing, I’m a writer. I’ve already proved that by submitting work, I can get published. Now I just have to prove that by asking to be paid, I will be.

Let’s just hope it’s that easy.