March 06, 2002

When I first began all this, I thought all I had to do was simply quit my job and declare myself a writer and that was that. The only work I’d have to do would be that of putting pen to paper and writing up some stories.

If only it was that easy.

The truth is, there are several battles you have to face when you begin a journey and I found out that the first one was against myself.

I had to battle my insecurities, my fears, and my ideas. I had to challenge what I believed in and if I was strong enough to continue with those beliefs. I battled my ideas of what a writer was, and how I fit into to the writing life. I quickly learned that my journey wasn’t just about putting words on the page but about really finding out who I was and how to move forward. That was a very hard battle that took me over eight months to sort through.

Once I began to feel comfortable with using the word “Writer” as my title, and I had had works published and made some amazing contacts, I thought everything would be smooth sailing. I wasn’t aware that there would be a battle number two just around the corner.

But there was. This time it was against the outside world.

Because I had so much support in the beginning, I figured that I wouldn’t have to battle anyone. I was wrong. Since I’ve worked through so much of my insecurities and fears and become comfortable with who I am and what I’m doing, I have been getting less and less feedback from others. The connection I seemed to have with so many people was all of a sudden lost. The more together I got, the more success I had, the less people were likely to respond. And those who had become my friends and supporters in the beginning were no longer willing to be around.

At first I was completely confused by this. Why were people leaving now that I was just getting somewhere? Wasn’t that the whole point of my story? Of my journey? To start at the beginning with nothing but fear, insecurity and one little dream and make it happen? Why did people have a hard time with that now that it was all working out?

I took it very personal at first until other artists confirmed to me that this was in fact, the second battle, and that almost every artist will at some point go through it.

It happens when people see you as starting to “make it.” Some people tend to become hostile, jealous, bitter or just dismiss you altogether because they think that life is easy for you now and what could you possibly know about fear or stepping in a new direction. Some see you as no longer “one of them” when you start to get happy and move forward at a rapid pace. They think you’re unrelatable, they can’t have anything to say to you and you probably don’t care what they’d have to say anyway. Some offer less support because they assume that you must be getting a tonne of it because of “who you’ve become.”

Julia Cameron states it perfectly in The Artists Way

It was hard for me at first to realise that people might be jealous or angry with me and have some think that the dream I’m living out is actually meant for them. My intention with this site was never to take away from anyone, but to give power to people. I wanted to show that if I can do this, anyone can and that yes, there is more than enough room for each of us to live out our own dreams – whatever they may be.

I understand how easy it is to come here and read the last couple of months and think that I’ve got it all figured out, when the truth is I still have fear like last year. The only difference is I’ve had some experience and achieved a little more confidence so I handle the fear a little better. I’ve also realised after almost one year of struggling that there is no such thing as “making it” or finishing line or place to level off at. There is medal to win, no person to beat, and nothing that can keep me down except myself. I’ve learned that as a human being in an uncertain field, I will always have fear, down days and boughts of unproductivity and that’s perfectly normal. I’ve also learned that I can only do what I need to do, and the reaction I get is out of my control, and not always personal. It just sometimes goes with the territory. I learned that sometimes the more we grow, the less support we get, even though sometimes we need it more.

Now I’m learning to let go of the negativity and move forward to the positive. I’m learning not to take it all so personally. Sometimes it’s hard, however, when you’re doing something you love and believe in to not have others feel so wonderful about it. It’s a battle, that’s for sure.

Maybe that’s the third one?

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