April 08, 2002
One year ago I made the biggest, hardest and best decision of my life – to quit my corporate job and become a full time freelance writer.
The day I decided to be a writer full-time, I was filled was with mixed feelings. I was both terribly excited and afraid beyond belief. I knew that by working on my own terms things would be different but I had never done that before and was unsure of the correct way to do it.
I read every book on how to be a writer, because my fear of doing it wrong was my biggest concern. I felt because I had declared so loudly that I was going to be a writer, failing at it terrified me to death. It wasn’t until eight months later I began to get over most of my fears while learning how to just accept the others.
When I started, being published meant everything to me. I thought if my name was in print that every fear or concern I had would vanish – I would be a bonafied writer if I were to appear in a magazine. When it happened, nothing changed. I realised that outside validation doesn’t count if you don’t give it to yourself first.
I also thought in the beginning that because writing was my passion, work would be easy and blissful. The truth is, is that it’s the most work I’ve ever done in my life. Instead of clocking exactly 40 hours a week, I was putting in 60, 70 and sometimes 80. I enjoyed working so much that I would forget to tell myself to take a break. It took me a very long time to learn how to take guilt free time off and realise that I’m only human.
At first, I thought it was just about me becoming a writer, but looking back over the past year I realise that’s the farthest thing. It has been about becoming me.
Now, I’m creative and able to use the word creative without cringing. After being a scared and quiet artist for years who thought everyone was better than her, I am now selling art and working at an Art Museum. I’m excited about the possibility of each day, because I get to decide what I want to do.
Despite struggles and frustrations, I have continued to move forward. I have overcome fears, self-doubt and roadblocks to carve a niche for myself that does something. I have made some amazing friends and contacts. I have published words that have affected people deeply. I have earned respect from those I admire. I have finally been able to define what success is, and it’s not the same definition I had a year ago. Being happy, liking who I am, doing what I want to do, and making a difference in other people’s lives makes me feel completely successful each and every day.
Feeling comfortable with who I am and what I’m doing didn’t happen over night but rather almost a year. In the beginning I was filled with so much self doubt that I often wondered if I was on the right track because I didn’t know how to trust myself enough to know that it was. I was insecure with my writing and didn’t attempt to get much published for fear of rejection when in fact, rejection is only how I learned. I used to try so hard to be an image that I continuously failed at being myself and it wasn’t until I stopped doing that did I begin to succeed both personally and professionally.
I expected to have it all figured out within a couple of months and when I didn’t, I panicked. I forgot to remember that it wasn’t just about writing, it was about trusting myself and sometimes it takes time to figure that all out. Looking back now, I don’t see how it could have taken less than a year, and feel comforted when I realise that most new business take three to five years to start making a profit.
I haven’t figured it all out yet by any means, and I’m not and never will be a finished project. That’s one thing I’ve learned is that there isn’t one place to get to or a levelling off place where you feel like you’ve done it all. My writing and I will always be a work in progress and although that sometimes still terrifies me, it’s also the most exciting part of my life. It’s also the most meaningful because I have made a conscious choice to do this.
A year ago I did the hardest thing imaginable – I acted for myself. I made myself responsible for my own happiness, my own lifestyle and my own dream. I took my passion and turned it into a profession that I wouldn’t want to quit.