May 29, 2002
I just gulped down a cup of tea. It’s been that kind of day – busy.
There’s been little mind shifts that have happened over the past month that have been extremely beneficial and the cause of my current state of busyness is due to the fact I’ve been replacing the phrase, “I’m living my dream” with, “I’m working.”
I used to use the phrase, “I’m living my dream” a lot to explain what I was doing because writing is my dream and I’m finally getting to live it. But the truth of the matter is, when I used that phrase it was almost a cop out because I kept treating my writing like a dream instead of what it’s supposed to be – my job.
When I first started to write, I was just coming off several years of bad corporate experiences. I hated the 9-5 grind, I hated pantsuits, I hated linear thinking. All I wanted to do was run away from anything that I thought work was and instead ran towards everything I thought was the opposite.
I called myself Girl at Play, I began to live out a dream, I didn’t worry so much about the business side and work side because the emphasis on personal growth and discovery was far more important. I was, literally, for the first time in my life experiencing freedom. I was getting to do what I wanted to do each and every day. I was happy, content, and on top of that I got to write. I was afraid if I threw in any term resembling “work” that I’d mess up everything I had just learned.
But by ignoring the term work, I did everything but work. I had forgotten that while living a dream is important, there’s this whole reality that I not only need to, but want to, work.
Realising that was a huge eye opener for me. I realised that there are so many creative things I love to do and want to do, but as “just a writer” I can’t do them. I remembered that when I registered the domain Girl at Play it was before I went out on my own to write. I bought it in hopes to one day run a creative business, I just used the domain for writing because that’s what came along first.
Now that I’ve got a greater understanding of who I am, what I want and where I’m going that I can tackle the work side without feeling like I’m suffocating or the need to wear pant suits. I’m finally ready to start that business I thought about over a year and a half ago.
Now, as a business, I can do more without feeling like I’m taking away from my writing because everything just enhances that anyway. I’ve really wanted to get into public speaking – talking at conventions, workshops, meetings anywhere. I held back on that before because I kept thinking, “I’m just a writer.” However, now as a business I can incorporate public speaking and my writing and I’ve already lined up several paying Public Speaking gigs. I also wanted to give and teach in workshops but again, held back. Not anymore.
Figuring out what I can do as a business has really helped me focus in terms of my marketing – I know who my target audience is, I know what I want to do and I know how to go and get it. And instead of taking away from my writing it has completely enhanced it and I’ve been writing more than I did when writing was all that I did. Because now when I get writers block I have other things to focus on, rather than beating myself trying to write up something just for the sake of it.
Shifting my vocabulary from “I’m busy” to “I’m working” as well as saying “I do a lot of creative services” rather than “I’m just a writer” has helped me get over some hidden hurdle I’ve had. I’m marketing myself and my company and my efforts are paying off. Business is busy – and starting to pay. And truly, I’m happier because I don’t feel the pressure to be just one thing because I’m not – I’m a whole bunch of creative things and now I get to do them under my business, Girl at Play.
May 25, 2002
There’s an old saying that you’ll be tested over and over on an issue until you have it resolved, and the test will never be the same.
After successfully pulling my head out of my arse a couple of weeks ago, work has been extremely busy.. I’ve managed to get my priorities in gear, work hard, enjoy myself and move forward. Launching my travel website has been the number one job for me because that’s the direction I want to move in and so I’ve been quite happily working on the launch of that site.
So when a friend of mine asked me last week about my book proposal I had sent last month, it took me just slightly off guard. I hadn’t thought about my book since I mailed it off because I had to continue to move forward rather than wait and see what would happen with that. I also wanted to focus my thoughts on positive things and not something that might fail.
However we ended up talking a little about the book and she offered some help – of which I accepted. I began to think how everything was coming together now – the travel writing, another article coming out, contacting paying magazines and now a book possibly getting published. I started to feel like finally I was making things happen.
Then, today, it came. I opened up the mailbox and the big package fell out and instantly I knew my first attempt at landing an agent had not worked.
At first, I wasn’t that upset. In some ways, I had prepared to be rejected and made a backup plan just in case. Also, since it was my first attempt at writing a proposal, I knew I was a bit shaky on it and that it might not be up to par. So when I received my rejection packet, it wasn’t such a shock.
But after awhile, it started to sink in that something I really believed in, wasn’t getting somewhere.
I started to question myself all over again. I wondered how do I make it better, can I really sell this book, can I really write, is there a market and on an on. I went to bed exhausted from all the thinking I’d done on how much I sucked. This was especially hard because I had just pulled myself out of a slump and had just begun to feel like I didn’t suck but here I was, slowly slipping away again.
When I woke up in the morning, I felt better. I had slept off all the insecurity and my mind was clear and I thought about the two different reactions I had about my proposal being rejected yesterday.
My first reaction wasn’t that I was a loser, but in fact a pretty good writer with possibilities and this one just happened not to work out. It was only after over analysing things and putting too much though did I begin to lose my confidence in all that I had accomplished thus far.
Sometimes it’s so easy to get discouraged. It’s easier to think that we’re horrible than talented for some strange reason, but the truth is, more often than not, we all kick ass. It’s just remembering that that is difficult.
But I did remember. I thought about all the momentum I’m currently building, the new projects in the works and exciting possibilities that are opening up. And I decided to stick with my first reaction of being rejected by the agent, which was that perhaps she wasn’t the right one for me and that my proposal did in fact need work. I chose not to think that I wasn’t cut out to be a writer, because I know I am.
It wasn’t until later on I realised that I had been through this predicament before – receiving rejection or a negative comment. The difference was that each time before I let it get to me and took a million steps back. I ignored all the positive things I had done and heard. However, this time I was finally able to stay moving forward despite an obstacle.
I finally passed the test.
May 24, 2002
If someone told me at the beginning that working from home would be one of my biggest challenges as a freelance writer, I would have given them a look like they were crazy.
Before I worked from home, I despised having to get up at an hour that didn’t suit me, put on clothes that made me uncomfortable, commute for two hours on public transportation and sit under cold blinking lights and an impersonal desk with co-workers interrupting me every 5 minutes. During that time, all I could think of was how wonderful it would be to work at home, in comfy clothes, with my own hours, stocked fridge and silence.
I was wrong.
After over a year of working from home, I’m still making adjustments.
The hardest part for me has been the loneliness. Despite the fact that I love to work in solitude, the constant isolation is wearing in on me. I used to have the Docent Class once a week that at least kept me social but I quit that program three weeks ago and have as yet to replace it. Chris goes to work at 8AM and comes home from school at 10PM, weekends he’s studying. The social interaction there is minimal. Friends are busy working during the day and too tired to do anything at night. The once constant jabbering at the office is now something I miss – I actually chatted with the UPS guy the other day.
Having my office in my flat, with no separate door has also been a challenge. It’s been hard to shut off work and begin to relax. Sometimes it’s hard to sit and write when I see the dirty dishes piling up in the sink.
In the beginning I was excited about wearing “pretty clothes” during the day – pink skirts, peasant blouses and jeans. When people used to ask if I worked in pyjamas I’d quickly tell them I wouldn’t ever fall in to that stereo type. That is until I found cute Banana Republic pyjama tops and bottoms.
Being on my own with no one to collaborate or break for coffee with, having the office and home as one and sitting in pajamas all day had begun to take it’s toll. So I began to change what I could.
The first thing I did was head to Ikea where $25 bought me a Click for Full Size. (Actual desk on other side)brilliant little three panel room divider. Just placing this next to my desk instantly made me feel like I had an office. It created a room but kept the light in. No longer can I see the dirty dishes in the sink! Perfect.
By creating a separate office, I now feel like I have an office to go to. In the morning after yoga and breakfast, I wash up, put on non-pajama clothes and head to my office where I sit and work on whatever I can. Breaking for tea now is actually breaking. I stop, leave the office, relax and just let my mind go.
The only thing I haven’t figured out yet is how to deal with the isolation part. I am thinking of finding another volunteer organisation or even just a once a week yoga class to get out and be amongst people. I need to do something or else I’m not only going to drive myself mad, but also the cat and husband as well.
May 23, 2002
I’ve been spending the last couple of weeks trying to learn about money – how to get it and once I have it, what to do with it.
There are several books I’m currently reading that have helped a lot with regards on how to make money through freelancing. The suggestions make sense to me and are things I can do and am excited about. The books also gave me information on taxes, which I’ve been really unclear of thus far, since I haven’t had an income. But now that I am going to start getting money for my writing, I’ve had to learn about it and figure out a few tricks.
I bought a notebook, which I tape every business receipt in and write a description, purpose, date & total. I’ve learned that a lot of things can be written against your income. And if it takes you a couple of years to make some income, you can write up to 3 years worth against it.
So the desk I bought last year, the shelves, the paper, the postage, the PO Box, all those receipts are now organised and ready to be used.
Microsoft money has also been keeping track of my spending, bills and whatnot. I’ve set up a special “Girl at Play” category so I can see where my spending is going with regards to supplies. Completely handy.
Being financially responsible is something I’ve had to really learn this past year since we’ve been living off of one modest income. I don’t want to jeopardise the security we’ve built on that by going crazy when money for writing starts to come in. Most of the incoming funds will go into savings, paying back my start-up debt and also some tucked away for taxes.
By understanding money, looking after it, working for it, and being careful with it, I feel a lot freer to just write. I don’t feel like there is this big black scary money hole anymore, because I’m taking charge.
May 22, 2002
From childhood to just before my corporate days, I had always been very creative with making money. I didn’t believe there was just one way you made it but instead, I believed that however you could make money, you should.
When I was twelve, despite the fact I had severe allergies, I used to hire a group of children to pick flowers/weeds from the local fields. I’d supervise them as they’d package the flowers into bundles and wrap them with foil. I’d give them directions on where to go to sell them and when they came back with a handful of money, I’d divide it up – twenty five cents for each of them and I’d take the rest which was usually around $10.
At 22, I used to find old furniture that had been dumped and refurbish it into something wonderful for extra money. Once, I found a beautiful, huge old oak table that weighed fifty million pounds and I worked on it for over two months. I sold it for $1500 – about a $1450 profit.
Being creative and relaxed with money changed as soon as I went corporate. That’s when I began to think that money only came if you worked behind a desk for 40 hours and some lady in a pantsuit handed you a check every two weeks.
I carried that belief as I became a freelance writer. That I had to write and then be paid for writing, and if I didn’t make a living at writing, I wasn’t really working.
With the pressure to make money at writing, the writing became less and less fun – the pressure was on to actually “do something” instead of just enjoy the process.
I realised today that I want to make money, but I’m not exactly picky about how I make it anymore. There’s no elitist feeling to saying I make my living as a writer. I’m not embarrassed if I get income some other way other than my current chosen career path nor do I think of myself as a failure. Money is money and as long as I enjoy making it, I’m going to make it any way I can, and it doesn’t change the fact that I’m a writer.
I’m still going to write full-time, I’m still going to make my living as a writer and when people as me what I do for a living, “Writer” is the first and only thing I’ll say. However I’m going to look into getting creative with making money again because it’s needed and it takes the pressure off of trying to get an income in only one way.
Exactly what my creative money making choices will be have yet to be seen. I’m selling art that will bring in a little extra income, I’m now offering to give speeches/talks/classes on the side because not only have I been asked to do this from different organisations, but because I’m good at it and really love to do it. There are summer jobs as art directors at camps that sound appealing and if all that fails I spotted a field of flowers nearby.
I know there are a lot of other creative ways to make money and I’m sure I’ll figure them out and try different ways. I’m approaching it as a fun, side thing like I used to do rather than a “have to or I’m going to feel like a loser” kind of thing. I’ve accepted I’m a creative person and therefor, can be creative about money.
I’m still a writer, that’s what I always will be. I just happen to be a writer who makes a little money from other places on the side.