With my internet access back up, my websites finally operating after 24 hours of being down and email transferring again, I feel like I can get back to all the projects that I’m more than a week behind on.

My first priority today was to finally get my Press Packet mailed off. Due to time constraints the packets I’m having printed up at a print press won’t be ready in time for the group that needs it now. With Microsoft Word, Adobe PhotoShop and a little creativity, I was able to create a good press packet beginning.

The hardest part for me was the obligatory Press Packet Photo – a frightening step for me. Although I’m twenty-eight, the magic of Oil of Olay keeps me looking as though I just turned twenty – which I’m told will be something I’ll appreciate when I’m 52 but now it’s sometimes bothersome when I try to assume credibility.

I was worried that I might look to young in the photo until I realised there wasn’t much I could do about it unless I caked on makeup, figured out how to use eye-liner and try to find a pantsuit to wear since I gave all mine away. Instead of trying to pull off some kind of “look” I decided to be me. Because if I’m not, then all my talking about trusting yourself and doing what you need to do doesn’t have any credibility – and that can’t be fixed with any photo.

The Press Packet Photo oh my! With my regular look, I took out my Nikon Digital Camera and within the first few clicks saw a photo I could use.

When my husband came home I showed him the photo and asked him what he thought.

“It looks like you,” he said.

“Yes, it does,” I replied, smiling.

Sometimes, I’m absolutely positive it would have been easier to have a career as a Rocket Scientist.

I have not only been dealing with setbacks that are out of my control, but a heavy workload on top. It’s been hard to keep going when it seems like everything is trying to push me back. The one thing I’ve learned that is if I stop, it all stops. So I have to keep going no matter what – even if I don’t want to.

At one point, when everything was collapsing, I sat at the computer and just cried as I continued to work on my book proposal. I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone – give into the feeling of frustration and continuing to work. Despite all the problems and my sometimes lack of courage, I haven’t given in to pity. I haven’t thrown my hands in the air nor have I flailed my body around on the floor. I’ve been trying as best I can to just do what I can do, and trust me, it has been one of the hardest things at times. Especially when all I want to do is just crawl under the covers and pretend that all I was meant to do on earth was nap.

I have asked myself when it will all get better, when will I get a lucky break, when will someone fix it all for me so I don’t have to do anything but show up each day. I received an answer when I randomly read my horoscope.

It said:

I felt that was a really sound advice that made sense to me. Sometimes when things are so bad we want to give up and surrender to something bigger while we wait for “luck” or “magic” to save us. The truth is, we can only save ourselves. If we don’t take the step, we’ll never get the journey.

Dreams don’t happen simply because you dream, they happen because you invest yourself in them and do something to make them real. And when you do, you’re rewarded in ways you never thought possible. That’s the real luck right there.

This site and Another Girl at Play have both been down all day – and it’s almost midnight. This means no email, no website, and no mailing list – which is currently lost all thanks to my server accidentally doing something wrong.

Besides the obvious reasons, my stress levels have been at an all time high the past week because I’ve felt as though I haven’t been able to work. I didn’t have a plan in place should so many things go wrong. I used to think if ‘X’ didn’t work I’d just move on to ‘Y’. I never stopped to ask myself what I’d do if ‘X,’ ‘Y,’ and ‘Z’ were broken at the same time.

Now, I’m asking myself.

I’m trying to put a plan into place so should everything strike me at once again, I can still work and move forward. I’ve put all my work contacts on my Palm Pilot so if another internet outage occurs, I can go to the public library, rent a computer, log onto my email and let people know what is going on. I’m backing up all my files onto a zip disk so if the computer crashes again I can go to my husbands school’s computer lab and work on files from there. On top of that, I trying to find ways to relax and remove myself from a bad situation that I can’t immediately fix instead of sitting and stressing over all the problems.

Thinking of what to do “in case” is helping me to deal with a situation I thought was hopeless. Feeling overwhelmed prevented me from thinking clearly and consequently I wasn’t able to do much of anything. Now, understanding that everything can – and will – blow up at once has helped me to find ways to deal with it.

It’s times like these when I realise how much of a godsend strong tea really is.

Today is just a really bad day. There’s just no two ways about it.

It started on Friday with our internet system crashing. That meant no email to contact people I have to contact, no surfing the web for research and no uploading of all my new material.

On Monday, things got worse. The computer crashed making it virtually impossible to type up documents which meant articles with due dates are now on hold until I can figure out if I can salvage my computer or if I can find funds to purchase a new one.

And if that weren’t enough, the madness continued today with the above still not working but with the added bonus of the printer dying, the internet fixing man telling me he can’t do anything for a couple of days and a printing error in my business postcards that just arrived after a month of delay.

It’s days like this where my frustration is at it’s maximum and I can’t do much of anything except throw my body to the ground and flail my limbs around as I scream in a fit. Every thing’s going wrong when I especially need it to go right.

Despite all my efforts to keep up with the heavy workload technology is slowing me down and virtually stopping all efforts. The worst part is not knowing when I’ll be operational.

I literally do not know what to do in this case. All that I need to work on is wrapped up in all that’s broken. I never read about days like this in any writer’s manual. I think someone needs to add it.

Re-reading my rejected book proposal, I understand completely why it wasn’t accepted. Based on what I had written, even I would have turned it down.

Instead of telling an agent or publisher they needed to publish my book, I coyly asked them. Instead of giving them my vision I asked them to find one. I told them what I thought I could and wanted to do, instead of telling them what I had already done. On top, my proposal was weak, redundant, and lacked confidence.

It was hard to see that when I first wrote it because not only was it my first book proposal, it was my first major effort. I was so emotionally involved in it that I couldn’t step back and really look at it – or myself. I decided that the second proposal should not only be better, but be done a different way.

I re-wrote the proposal and still felt something wasn’t right. My judgement was impaired, as I had been staring at the same words for so long they had begun to lose meaning. I asked a good friend to read my proposal and give me some much needed feedback.

After reading it, she told me that I had some good lines in there and was on the right track, but said that I had failed to mention in it where I had kicked ass.

“It sounds a bit like you are trying to convince the reader that you will work really hard and try a lot and then you will become this thing that they want you to be.
You are already it!
You already rock the house!
You’ve already written a book!
You’ve already created several web sites that kick ass!
You have already created a HUGE fan base!”

Said point blank like that, her words hit me really hard. I hadn’t realised all that I had accomplished because I still thought of myself as still learning, not complete, not anywhere or anyone. Because I’m wrapped up in the process and work alone, it’s hard for me to step outside myself and really see what I’ve done. I forget that I have actually become something, rather than am still becoming.

With that kick in the ass I was able to rewrite my proposal from an entirely new angle – one with confidence.

I wrote exactly what my book was about, who I was about and why it needs to be published. I outlined all my success, my abilities, and my accomplishments. Tooting my own horn at first felt uncomfortable and I sometimes thought twice about doing so. However, I’ve been working hard for a year and a half and have made major headway and have amazing projects happening now that it’d be a lie for me to ignore them. After all, isn’t this what I’ve been working for?

My proposal is now almost complete as I just tweak the grammar and a few lines here and there. The difference between my first and second attempt is like night and day and I’m really proud of what I’ve accomplished.

Instead of feeling like the rejection I received was the end of the world, I asked myself why it was rejected and what I could do to improve – and I did. This lifestyle is all about continuous learning and bettering myself because of that. Although it can be hard and frustrating at times, in the long run it’s a really amazing process. And instead of taking a step back when something doesn’t work out, I’m able to take two forward.

Networking. I thought it was either what all those little computer cables or really fake ambitious out for blood people did. Now, I know better.

Throughout 2001 I worked alone for several reasons. Working from home alone doesn’t create co-workers – unless you count a fish and cat that are useless when it comes to ideas. I also used to think I didn’t have anything creative or inspiring to offer anyone so I was afraid to ask for help if I couldn’t give it back. As well, I was afraid that if I did try to learn from other people, I’d be seen as trying to achieve something on someone else’s back.

Although I’ve had a good network of people around me, I haven’t tapped into them like I should have. I’ve been afraid of seeming naive, stupid or not worthy. Now that I’ve feel like I’ve proven myself and standing on my own two feet, I’m slowly learning to ask questions, get advice or ask for help. And although I still tend to be nervous about it, I realise it’s something that I need to do.

A few weekends, I had an artist friend come and stay with me who also works home alone. Talking with her I realised that a lot of habits I had weren’t that unique and fears I felt weren’t uncommon. During casual conversations about our jobs I learned tricks for working at home, ideas on how to stay creative and secrets that aren’t so secret. On my own, that information would have taken me months to learn by trial and error. However, thanks to an afternoon conversation, it won’t.

Finding out how someone else works or ticks, or hearing how someone else deals with finances or computer problems has helped me not feel like I’m insane, but instead normal.

I was under the impression that for some reason, I had to go at this alone and if I didn’t, I’d have some how failed or it wouldn’t have meant as much. I know now that without the wisdom and help from others who are in the same position, it would mean even less.

When I started to look at my writing differently, things started to happen.

Instead of referring to it all the time as “my dream,” I began to call it what is was – my work. Instead of saying to people, “I’m busy writing” I said, “I’m busy working.”

I’m realising that I’m in business, I’m running my own company Girl at Play and that I was running away from the word “work” instead of running away from the word “corporate.”

Work is actually a good thing and I like it and once I realised that, my work schedule got very busy very quickly.

I think because I kept referring to what I’m doing as a “dream” all the time, I didn’t work as hard, thinking that, as in a dream, everything would just be handed to me. Now that I now I have to go and grasp everything no matter what contacts I have.

Also by treating myself like a business, I can do several different things. I write, speak, run workshops, run websites, communicate and support artists and other little things I’m still working on. I’m actually happier doing more and in spite of the bigger workload and schedule. By really concentrating on what I want and how to get it, I went from just talking about how I was living a dream, to actually living it by working in it.

I’m busy. Frantically busy.

A quick run down of what needs to be done ASAP.

* press packet put together and mailed out
* travel articles written
* travel site finished
* spa article to finish and submit
* book proposal to overhaul
* create a copy of the book
* catch up on email
* update the site
* finish another girl newsletter.

All that combined with regular work, another high school reunion, two seminars, a lunch date and sleep. And in the midst of it all, I am happily puttering. In fact, I’m puttering and making tea.

Balancing a heavy workload and playtime has been something I’ve been trying to learn for over a year and am now just catching on. For me, it’s at the moment I don’t think I can stop that I ask myself to and what a world of good it does me.

I got all the important pressing work out of the way early this morning and then I stopped just before my head exploded. I switched gears to playing around with some design on my personal site, writing a love letter to my husband and a dishy letter to my friend. I happily chased the cat around the flat until the both of us needed to nap just a bit on the bed. Now, it’s raining outside and I’m winding down from my puttering with a warm cup of tea in my hand. I know that there’s more work to be done and I can do it now.

For awhile I was so scared to work that all I did was play and then I was so scared to play that all I did was work. By concentrating on just one thing I wasn’t of much use to anyone, especially myself. But by doing both my writing is enhanced as well as my moods and productivity.

Learning to balance has been a long hard road, and it’s still bumpy at times. But on days like today where I get to work hard and play a little without feeling stressed out or guilty about doing either one, I know I’ve at least learned something.