Nov. 06, 2002
Although I declared myself a homebody for the fall and winter, cheap airfares, a friends CD launch party and the chance to visit one of my favourite cities made me otherwise.
Four days ago when I left for San Francisco, I had the feeling that I would get something I needed with this trip. I thought perhaps I would get out of the slump I’ve felt that I’ve been in, a chance to relax with people instead of the usual isolation I’m in or a creative spark that seemed to have left me long ago.
I also thought perhaps this trip would help me to figure out what to do next.
Last year I said that writing wasn’t the only thing I wanted to do, yet it’s been the only thing I’ve done. I want more, I’m capable of doing more yet I haven’t been able to manifest my wants into something bigger – I’ve been stuck.
There have been programs I’ve tried to participate in, creative writing groups I’ve tried to start and a mix of other things that I’ve tried to do to help cure me of my isolation and lack of feeling fulfilled. Despite all efforts, my feelings haven’t changed – where I am isn’t where I want to be.
It’s a frustrating train of thought because people hear my story and think I am so lucky to have the freedom that I do. I hear others say what they would give to work at home, to write all day, to be creative. Yet their envy doesn’t make me feel right. Instead it makes me feel awkward because we don’t share the same excitement for what I have.
In reality the isolation is too much for me to bear. The lack of creativity around me pains me. The inability to live out every idea I have makes me cringe. The lack of support this city offers makes me want to pack up my bags and move.
The past year was spent trying to ignore all this. By filling myself up with work and trips I was trying to escape the reality that I wasn’t happy doing what I was doing. That was hard to admit because I felt I had to to prove that living a dream is what everyone should do. It wasn’t until I read on a billboard, “If you’re livelihood isn’t making you lively, isn’t there a problem?” that I realized yes, there is a problem.
Taking time off from writing about writing, from being a role model, from trying to be only a writer, has been what I’ve needed. It’s allowed me private moments to wallow, to be angry, to be frustrated, to have new dreams and desires without having to explain any of it. It’s also allowed me to realise that I’m now at the same point I was just before I started writing – when I realized there was something more for me to do with my life and I could almost feel it, but I didn’t have a name for it. I can taste something coming on again, but what it is, I have no idea.
In San Francisco my many friends gave me the same message: visualize what you want and it will happen. I’ve had the problem of not being able to visualize anything because I haven’t known what I wanted. Without even attempting to think of what I want, nothings been happening. But I heard this message so often from so many people that I thought this was my lesson.
I picked up a CD, Higher Ground by the Blind Boys of Alabama, based purely on a friends recommendation. Two things unusual about this is that I never purchase CD’s and I’ve never listened to gospel music. When I played the first song this morning, I laid on the floor utop a quilt, the rain beating hard outside and I cried as the warmth of the song came over me:
“People get ready
There’s a train a-comin’
You don’t need no baggage
Just get on board
All you need is faith
To hear the diesel hummin’
You don’t need no ticket
Just thank the lord”
It was the same message: have faith, just believe.
I used to tell people to have faith mixed with visualization and effort and you’d have whatever you wanted, but I’ve forgotten that myself.
I’m dealing with so many different things at the moment – direction, placement, want – that I know it might be awhile before it’s all figured out. Somehow, that’s OK, I’m actually welcoming this feeling of uncertainty. I’m not trying to rush it out the door, I’m asking why it’s here and learning about where I am right now.
However, I’m still asking for the future. I’m thinking about what I want no matter how small or crazy and putting it in my special box. Somethings going to happen, I feel it. I just don’t know what – or when – just yet.