Dec. 18, 2002
The one comment that has come up from publishers and agents is the lack of direction my book has. That if it was developed more, they could do something with it. I think that I was hoping they’d figure out what to do and I could just write it.
That’s not how it’s going to happen.
Although I’ve become closer to what my book is about, I wasn’t quite there with the last proposal – the ending was still unclear to me. After all, if the book is mimicking real life, how does it just end?
I knew the book had to be slightly different from the web site, but again, I wasn’t sure how. I’ve been brainstorming randomly but with the push of the past two days, I’ve been brainstorming like mad and finally figured it out thanks to some creativity and following the rules.
I kept thinking I didn’t need to do a chapter outline like every ‘hot to get published book’ states since my book doesn’t have chapters. I thought that way until I did one and realised if I had only followed these guidelines months before, perhaps I’d have something out there now.
Making the chapter outline I realised my book has several parts – an introduction, a beginning, a middle, an end, a resource section and a FAQ section. I put points underneath them all as to what would go where and the strange thing is, the way I have written it, it all falls into this.
I also created a page to show what’s new in the proposal and book. I’ve been doing my market research making graphs and all that good fancy marketing. Doing that has really helped me to understand my book and who wants what. It’s also helped me stand firm on what I want.
There’s the old saying that to break the rules, you have to understand them. After rereading several of my publishing books I now understand which rules I can – and can’t – break.
The vision is getting clearer.
Dec. 17, 2002
A part of me feels genuinely humiliated for sharing two recent (and huge) failures, understanding now why so many people keep their dreams tucked so quietly within them. To admit when something doesn’t work out is not only personally humbling, but publicly embarrassing.
People love to watch other people climbing the ladder of success. They cheer them on enthusiastically and do all they can to be supportive. Once they’re near the top though, it’s all a different story. Suddenly, the world fills up with folk who are hanging around eagerly anticipating your downfall. This, I discovered, is true for me.
During the poll that I recently setup, a couple of wicked letters poured in and while generally I know the authors and their motivations behind such letters, it was still upsetting to read them.
Why someone would take so much time out of their life to sit down and write a long, nasty letter about someone else was mind boggling to me. I wanted to discount it but at first, the letter had weight because I thought on some level they were right; I had failed and perhaps I wasn’t any good at what I was doing.
Then I realised that out of one thousand letters, only two were negative, which meant that I must have done something right.
I began to realise from the answers to my poll who my real audience was and what they really thought of my book. All but two of the answers were a huge YES! All but two of the answers were, “leave the book as it is!” All but two of the answers were, “Thank-you for writing.”
People had let me known that they wanted the same kind of book that I want – what’s already been written on the web. They let me know that they too didn’t want a self-help book or guide. They let me know that something I did, meant something.
Their feedback helped me to realise that although I still have targets to reach I have already accomplished several things of importance. It also means that I have much to lose and that certain people would now be only too pleased to help me lose it. However, I am not going to give them that opportunity.
Walt Disney once said Get a good idea and stay with it. Dog it, and work at it until it’s done, and done right.
With that, I am going to continue to fight to get my book published. I’m going to modify it, enhance it but not take away from the core which is the basic, simply telling of a journey. No gucking it up, no preaching and no morning pages to add to it. It’s my book and I’m going to get it published my way.
Arrogant? No, just determined.
Dec. 16, 2002
There’s nothing like a two mile walk home from the post office in the pouring, windy rain to make you miserable. Wait, there is – carrying a rejection letter from your publisher of choice during said walk.
Perhaps it wouldn’t have hit me so hard if I had been prepared for it. I truly believed that this publisher would publish my book for several reasons. They publish books like mine, they publish first time authors, I had an inside connection and (I thought) my proposal rocked.
What stung the most was that it wasn’t an out and out rejection; they liked my work – even holding an acquisitions meeting about it. The publisher thought I wrote well, liked the idea, and he even wrote me a personal note back saying that my submission had gone further than most. The ultimate decision to not publish it came down to judgment calls based on the fact they didn’t think the book idea had formed completely nor were they sure of the size of audience it would have.
I had come so close, but not close enough which left me more devastated than a simple “We just didn’t like it” would have.
This rejection left me debating if I should continue on or not with the book idea- maybe all the opinions from “professionals” hold more validity than my dream. On the other hand, there is this fearsome power inside me that wants to prove them all wrong by sending them a copy of my published book with a note saying “I told you so.” Is that arrogance or lost hope? At this point, I’m not sure.
Julie Andrews has perfect advice for a situation like this: “You cry a little and then the sun comes out.” Perhaps I’ll wallow a little, indulge my sadness and wallow a little and then give it another go.
I’ll do more market research (an area I knew I was weak on), I give them a clear, concise book (also something I lacked with my proposal) and just write more, finish it and polish it until it shines. Why? Because at this point in my life, I’ve blown any chances to go back to being a how I was.
Postscript:
I couldn’t wallow, I just couldn’t. I had a cry on the way home from the post and that was enough. If I didn’t believe in what I was doing, if I didn’t believe there was a market, I think I would have given up long ago. But it’s like with any personal dream – it’s inside you and you feel it every day. It never goes away until it’s fulfilled. If I gave up, that would be the real failure – not being rejected from a publisher. To help me focus on what to do next, I set up a poll for readers to help answer my marketing questions. This is to prove to the right people that there is a market and that somehow, this story that I’ve told is relevant in today’s publishing world.
Also, I spent most of the afternoon and evening working on my book and answering the questions that the publisher had. I’m going to redo it all (even rebinding the book thanks to my best-friend Emily) and send it back to the publisher. I feel like their rejection was a passive invitation. The worst that could happen was that they would say no again and since I’ve already been through it once, the second time around should be a piece of cake.
I’m going to use the rejection as a motivator instead of a debilitator. Somehow, it’s not as hard as I thought it would be.
Dec. 08, 2002
Slowly I was starting to form answers to questions I didn’t even know I had asked. Sometimes these answers made sense and sometimes I was left confused, unsure what to do with them.
The only thing I knew for certain was that I was standing at the same jumping off point that I was on April 08th 2001. The point where I knew I had to move forward but I was completely scared to move even one foot.
In April 2001, I got a gentle but firm push from a tarot reader. Did I really need her at that point? Did Dorothy really have to follow the yellow brick road? Of course not, I already had the answer, I was just afraid to act on what I knew. I was afraid to be responsible for a decision that might turn out to be wrong. So I put it in the hands of the Tarot Reader.
In my indecision over the past couple of months, I decided to once again give this woman I didn’t know, my power. I knew where I was, I knew how I felt and I knew that I had to go somewhere. I just didn’t want to be responsible for it. That’s when I called her.
I thought if I spoke with her I’d have the same experience the first time. She’d give me direction, she’d tell me what I needed to hear. She’d make my life work because I just couldn’t.
When I drove up to her place I didn’t want to knock on the door and was relieved to find out she wasn’t there. Driving away I didn’t feel sad to have missed her – I was elated.
It took me until midnight to figure out why.
I didn’t need some woman, no matter how great her insight, to tell me how to move forward. I’ve proven over and over that no matter what, I know how to do that. Despite fear, despite failure, despite rejection, I have always moved forward and quite loudly.
I know what I need to do and it’s simple:
I just need TO DO. No more waiting, no more wondering, no more what ifs or should have’s or want tos. It’s all about the doing.
If I want to paint I will. If I want to sing on stage I will. If I want to write a book I will. If I don’t want to be just a writer I won’t be. I don’t need cards to tell me I’m different, my toes wiggling tell me that.
This time around I gave myself my own push. I’m ready to jump and I don’t need a net.
Dec. 05, 2003
Her reasons were clear; she wouldn’t represent my book because she didn’t believe it could sell as it was. The agent explained that if I changed my book to reflect the style of Julia Cameron or SARK not only would she work with me, but I would have a very successful book.
The only problem with that is that it wouldn’t be my book.
Maybe it’s naive of me to hold my ground and get my vision published. I know it’s definitely harder. Yet if I give in and change it to meet someone else’s vision, I feel that everything I written in the book wouldn’t be able to hold true. Doing something just for the sake of doing it rather than because I want to do it, well, that’s not what my book is about.
Rejecting the chance to have fantastic representation or to be published makes me wonder if it’s the right thing to do. A huge chunk of me says it is because I believe in authenticity and doing what you need to do, but a small part of me thinks I’m daft because how do I know what’s best for the publishing world. Perhaps the Agents and Publishers know more in this area than I. Where’s the line between being steadfast and being stupid?
I keep asking myself what is my goal with my book? What is my motivation? Is it money, to be published, for fame? Money is a partial motivator because I’ve put so much effort into it that I believe I deserve to get paid for it. Getting published is also a motivation because I believe in this book so much and if these journal have so far affected thousands who only have web access, imagine how many more creative souls could come forth if there was a book. Fame? No, because this book isn’t about me – it’s about anyone with a dream.
It’s hard for me to think with all the hits, feedback and media attention that this site has received that the journals as they are wouldn’t work. Although I adore SARK books and have found comfort from Julia Cameron’s The Artists Way, I do not write those style of books nor do I come from the same angle as those writers. I’m different.
There’s still hope with a publisher that I sent my work to months ago. Perhaps they’ll publish me because my work is my own and not an imitation of someone else.
After all, that’s how it’s worked so far. But is it enough?