Dec. 08, 2002
Slowly I was starting to form answers to questions I didn’t even know I had asked. Sometimes these answers made sense and sometimes I was left confused, unsure what to do with them.
The only thing I knew for certain was that I was standing at the same jumping off point that I was on April 08th 2001. The point where I knew I had to move forward but I was completely scared to move even one foot.
In April 2001, I got a gentle but firm push from a tarot reader. Did I really need her at that point? Did Dorothy really have to follow the yellow brick road? Of course not, I already had the answer, I was just afraid to act on what I knew. I was afraid to be responsible for a decision that might turn out to be wrong. So I put it in the hands of the Tarot Reader.
In my indecision over the past couple of months, I decided to once again give this woman I didn’t know, my power. I knew where I was, I knew how I felt and I knew that I had to go somewhere. I just didn’t want to be responsible for it. That’s when I called her.
I thought if I spoke with her I’d have the same experience the first time. She’d give me direction, she’d tell me what I needed to hear. She’d make my life work because I just couldn’t.
When I drove up to her place I didn’t want to knock on the door and was relieved to find out she wasn’t there. Driving away I didn’t feel sad to have missed her – I was elated.
It took me until midnight to figure out why.
I didn’t need some woman, no matter how great her insight, to tell me how to move forward. I’ve proven over and over that no matter what, I know how to do that. Despite fear, despite failure, despite rejection, I have always moved forward and quite loudly.
I know what I need to do and it’s simple:
I just need TO DO. No more waiting, no more wondering, no more what ifs or should have’s or want tos. It’s all about the doing.
If I want to paint I will. If I want to sing on stage I will. If I want to write a book I will. If I don’t want to be just a writer I won’t be. I don’t need cards to tell me I’m different, my toes wiggling tell me that.
This time around I gave myself my own push. I’m ready to jump and I don’t need a net.