September 26, 2003
I currently have more projects going on than I know what to do with; there’s the book proposal that I’m reworking at an agents suggestions (yes!), there are several travel articles I have to complete, one being a test piece for a potential ongoing job and there is also a new site I am trying to launch this fall.
Despite so much happening, I’m sitting here slowly typing, sipping tea and being rather relaxed. Panic attacks, anxious moments and the fear of time have subsided greatly over the past year, especially once I realised that writing wasn’t just one assignment, it was a lifestyle. And I plan on having a life for quite sometime.
When I first started, I was so incredibly (an uncharacteristically) anxious. I wanted everything to happen now. I had followed other artists for so long, I had dreamed of writing for so many years and I felt I knew what I wanted do waiting for my ideas and wants to materialise was extremely hard. It was even harder when I wasn’t sure what I was doing and when I wasn’t sure how to get to the next level.
I sometimes became so overwhelmed with all that needed to be done and the short amount of time I felt I had that I would stop working and just anxiously and nervously wait. Wait for someone to save me, to tell me what to do, to give me ‘steps.’ I thought if I could just follow a pattern that worked and was tried and true, I could instantly have it, whatever ‘it’ was.
However, when I thought about having it I never thought about would happen after I got it. I never asked myself, ‘if I was given everything I thought I wanted right now, what on earth would I do with the rest of my life?’ My jitters never made me see long term and that was a huge part of the problem.
One day, I finally made the connection that writing and creating was my life and living can’t be done in a week. I also realised that anything in life worth having is never easy which is why it means so much when you get it. Chances are, when you accomplish something it’s because you had to put in time, you had to earn it, and most of all, you had to live it.
With that understanding, I began to slow down. The worry that I used to have of never accomplishing something, of never getting anywhere, of never fulfilling some goal quickly faded and I began to enjoy my work instead. I once again became patient, knowing that if one project didn’t work out my career wasn’t over, I could try again tomorrow, next month or next year.
I also began to enjoy the process of learning, of figuring things out, of taking time and having ideas shift and change into other things. Sitting with time instead of running with it, has helped me not only to be a better writer, but a happier one.
And there’s nothing worth doing if it doesn’t make you happy.
September 24, 2003
What was plaguing me on September 05th is now making me rather proud.
When I realized that I am ultimately in control and that yes, one person can close some doors but others can open them, I decided to participate in the project on my terms. This means that when I received my bit that was to be in the book to review, I decided to rewrite it as I wasn’t happy with how it had been edited. Although no words had been changed, the meat of what I was saying, my ideas, my truth, were taken out and I was left saying fluffy things that didn’t make sense.
I decided if I am going to participate, I must be happy with it and it must represent what I am about. I rewrote my bit in a clever and smart way; clever so that it sounds like what they are asking for but smart in that I’m saying what I need to in the way I need to. That means that they get what they want and I, I get to feel satisfied instead of mortified.
I got my ending.
September 21, 2003
I feel as though I am approaching the end of an era with regards to the last several months. As it draws near, I feel as though I have to tread gently, kindly and cleverly but it’s not easy because as I am feeling both confused and angry.
I’m not entirely sure what to do about a particular project I’m working on right now for someone. I worry that things could take a turn for the worse by deciding not to do and act the way some are expecting. I sometimes think someone else has more control over my career than I do and I sometimes fear that they would take control over it out of retaliation. However, the reality though, is that they – nor anyone else – are not in control of me. Ultimately, I am. Always.
I believe it’s crucial right now for me to keep remembering this and act accordingly so that I can bring this era to the right kind of ending.
September 20, 2003
I realised the reason why I was so frustrated over some events that had recently happened, even though previous bad events and disappointments have never affected me as deeply as this one.
I think it was because I was caught up in a game I didn’t want to play in. For the most part I wasn’t, but the fact that I was aware of it, thinking about it, obsessing over it, talking about it, I was in turn participating in it. The messy bits of the game were never my intentions, but the outcomes that they were creating had become my goals – if that makes sense.
After thinking about this last week I decided to get back to basics and asked myself, “What am I doing and what am I doing it for? What are my intentions?” When I sat in silence for a couple of days I answered those questions and realised that they were the same answers as they’ve always been: to be of use and to enjoy my life. I just forgot those intents for awhile because I had so many people telling me what my intentions should be (opportunity, money, connections, fame) instead of listening to myself.
Getting back to my intentions was at first difficult because I was afraid that having integrity and doing as I needed meant that I would lose opportunities, stand alone and not succeed anymore. I was afraid if I didn’t play the game the way others played it, I wouldn’t be able to play it at all. But then I reminded myself if I won at that game by playing by rules I didn’t like or respect, it wouldn’t be winning. Being authentic, real and having integrity are essential to me. Even if that sounds daft or naive, I like that; it’s worked for the past 29 years.
Living my intentions meant that I had to let go of projects that were negative, let go of friendships that were negative (and in letting go it’s not in a “I hate you because you suck” kind of way which I believes, makes hate linger, but in a way of “You do your thing, I do mine, and I wish us both well” kind of way). I also stopped asking myself what the outcome would be if I did things and instead focused on the process. This is generally how I operate but stopped doing because people were telling me to be goal oriented and fearfully aware of the outcome. Like, if I wrote X way, I wouldn’t get a book deal, if I wrote B way, I would lose an audience, if I wrote C way, I would have to write like someone else but be guaranteed work etc.
This was an amazing thing. What also helped was physically shutting out people from email, web sites, and telephone. Sometimes a girl needs a break.
By working and living as I need to, the stress of the past couple of months began to fade, as did the fear. I felt in control again instead at the mercy of others.
I was reading the Yoga Journals current edition and I read an article “Dharma Wisdom” and it just really summed up best my experience these couple of months and where I am now. I’d like to share a bit here because I believe that what I’ve just gone through is NOT unique in any way and that at some point we will be challenged to ask ourselves what really matters, what do we believe in and what will we stand up for.
Although the student thought she was focusing on her inner experience of the present moment, she was actually focusing on a future outcome; even though she had healthy goals that pointed in a wholesome direction, she was not being in her values. Thus, when her efforts did not go well, she got lost in disappointment and confusion…
Goals help you make your place in the world and be an effective person. But being grounded in intention is what provides integrity and unity in your life. Through skilful cultivation of intention, you learn to make wise goals and then to work hard toward achieving them without getting caught in attachment to outcome.
…only by remembering your intentions can you reconnect with yourself during those emotional storms that cause you to lose touch with yourself.
Ironically, by being in touch with and acting from your true intentions, you become more effective in reaching your goals than when you act from wants and insecurities.
In choosing to live with the right intention, you are not giving up your desire for achievement or a better life, or binding yourself to being morally perfect. But you are committing to living each moment with the intention of not causing harm to others… You are connecting to your own sense of kindness and innate dignity. Standing on this ground of intention, you are then able to participate as you choose in life’s contests, until you outgrow them.
Naturally, sometimes things go well for you and other times not, but you do not live and die by these endless fluctuations. Your happiness comes from the strength of you internal experience of intention. You become one of those fortunate human beings who know who they are and are independent of our culture’s obsession with winning.”
September 17, 2003
The Chronicles stopped last March for a couple of reasons; I felt I had nothing new to share, I was afraid to speak of some of the ugliness that was going on and my interest on chronicling had faded. Also, I didn’t want to be public anymore, I wanted my privacy back.
I spent the summer going through changes – personally and professional – and came out with a new sense of who I was as a person and a writer. The time-off from sharing, from wondering if what I was doing was useful, from speculation, was wonderful. It was a messy summer in some regards and completely beautiful in others.
Now I find myself at a new level with writing and creativity. No longer that of someone trying to break into the industry, of trying to get established, of trying to figure out if I really am a writer or not but instead I’m someone who, with so much work, determination and lots of tea, made a creative dream real. I’m now working on maintaining a creative career and lifestyle, of starting new projects and being in charge of my writing instead of at others whims. It feels really good to feel confident, and to feel like I’ve earned that confidence over a two-year journey.
With all the new changes and discoveries, I debated if I should once again share information. I didn’t want to do so unless I was sure that what I shared would be useful and new instead of the same old same old. I decided that because of all the changes, that it’s time to come back.
One of the reasons was some things I went through this summer I didn’t know were so common because no one ever talks about it – not even industry friends. I decided I am going to risk talking about things that are messy, scary and sometimes disturbing because I believe there is value to it. Like good things, they’re important because they’re part of the journey. If we all realise that they all happen, maybe we won’t be so scared when they hit us.