September 20, 2003
I realised the reason why I was so frustrated over some events that had recently happened, even though previous bad events and disappointments have never affected me as deeply as this one.
I think it was because I was caught up in a game I didn’t want to play in. For the most part I wasn’t, but the fact that I was aware of it, thinking about it, obsessing over it, talking about it, I was in turn participating in it. The messy bits of the game were never my intentions, but the outcomes that they were creating had become my goals – if that makes sense.
After thinking about this last week I decided to get back to basics and asked myself, “What am I doing and what am I doing it for? What are my intentions?” When I sat in silence for a couple of days I answered those questions and realised that they were the same answers as they’ve always been: to be of use and to enjoy my life. I just forgot those intents for awhile because I had so many people telling me what my intentions should be (opportunity, money, connections, fame) instead of listening to myself.
Getting back to my intentions was at first difficult because I was afraid that having integrity and doing as I needed meant that I would lose opportunities, stand alone and not succeed anymore. I was afraid if I didn’t play the game the way others played it, I wouldn’t be able to play it at all. But then I reminded myself if I won at that game by playing by rules I didn’t like or respect, it wouldn’t be winning. Being authentic, real and having integrity are essential to me. Even if that sounds daft or naive, I like that; it’s worked for the past 29 years.
Living my intentions meant that I had to let go of projects that were negative, let go of friendships that were negative (and in letting go it’s not in a “I hate you because you suck” kind of way which I believes, makes hate linger, but in a way of “You do your thing, I do mine, and I wish us both well” kind of way). I also stopped asking myself what the outcome would be if I did things and instead focused on the process. This is generally how I operate but stopped doing because people were telling me to be goal oriented and fearfully aware of the outcome. Like, if I wrote X way, I wouldn’t get a book deal, if I wrote B way, I would lose an audience, if I wrote C way, I would have to write like someone else but be guaranteed work etc.
This was an amazing thing. What also helped was physically shutting out people from email, web sites, and telephone. Sometimes a girl needs a break.
By working and living as I need to, the stress of the past couple of months began to fade, as did the fear. I felt in control again instead at the mercy of others.
I was reading the Yoga Journals current edition and I read an article “Dharma Wisdom” and it just really summed up best my experience these couple of months and where I am now. I’d like to share a bit here because I believe that what I’ve just gone through is NOT unique in any way and that at some point we will be challenged to ask ourselves what really matters, what do we believe in and what will we stand up for.
Although the student thought she was focusing on her inner experience of the present moment, she was actually focusing on a future outcome; even though she had healthy goals that pointed in a wholesome direction, she was not being in her values. Thus, when her efforts did not go well, she got lost in disappointment and confusion…
Goals help you make your place in the world and be an effective person. But being grounded in intention is what provides integrity and unity in your life. Through skilful cultivation of intention, you learn to make wise goals and then to work hard toward achieving them without getting caught in attachment to outcome.
…only by remembering your intentions can you reconnect with yourself during those emotional storms that cause you to lose touch with yourself.
Ironically, by being in touch with and acting from your true intentions, you become more effective in reaching your goals than when you act from wants and insecurities.
In choosing to live with the right intention, you are not giving up your desire for achievement or a better life, or binding yourself to being morally perfect. But you are committing to living each moment with the intention of not causing harm to others… You are connecting to your own sense of kindness and innate dignity. Standing on this ground of intention, you are then able to participate as you choose in life’s contests, until you outgrow them.
Naturally, sometimes things go well for you and other times not, but you do not live and die by these endless fluctuations. Your happiness comes from the strength of you internal experience of intention. You become one of those fortunate human beings who know who they are and are independent of our culture’s obsession with winning.”