March 26, 2004
There have been many occasions when I’ve thought of jotting down a note or two here to either update people on what’s going on or share something I’ve learned but I’ve hesitated. The energy has been gone, the desire has been gone, the want has been gone.
I’ve been confused as to why I have found it very difficult to update here and also on my other sites, which are also high profile and receive a tonne of visitors (a combined 90,000 each day. Then I realised why I haven’t felt happy or excited about sharing and writing; it’s because it’s nothing more than a drain now.
In the beginning of all of this I used to love reading my email, all 400 pieces of it each day. There was a sense of support, a sense or rooting for me, a sense of community. I understood why I shared because it seemed to help people and in return, they’d write me a note back to say so. The energy circulated and it felt good.
But in the last year, I feel like all I’ve been doing is outputting and the return? Totally minimal which sounds ridiculously selfish so let me explain.
People now generally only contact me because they want something, which might not sound so bad but when your receive hundreds of these emails, you begin to feel as though people only want to know you for what you can do for them and it’s frustrating. People no longer care about Alex the person, but Alex who can get me fame/attention/a life/whatever”.
Even just this morning, some woman tried to sugar coat a sell job with one fake line of compliment followed by several long paragraphs about her daughter and her soccer team and how I should write about them and promote their book. Those are the worst emails; they’re also the most common.
I have people who want me to link to them, to promote them, to get them “famous” or known. They think I have the power, the ability and the caring to transform their lives into something magical. People want me to mentor them and spend all my free time telling them what to do. People want my connections, people always want me to promote their sites and books. It’s especially bad on the Another Girl site where I state openly on the contact page that I am not accepting submissions so people will send a fake email about how they love the site but really, they’re just promoting themselves so that I’ll “discover” them and put them on. After awhile these emails become highly annoying.
So many people email me, asking me to do their personal web page and when I reply with my fee’s they’re offended. So many people want things for free, they never stop to think that I need to make a living and that I work. I could spend all my time literally just writing advice which is what everyone wants. No one says, “How can I support you, Alex?” It’s all, “Alex, support me, teach me, give to me.” I’m drained. I am literally drained by the demands.
And it’s not just fans or readers. It’s peers as well. They write their books and email me so I’ll mention them. They try to hook up with me at conventions so as to receive a little more attention (this is why I am never doing another convention. The fakeness of it all is very disturbing). They ask me to participate in things not because they like me or what I do but because of who they think I am and what I can do for them. The constant sell has made me question who my friends really are. And at this point, I’m not really sure.
All I know is that on this new level that I’m on, people seem to want, want, want. It’s as though everyone assumes that I’m here just to service them like a robot and that there isn’t a person who types these pages.
Perhaps this all sounds trite and silly but it’s at a point where for me, it’s something I can no longer just accept. It�s frustrating to have an inbox full of demands and insincerity because it makes me not want to give back or talk and that isn’t what I want. When I first started I wouldn’t have imagined I would ever be in this position. All I wanted to do was to create in a way that makes me happy and share that journey so that others could do the same thing. I didn’t set out to be known and have people want to use that. I didn’t want to become a thing.
I do love to help people, share information and give back but I have to be replenished too. I have to have support and inspiration and it doesn’t come in anymore. People assume my ass is kissed so much and I have everything so they leave me alone or just make demands. It�s a very lonely level, this one. I can only imagine what happens to people who are very famous or rich; it must be even lonelier.
What to do about this? I’m not sure. This is new to me and not something I hear people talk about so I’m not sure how to move forward yet. Maybe just venting it out and being honest about how much it bothers me will help. Unfortunately, I know it’s something I just have to adjust to because people will always email me just wanting things because of who they think I am. And I have to let go of the frustration that goes with it, but it’s hard. I guess I just expect too much sincerity and community from people and that’s just not how this business works. It’s all “what can you do for me.”
Right now, I can’t do much.