Something happened over the weekend that really got me thinking hard about what I want for the future. There were a series of events that just happened so quickly and unplanned but it has changed a lot of things already - it might change even more. I’m still processing it and I’m afraid I’m just not brave enough to talk about it right now. Maybe one day, but not now.

So, while I’m wrapping my ahead around the new (and unexpected) movements, I won’t be taking on any new work for the next month. Also, I’ll be taking a communications break until June so there won’t be any updates/email until then.

Before I leave, however, I wanted to share a quote I discovered today:

“Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work.” Rita Mae Brown

Alicia Paulson of Posie: Rosey Little Things & Another Girl at Play, is having another fabulous event at her Portland store this Sunday May 23rd from noon until 4PM. I’m heading there to buy some of her pretty little things.

I totally believe that artists should support artists. It amazes me when people say they want to paint for a living but do not own any paintings. If you don’t support the arts, how can you be in it? Artists have to pay for rent, utilities and create possibilities/examples for others who wish to follow. So support what you want to be. It makes a huge difference for you and the artist.

The last couple of months I’ve been very busy with work. Looking at my schedule for the rest of the year I see it doesn’t let up anytime soon. Most of the work centres around photography, designing some sites, graphic work for books and magazines, and a few other odds and ends.

It doesn’t, however, centre around writing.

That’s because my dream has evolved. It happened awhile ago but I’ve been in a slight bit of denial about I because I used to think writing was it. I used to think all I should do was be a writer - after all, hadn’t I built a reputation on that? Isn’t everyone always telling you to find one thing you’re good at and do that for the rest of your life?

But last year I worked as a stand-in on a big NBC movie where my days began at 7AM and ended no earlier than 3AM. It was freezing cold and there was a lot of waiting involved but I loved every minute of it. I have no ambitions to be an actress but I loved being around other creative people. I loved being around buzz. The life of a writer is very solitary and, although I am a quiet and shy soul who adores her private time, I like to be around others when I choose.

During the time of the movie I didn’t write at all, instead I just worked on the film and photographed a lot. These photographs were shared with people who told me they needed them for their book, magazine or wall. You�re kidding, was my first response, you want art from a writer? But I gave into them just the same.

Later on I started to get more requests for my artwork from magazine editors to book publishers. I had requests to work on another movie (which, I had to turn down due to a travel conflict) and requests for more design consultation. I found myself feeling occupied, happy, and energetic. I hadn’t felt energetic in a long time. In fact, nothing ever wears me out more than writing.

I knew that I wanted to keep writing, especially my travel writing, but I wanted more. Exactly what I wasn’t sure but I knew there was something bigger yet for me to do. I started to see writing less as a career for life and more as a very safe and good stepping stone. Part of the scenery on a very, long creative road.

It�s felt very scary, strange, and selfish to admit that. Sometimes it’s even felt just wrong. The fear of pursuing another dream is the exact same fear I had when I first thought about pursuing writing; when I had no idea what I would do, I just knew I had to do something.

The past two weeks, I’ve become braver about declaring my other ambitions, even if they’re not entirely formed and if only to myself. Once I started to admit these ideas I noticed synchronicities popping up all over.

I had to test if these synchronicities were real or just coincidences that had no meaning. (I find when I want something and am near to getting it, I keep trying to find reasons why it won’t happen as a way to protect me from getting my hopes up. I’m a hopes up kind of girl and can often crash very hard.)

So the other morning I asked outloud, “It seems so complicated. How should I know if I should move forward with my new dream?”

I left the room and headed to my office to check my email and noticed there was an e-card from my dear friend, Summer Pierre. She has sent a card that was written by my other friend, Keri Smith, and the card was:

I sat there for a moment, digesting a very large permission slip. And at that moment, I knew I could move forward. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have a perfectly formed new dream but I am a creative girl who wants to live creatively in all it’s forms - writing or otherwise.

People often think that living creatively gets easier - it doesn’t. Nothing stays the same, especially you. The last three years has brought so much change, so much clarity, so much confidence that I’m busting out of my current seams. I need to make a new outfit and that, I’m learning, isn’t just OK, it’s expected.

After sitting with this for awhile, I started to tare away at all the excuses I had been giving myself as to why I couldn’t go to the next level. I started to examine my fears and work through them. I started to cut out all the BS and make everything simple. It’s a lot easier to move freely when things are simple.

I also realised that the last few entries I had been writing about listening to your heart and pursuing things wasn’t really written for others - it was written by my heart for me.

Exactly where I’ll go from here I’m not sure. A dream isn’t instantaneous. You might have an inkling at first but the dream will develop and take on a life of it’s own - I learned this the first time. I also learned to just enjoy the ride and not make demands on the dream to hurry up. One should never rush a dream.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to write, to paint, to photograph and design. What else? I’m not sure. And right now, I don’t need to be. I just need to trust in the possibility of a dream like I did before.

On my walk along the lake this morning, I saw an old woman painting effortlessly. Each stroke was fluid, quick and creating something amazing. I stood and watched her movements for a few moments and then asked her what her secret to painting was.

“I don’t paint from here,” she said pointing to her head, “but from here” and then placed her hand over her heart.

I understood.

Two years ago I had a conversation with a woman who told me the same thing and it changed my life. She told me that I had been living far too much from my head and it was time to follow my heart. She told me it would be difficult and it was - at first.

So much importance on money, on being right, on not making mistakes, of not looking foolish, of doing the right thing that we often forget just to live and do. That’s why we envy children so much. They do as they please not because of lack of knowledge but because they have a lack of fear of listening to themselves. They haven’t learned to think about their actions. They just do them.

When I first started to paint, I would stop more than I would continue. It was always wrong, always ugly. Each stroke was painful and completely overanalysed. It wasn�t fun at all.

One day I was tired of all the attempts and feeling like crap about it all so I promised myself that for one month, I would paint in secret. I wouldn’t tell anyone, wouldn’t show anyone and wouldn’t have any expectations. I’d keep every ugly painting I made and attach no head thoughts to it.

It was the best thing I could have done because after awhile, I stopped thinking and just began doing. After awhile, my pictures looked less textbook and more like me. After awhile, I stopped hiding them and started selling them.

I think this lesson can be applied to many things, even bigger than just painting. When people ask me about living out a dream they want all the practical information so that they can satisfy their head. But really, what should happen first, is satisfying the heart. The heart is what makes you live.

Listening to my heart made me realise I had to leave the corporate world. Listening to my heart kept me going when I was really scared about being a writer. Listening to my heart changed everything and allowed me to live authentically and well - something I didn’t think possible when I was thinking about every detail in my head and living out my life in thoughts only.

I think everyone’s heart is always trying to tell them something. Sometimes it says, “go on, you can do it.” Or “Yes, that’s right, this is what you should do.” Sometimes the heart has warnings, saying loudly, “I’m hurting. Don’t do that anymore.” It’s the inner-voice we often ignore because of fear (although we often use the word “practical” instead of “fear”). But the moment you no longer ignore you heart and move from it, something amazing happens - authenticity and joy.

It’s hard, at first, to listen to your heart and to move from it. Even if you’ve been doing it for a while one can become lazy and then have to start the process all over again (like me). But it’s crucial. It’s crucial to surviving, it’s crucial to authentic happiness and it’s crucial to painting without effort.

What is your heart saying? More importantly, what are you going to do about it?

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

Every few months I seem to develop a theme that encompasses a lesson I need to learn. It usually takes awhile for me to discover that I�m in the midst of a theme and what it is, but once aware, I notice examples of the theme all over.

My current theme is learning how to be ok with being shiny as my friend Julie Valentine calls it. But I’ve discovered a second theme which really isn’t for me, it’s for whoever needs it, and it’s based on an idea I’ve been talking about over and over on this site the last month.

It has to do with beginning something in any way you can despite any fear that may be there. It�s to become the butterfly, become the forest, become the blossom. It’s going in the direction of your creative dream because the pain of standing still is greater than the fear of moving forward. It�s believing that a dream mixed with action equals reality.

Mostly, it’s the theme of being who you really are meant to be.

I firmly believe that in each of us lies an authentic self that is happy only when we unleash our dreams and become who we should be. Happiness isn’t based on how much money you make, how many fans you have or all the limo rides you get to take. It’s about going to bed content because you know you’ll wake up tomorrow with a life that you want (even during rough patches).

People often hold back because they want to know how to pay the rent and that’s one of the worst reasons to hold back. If money is a concern, work around it. Keep a regular job and paint at night. Go part time at the office and full time as a writer. Get a grant, a loan, a patron. Save your pennies whilst figuring out your dream at night. Cut back on shopping, get a smaller flat, explore free galleries instead of renting 7 movies a week. Get creative about money but don’t get creative with excuses as to why you’re holding back.

Speak your truth and bloom, right now. It’s spring and you’re ready.

One day the Buddah presented a seed to a group of acolytes. “What do you see?” the Buddah asked. “A seed,” they all agreed. “Look harder,” said the Buddah. “It is the entire forest.”

Often, we ignore what we think insignificant because it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the bigger picture. I’ve heard so many people say, “What does that have to do with anything?” with regards to their dream.

But every little thing and detail is connected to something bigger and sometimes is the bigger thing, just not yet.

In a previous post, I mentioned how sometimes a person gets so far ahead of themselves they become overwhelmed and do nothing. But what they really should be doing is looking at the importance of something small and how it can lead to something bigger.

The seed is the entire forest.

People always want the entire dream right now without realising that tiny steps over a period of time make that dream up. Those tiny steps could be thinking of a name of the company, buying new pens to write notes with, writing for ten minutes at night after a day of 9-5, emailing a person for advice, picking up a book on business or sitting down to paint one picture. There has to be somewhere to start, just as there has to be one place to end.

One of my favourite quotes (I collect them as I collect tea. I’m learning how to share both) is from the book, The Power of One. In this book a young man, PeeKay, wants to teach a very small group of blacks in South Africa to read. His teacher questions this, reinforcing that it’s only a handful of people he’d be teaching and what would that really change? To which Peekay responds, “A waterfall begins with one drop, and look what comes from that.”

Possibility lies in the smallest of things. It�s up to us to recognise that and do something with it, rather than wasting time for a big moment that might never come otherwise.