June 26, 2004
I’ve been entertaining the idea of writing just a little; I still like to write about travel and spas with hopes of sharing my experience so that someone can create their own. When I thought about writing an article on a recent spa trip it felt like I was catching up with an old friend, and I discovered I wasn’t quite ready to let her go. I realised I enjoy writing as a special guest and not as a permanent housemate. I can�t write as a career anymore because I don�t like the pressure, the isolation and I don’t really like the “creative community” as it were. I want to write when I feel like it, on the side, but pursue my other dreams full on.
I’ll not be doing anymore design either. If I choose to redo a website for myself or paint up a project because I’m moved to one afternoon, that one thing but to do it for others � no. No more. I want to enjoy my creativity in a very selfish, hobby kind of way and not as a way of making a living anymore. It was overwhelming to deal with so many requests every day, trying to please everyone, doing for the sake of doing, being a part of inauthentic groups, feeling like I had to keep parts of myself quiet so as not to offend. No, I�m done with that.
When I first began to write, I thought I would have loved to be where I am right now but now, I really am retreating from myself and where I’ve been placed. This perhaps sounds odd and people often question why now, at the “height” as it were, when my name is out there and people are begging me to work with them, that I would turn it all away.
What I’ve learned is that a lot of people do a lot of things for the wrong reasons. So much lying, deceit, backstabbing, inauthentic behaviour, well, I didn’t bargain for this. I tried to accept all that and just do my thing in spite but it really affected me. It bothers me to see people writing books on being supportive, on making dreams real, on living out loud but then to see the real side of them � the side you get to see when you�re a friend, a peer, a speaking partner. It’s ugly.
I remember when I spoke at a conference and one woman, who so wants to be famous, was to speak as well on all her muses. She didn’t like me. For whatever reason, she hated me. And she sat right in the front row of my speech with a scowl on her face the whole time to prove it. Yet, her book is about creativity, helping each other, being kind. This woman was really, anything but.
I once I dished with a friend over cheesecake and Thai rolls about creativity, my beliefs and what I’d do. She went and made a book about it and stopped talking to me. This didn’t really surprise me because this woman was deeply flawed – and I don’t mean in a juicy way. She was bitter, bitchy, insecure, competitive and in desperate need of attention. Yet, she’s thought of as this kind, generous, truthful woman who has her shit together (I beg to differ). The fakeness, the lying to her public as it were, bothered me, as did the lying to her friends.
Then there are the online cliques. You know, groups of us whose names are always together. The thing is, people who are grouped together in this way, all start talking alike. Their personalities melt together. If one doesn’t talk the right way or has a disagreement with another one, the whole clique will ostracize that one person. You have to lie, watch what you say, be careful and kiss ass to remain in the cool kids group. I couldn’t take that anymore. I couldn’t take having to change who I am to fit into some group � especially a group that is so internally mean, insecure and damaging. Oh, you�d be surprised who they are.
People who write books and give workshops on how to become yourself yet take their royalties to get boob jobs and nose jobs bug me. How can they keep lying to themselves and their readers? What�s with all this lying?
I just didn’t want to lie. I didn’t want to write some happy book just to sell it, just to get people to buy it, just to be some author. That’s not my goal. Being famous, not my goal, being well liked, not my goal. My goal? Is to have one hell of a life and enjoy it all. That�s it. And for the last year I haven’t been doing that. Instead, I’ve been watching so much drama unfold in the creative world that it’s made me be anything but.
When you work alone, strange things become important -like the web, email, and who’s doing what. Personally, that felt very strange and retarded. It bugged me to see all the blogs of people not telling the truth, trying to sound smart, trying to sound put together (and I know these people personally and know that they�re writing what they think they should write as not to offend people) and it bugged me to see people buying into it. You know, the minions, the groupies, the fans. People who post comments on all the cool kids blogs, wanting to be noticed, wanting to offer support, wanting something from people who really don’t have anything to give. It becomes a sick cycle. That’s a huge reason why I never had comments on here – I don’t want to feed people or be fed by people�’s reactions. I don’t read press about myself, I don’t read comments about myself and for the longest while, I haven�t been reading email. I don’t want my opinion to come from others – good or bad. I’ve seen what happens when people work that way, and it�s very trapping.
Oh, I’m guilty of parts of this at times. I’m no angel and frankly, when you’re in something that works a certain way, it’s really hard to be the one to stand out. It’s actually really lonely and at times painful. People don’t want to mix with you, be friends with you, support you. So you keep your head down and your opinions to yourself.
I wanted my voice and freedom back. And to do that I felt I had to give up what I was in. I had to stop being a creative poster child, stop being part of a clique, stop seeing the inside dish of the creative community, stop knowing what was going on with people, stop being afraid, stop pursuing the road I was one and just give it all up.
Now that I don�t have to worry about making books, writing articles, keeping up with the Jones-s, life�s become a little bit easier and a lot more fun. I have freedom for the first time in a long time. Despite still not being sure how to move into a new direction, unsure of how to pursue my next dream, of still having fear, I have hope and calm – something that-s been missing for a long time. Too long.
If I could offer one thing to anyone else trying to go the road I did it would be to listen less to others and more to yourself. Don-t get caught up in the hype of who others are and what they have. No one is perfect and every story has editing. No one has all the answers and no one has it all together. Some can just make others believe this but they shouldn’t. It’s not fair, I don’t think.
For me, I knew that I could easily have said yes to indulging in a celebrity lifestyle. There are 90,000 hits a day to my sites, there were big name magazines offering me huge deals, there were tours and speaking engagements I could have made but I chose not to because that’s not me. That’s not what I got into this for. I didn’t want to be a personality, a something. I wanted to be a girl doing what she loves to do � and being something else wasn’t that.
A lot of people think I’m crazy for this because, as they say, if that’s the way it is, why not just do it? Why not take the money, the fame, the gigs? Oh, I know a billion others who could and, if they’re truthful about it, then good for them. But I don’t want to pretend or lie to anyone – especially myself. Because then you have to keep doing that and at the end of the day, you feel like shit because you don’t know who you are and what you’re doing. You feel like a loser because your real self isn’t good enough and you don’t want to disappoint others. You have to perpetuate the myth, the lies, the same old ideas because you’re trapped.
And like Anais Nin, I believe you’re never trapped unless you choose to be. And I’m choosing not to be by stopping it all now, and pursuing other things my way. And writing when I feel like it and not because I’m supposed to.