It’s the last day of a four day Women Writers Conference that, for me, has been one of the greatest experiences in terms of connecting with and learning from other writers. The days blew by far too quickly and the 3 Q&A’s I gave were so enjoyable and the people I met made me wish I had a bigger suitcase to take them home in. This morning I had brunch at a home with a mix of locals and presenters, where we were happily ate and, for over three hours, dished as only writers (and girls) can.
That all sounds so fabulous, so happy, so content so absolutely easy and charmed. I can hear it now – the “Oh that Alex, of course that happens to her. Everything is easy when you are fearless and do things” But the truth is, I am not fearless at all – I just don’t give into being fearfull.
I learned this weekend that fear is not a unique feeling whatsoever. In every talk I gave, the question I kept being asked was, “How do you get over the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, the fear of being blown off, the fear of looking stupid, the fear of it not working out and…” well, you’re a creative person – I’m sure you can add a few more fears on your own.
My answer was (and is) always the same – just get over it and do it anyway.
This is not a very welcomed answer. I don’t think when I first say this that I am popular and I understand why. When you are so afraid to fail, to be rejected, to look like an ass the natural tendency is to avoid doing anything but. The fear outweighs the possible joy. So most people look for a guaranteed way to win, to be published, to make art, to ask for money and so forth before beginning. And, guess what, most people then never begin.
A couple of weeks before the conference I became quite ill. At first, like any sane person I hated it. I couldn’t wait to get better. But as the day to leaving for the conference drew nearer and nearer secretly kept hoping that I’d stay sick. That the doctor would prolong bed-rest. That somehow I would get a “get out of conference” sick card so that I wouldn’t have to go.
The reason? I was afraid that it would be a bad experience and I wanted to avoid a bad experience.
My last conference was several years ago and I hated being a speaker at it. It was bitchy, competitive, and far too elitist (as a speaker you weren’t encouraged to really mix with attendees – you were there to spout out information, promote your book, pretend to care from a distance than walk away because you had nothing to learn from the minions). Other authors gave me high-school girl stares and whispered behind my back for reasons that I still don’t know. It was draining, it was boring, it was a complete waste of time and I vowed to never, ever do it again.
Never say never.
Last year when I was asked to participate in The Women Writers Conference I was hesitant. It was in Lexington KY where my husband lived and we hadn’t been back in seven years (perhaps it was time?). And the director assured me this would be about connecting and that I’d get just as much from those who came to hear me speak as they’d get from me. And so I said yes.
But as it grew closer the fear from the bad experience became more and more powerful. I even started inventing fears – what if no one shows up? What if someone falls asleep and snores, what if they shoot spit-balls, what if I forget what I’ve done, what if what I’ve done isn’t enough? What if I spill coffee on my white dress just before I go on (I don’t even normally drink coffee) and so on and so on.
However, like with any fear, the only way to remove it is to work through it and so I did. I got on the plane, I went to the conference, I did what I could and it became something more than I thought. Had I just given into fear or let the bad experiences rule out all others, well, I’m sure you can guess the lesson.
I’m currently typing this on a plane, heading back to LA, ready to be home. I’m sure I could have written this later but the typing takes my mind off the flying* – this literally helps me work through my fear. Yes, despite the fact that for the past fourteen years I travelled extensively and been a travel writer for two of those years (which has required a trip per month on average), I fear flying. Hate it. In a panic over it. So certain that, despite wearing my lucky bracelet, the plane will crash. No. Matter. What.
But I always get on a plane and get to where I need to go in spite of the fear. It’s just that simple.
When we are afraid, we want the fear to go away. We think that’s what will make everything easy for us. Remove the block for a smooth ride ahead. But the truth is, sometimes you can’t remove the fear or you might even manifest more. And sometimes, saying we are too afraid to do something s really just a fancy, polite “make ourselves feel better” way of saying we can’t. It’s resistance. And the only way to get over fear is to do the work. To show up. To not have anymore excuses.
Without the risk, without working through it, without just trying there is possibility to achieve your dream. If you give into the fear of rejection you won’t have an article published, a book in print, a gallery show. If you give into the fear of being brushed off you won’t have clients, an agent, a class. If you fear the trip you won’t ever get to the destination.
But with effort, with a little bravery, and a little step even with a fast beating heart, will eleviate fears more than you know. In fact, it’ll help prepare you for all the other ones us clever creative people will always create. (The upside is that as a creative person, you can also invite things to not be scared of, too.)
A really great song for when you’re afraid or stuck in a rut is “Stuck in a Moment” by U2. What is interesting to this song is that Bono wrote it when he was thinking of Michael Hutchens, lead singer for INXS who later hung himself. My favourite line, and I think the one most powerful, is the one which explains when you choose not to leap:
So, then. There will always be fear. It is unrealistic to say you want to get rid of fear entirely because you never will and you’ll always have that excuse to cling to. Instead, just get over the fear, work through it, do something in spite of it. You’ll be amazed at how easy a habit that can become.
*This flight has been perhaps the most bumpiest, scariest I’ve been on in a very long time. We’ve been flying through a midwest storm for half an hour and the plane goes up and down almost as fast as my heart. It scares the bejesus out of me and so I keep typing just the same, knowing shortly I’ll land on my feet. One always does.
