Finally the podcast from the panel I did at SXSW in March is up. Listening to it I felt really proud (yes, even with the embarrassment of realising I talked about vomit) of all that we said in it. The advice that Emira, Lauren, Jenny and Vickie shared I think is really valuable and I hope the fun we had really came through.

Successful, creative and self-taught entrepreneurs (from graphic designers, to producers, to crafters) will discuss and offer advice on what it’s really like to be the gal running the show. With experience running their own successful businesses on-line and off, each of these women has a wealth of information, advice and success stories to share. The panel will explore what makes business different from a female perspective, the particular challenges the panelists have faced, how to create/maintain a business with/without employees and how to achieve financial success all without boas or pink markers.

Listen Now to the Boss Lady Podcast

One of the highlights for me at this years SXSW was Dan Rather’s Keynote. It spoke a lot about truth in media which is something I think about a lot as both a reader and a writer.

I found it very enlightening to hear the differences in reporting from twenty years ago and now. The biggest difference that I found was how at one point reporters banded together. If a reporter asked a question to say the President and the President didn’t really answer it, the next reporter would have said, “Mr. President, you didn’t answer So & So’s question.” Now, if that happened the next reporter would just ask a new question - no one holds the President accountable for answering it. Journalists to a large degree, have become afraid to stick up for one another or press questions or find the truth. And, as an audience, we have become lazy about questioning what we read and if it’s the truth.

Hearing this keynote inspired me to really write as organically and truthfully as I can. And I’ve been thinking about advertising and how that plays into it and I think if you have personal integrity, if you keep at something that is important to you, if you believe in truth and true creativity, then nothing should get in the way - not working for a big news corporation, a small corporation, an advertising company, or for the President. It’s all about personal responsibility and beliefs. And I just love the way Dan Rather puts it all together.

When I attended a BlogHer panel today I left really, really frustrated Both the panel and the audience, and perhaps rightly so, seemed to be very “grrrrl.” Everyone seemed to reflect each other both in dress and in speech and it everyone seemed to be just so focused on the pain of women, how women writers need to tag everything they do as “women” and how we need to kick some ass (ours! theirs!) and get angry at not being “equal” or as perceived as smart as men because lord knows we’re better. There was an energy in the room that for me was really uncomfortable. It was as though everyone was just riled up and angry at anything not “grrrl” oriented. In talking to a several people after about it, I wasn’t the only one that picked up on it. But then, none of the people I spoke to were “grrrls” (actually, a lot of them were really hot women who held engineering jobs in Google and Yahoo. Their openness made you want to talk to them. Their brains made you want to listen).

Despite having the word “girl” in many of my site and creating sites based on women and for women, it has never, ever been at the expense of men. I do not feel the need to be “PRO WOMAN” to get ahead. I get along fine with the fella’s, can talk business and smack with the best of them, and am taken seriously too. It’s why with almost every site (even the ones “geared” towards women), my readership is always almost 60% female and 40% male. I tend to do things universal because I just believe we’re all here to connect. And I don’t care if you’re in a dress, pants, blue hair or blond. It’s what is interesting and useful to me that counts and not defining myself in a small group to try to gain power.

What I took from the BlogHer was that they seemed to think that as a woman you should be kicking mens asses for visibility and breaking down the boys club and to do that you must be all about being serious woman, hear me roar. That you preach to the choir, form a group of only like-minded people and attack that old boys network which is bad (though this is a little amusing considering they’re creating a woman’s only network). They didn’t seem interested, from what I could tell, in engaging people with different opinions or who weren’t like them. Despite wanting something different, they weren’t willing to risk being different. And I don’t think this phenomenon is unique to them.

There’s a lot of women, especially corporate women or women who seek power and certain positions in which they think only men currently have and will only have unless they become some kind of feminist, who think a pretty little thing that laughs and wears a dress isn’t serious and can’t “help the cause.” They see her as a flirt, dumb, and of no value because real women who try to change things are kicking people’s asses, wearing pantsuits and clinging to being a woman in an unfair world. You can’t smile about! If you do you obviously don’t care! This is how I’ve been treated by so many women in the industry and I’m so fucking tired of it. I tell you, a bit of laughter and a smile backed up with brains got me into top level corporate America and it also helped me create a really successful art career. By playing the game, so to speak, I got into places where I could change the rules. I’ve helped women a lot. I understand women run differently and have different challenges but I’ll be damned if I join a woman’s only network and say I’m limited because I’m a woman. There’s no way I want to get somewhere because I was focusing solely on my sex and the sex of others.

I have a lot of really great, smart, powerful women friends, a couple of whom are involved with BlogHer. Because of these women, I felt it would be less “we’re women with issues” and more “let’s connect,” which is why before I left for Austin I shot an email to them. I have a huge network of women that love to connect and thought it would be a great thing for everyone involved. But, I learned that this orgnisation (and a those that are similar) are really not interested in connecting with things outside what they think their agenda is. If someone doesn’t fit their profile or isn’t a minion, there’s no use. Despite being one of, if not the first, female bloggers in 1995, having two SXSW web nominations for best female oriented sites, despite receiving at least 70,000 hits on every site I’ve created and being in the industry for ten years, to a lot of girls in tech especially, a smile, a pretty dress means I don’t know what I’m talking about. Not being angry or “grrrl” centric means I’m not serious. Not having a blog entry about the trials and tribulations of how I suffer means I’m blind to what goes on. The truth is, they want to cling to being a minority and old definitions despite the pretense of wanting to break them down. I think they also cling to things as an excuse for why they’re not where they want to be. “If I was a man I’d have done X. If I was a man I’d have more hits. If I was a man I’d be taken seriously. If I was a man, I’d have more power.” Excuses are never, ever powerful and I don’t participate in that. It’s probably why I have, for lack of a better term, been successful in a mans world. I don’t look at it as a mans world - I see it as mine. Whatever I want to do - I do it. That simple.

In the conference, one woman asked the question “If stereotypes in reality bother you so much, why would you bring them into internet space? Why is it so important to be a woman blogger and not just a blogger? Why would you focus more on tagging your work as “woman” or “lesbian” instead of a woman who blogs or a lesbian who write? Why cling to names?”

The whole panel just skipped this question. When she tried too reiterate her question again, the panel once again ignored her. She didn’t look like anyone on the panel, she wasn’t mimicking the cheering on of the audience and she had a different point of view that didn’t seem to be heard or addressed. If it was, perhaps they would have gained two allies instead of alienating to. Because after the panel I talked to her about it, saying I thought it was the most challenging question out there and how disappointed I was to not hear them respond. I said I think it scared them because they were so caught up in being rah, rah, rah about being a woman and being heard that they forgot to listen and accept all kinds of women and perhaps didn’t want to acknowledge that they were perhaps hurting their own cause. You don’t convert people to your belief system by attacking them, making them afraid of you or being so glued to your ideas you can’t accept some challenging ones from someone else.

I happened to grow up in a European culture where girls wore dresses and no one thought anything of it - not even in advanced calculus. But here, at this conference and a lot of the time in America, if you don’t have a certain “look” that most women in any given area have other women tend to think you’re not serious. In this case, wearing a dress and having long blond hair makes me stand out and makes it really, really hard to connect sometimes to other women. Men, on the other hand, haven’t ever judged me so harshly as other women and are a lot more open to what I have to say and what I can do. Male bosses have advanced me further up the ladder, mentored me, given me chances when other women wouldn’t because most women bosses had an idea of what a “serious woman” is and if you hire a happy girl in a dress, she might make take women back 50 years! Which is perhaps why I tend to have more male role models who are just about getting things done, creating, and supporting instead of trying to be all about women and competing with them and trying to figure out my rank. A man goes from point a-z without apology. Some women, however, take a long and winding road because they think they have road blocks that if they just didn’t give weight to, wouldn’t be there.

The point is that if you want to wear a dress, go for it. If you want to be butch, go for it. You want to blog, do it. You want to giggle, sure! You want to be powerful and a woman, why not! Do what is in you to do and to be. Don’t cling to an idea of who you think you are or who you think others are. Don’t keep talking about limitations (ones that you self-impose or feel that society has imposed). Try to connect with more than what you know, especially if change is a goal. Because if you don’t, chances are you’ll stay a> bitter b> a minority and c>unsuccessful and d>unhappy. The only way to not feel trapped as a stereotype is to not be one.

{And as a side, I’d like to thank the people (girls & grrls) who have emailed me about this. From those who’ve agreed to the couple that haven’t. It’s good to have the discussion. To see each others sides, to bend a little, to hear. Because being willing to take the risk and talk about one’s experience and perhaps in return hear about an opposite experience or a different view is so much more beneficial to everyone than just getting snarky, childish and stopping conversation on a web site. It’s been unfortunate, for me, that the BlogHer Panel & their minions found this post and decided to just send hate mail instead of conversations. No one benefits that way because this kind of discussion isn’t about being right or getting the last word. It’s about hearing how we’re treating each other and calling each other on it (myself included). If women really want women to get more power, they have to stop keeping each other down instead of blaming men).

In the several years I’ve been working as an artist, I’ve asked for outside help with projects only a handful of times, if that.

Despite having access to a lot of fabulously talented and helpful people, I’ve never really called on any of them. Oh there have been so many times I’ve secretly asked for help but the words never came out of my mouth. It’s not that I was afraid of rejection or people giving negative feedback or help, but in being afraid that I couldn’t do it all on my own.

This has been a struggle with me because so many people think I am the one with all the answers. I am the one they come to with questions, concerns and calls for help - to which I always respond if I can. It just felt awkward to me to say, “Hey, I need some outside feedback.” It felt as though I were saying I wasn’t good enough somehow.

However, I realised this year that I do need help, especially with regards to a book I’m writing. I had the idea, I had the concept but I didn’t have perspective anymore. I had been in this book for far too long, the words all seemed repetitive and the idea almost boring. I had to create a new title and I couldn’t. I couldn’t step outside myself.

I knew I had to ask for help but it felt terribly embarrassing. What if people didn’t want to help me? What if they thought me daft for even asking? What if they thought the whole idea stupid? What if, what if, what if.

It’s a terrible state to live in, the what if state. I knew I needed to move out so I started to ask.

At first, I asked just several friends. Only one of them responded. My first fear of people not wanting to help me had been overcome - some didn’t want to help and I was still alive and no worse for wear. So I worked up the courage over the next several days to ask for more.

I put out a call on the Another Girl at Play Mailing List, asking for volunteers. I was slightly secretive about the project, not wanting to be public about something that could be seen as silly. A couple of people responded and when I replied to one with the details, I had accidentally sent the message to the whole list!

It wasn’t the error that embarrassed me but the fact I had now publicly declared my idea and need to hundreds of women! I sat for a few moments with this blunder and thought to myself, maybe this is the universe telling me I need to get LOUD and COMFORTABLE with sharing and asking for help.

So I did.

I said right after this, “I am ready for help” and then it literally started to pour in.

Lots of people were offering ideas, suggestions, information and most of all, support. In ten minutes I got further ahead because of other people than I had in the past two months of trying on my own. I had perspective, fresh ideas and most of all, the comfort of asking for (and receiving) help.

I believe that you have to actively be working on or towards something in order for people to actively help you.

So often I see people saying “I want help with my life/dream/goals” whilst doing nothing. They want someone to just drop in, tell them what to do, hand them their life and then just take over. It doesn’t work that way.

The universe (and people) respond to specifics. They respond to activity. You have to have an idea and be working on it (even if it’s just trying to really formulate the idea on paper first) in order to get a response. If you’re not willing to help yourself, why and how should someone else help you?

I used to think that writers were the most open people; after all we are constantly sharing our thoughts. However, it’s been my experience that writers, and to a large extent creative people, are often the most secretive.

I think a lot of the secrets have to do with insecurity. It’s hard to be a writer. When you first declare it, people give you funny looks, make assumptions like you’re hiding out from the real world, that you’re flaky or not really a worker. Generally there are childhood issues to deal with and society’s reactions so one doesn’t enter the life of a writer easily. Once a writer, you’re often dealt with rejections, criticisms and in some cases, controversy. No, things don’t get easier there.

But it would seem to me, that with so much insecurity from the above, that writers would be more prone to stick to one another, help each other out, dish secrets. But it doesn’t happen. What happens is that writers close up. They don’t want someone else to get a gig, a book deal, a paycheque. The sharing of information? It just doesn’t happen to a large degree.

I’m not a competitive person at all which doesn’t mean I’m lazy and just let things pass me by. I work hard for myself but I don’t judge myself against others because I think that’s a bit ridiculous. After all, my experiences, my life, my goals are so different than others who have different responsibilities, experiences and goals. I don’t worry what others do, I just worry about what I do.

When friends ask me for information, I share it without hesitation because I don’t worry about an idea being stolen, a contact sliding to their side or them obtaining a life that was meant for me. This business is hard and if I can help make it easier for someone else, then maybe someone would do the same for me.

But most writers don’t share contacts, ideas, how to’s. I think there is just a huge fear in most people that if they do share, there won�t be a spot for them. That if they give away information, their little hold on something will be gone. And I think people need to get over that fear. There’s enough for everyone. There really, truly is.

I remember when the talented Krissy Bradfeild mentioned on a mailing list I run that she was starting a travel web site. Instead of being scared and worried about competition since I run a travel web site, I was so thrilled for her. I was so happy to see someone else doing something and was excited for the site’s launch. When she contacted me to see if I would write something, I told her I would without hesitation. When my original idea didn’t pan out (the hotel I was going to write about was not so great), I told her to take any article from my site she wanted; and she did. Worked out great for her, worked out great for me. There’s no fear that she will beat me or become more successful because we’re doing different things. Yes, we’re both doing travel but we’re doing it differently. This doesn’t hurt us, it only helps us. However, most writers would be very scared of this.

Writers on higher levels (lots of book deals, fame, money) become even more paranoid. I’ve noticed that they like to take a lot of information and ideas but will almost never give back. They don’t want you in their circles nor do they want you to have success that could take away from their own. I’ve known a lot of big names who hounded me for information, which I gave out of being friends and helpful, saw that information used to writer their books and change their persona only to have any questions I had rejected. They didn’t want to share back. Took me a long time to understand why.

I believe the more we share, the more good comes out of it. I don’t worry about ideas being ripped off (this has happened and will happen again I’m sure), of someone else getting an article published and not me or that somehow, some information I share can come back to bite me in the ass (this has happened and will happen again I’m sure).

The competitive side to this business is really shocking to me. It continues to shock me because I don’t come above water very often, preferring just to do my own thing and remain oblivious to a lot of the inside gossip and workings. But when I discover it again, I always ask myself, “What are they so worried about?” The answer should be nothing because if you want something, you can get it. No one can take away your dream just because you shared it. In fact, more than likely good things will come.

It’s a shame more people don’t realise that.

There have been many occasions when I’ve thought of jotting down a note or two here to either update people on what’s going on or share something I’ve learned but I’ve hesitated. The energy has been gone, the desire has been gone, the want has been gone.

I’ve been confused as to why I have found it very difficult to update here and also on my other sites, which are also high profile and receive a tonne of visitors (a combined 90,000 each day. Then I realised why I haven’t felt happy or excited about sharing and writing; it’s because it’s nothing more than a drain now.

In the beginning of all of this I used to love reading my email, all 400 pieces of it each day. There was a sense of support, a sense or rooting for me, a sense of community. I understood why I shared because it seemed to help people and in return, they’d write me a note back to say so. The energy circulated and it felt good.

But in the last year, I feel like all I’ve been doing is outputting and the return? Totally minimal which sounds ridiculously selfish so let me explain.

People now generally only contact me because they want something, which might not sound so bad but when your receive hundreds of these emails, you begin to feel as though people only want to know you for what you can do for them and it’s frustrating. People no longer care about Alex the person, but Alex who can get me fame/attention/a life/whatever”.

Even just this morning, some woman tried to sugar coat a sell job with one fake line of compliment followed by several long paragraphs about her daughter and her soccer team and how I should write about them and promote their book. Those are the worst emails; they’re also the most common.

I have people who want me to link to them, to promote them, to get them “famous” or known. They think I have the power, the ability and the caring to transform their lives into something magical. People want me to mentor them and spend all my free time telling them what to do. People want my connections, people always want me to promote their sites and books. It’s especially bad on the Another Girl site where I state openly on the contact page that I am not accepting submissions so people will send a fake email about how they love the site but really, they’re just promoting themselves so that I’ll “discover” them and put them on. After awhile these emails become highly annoying.

So many people email me, asking me to do their personal web page and when I reply with my fee’s they’re offended. So many people want things for free, they never stop to think that I need to make a living and that I work. I could spend all my time literally just writing advice which is what everyone wants. No one says, “How can I support you, Alex?” It’s all, “Alex, support me, teach me, give to me.” I’m drained. I am literally drained by the demands.

And it’s not just fans or readers. It’s peers as well. They write their books and email me so I’ll mention them. They try to hook up with me at conventions so as to receive a little more attention (this is why I am never doing another convention. The fakeness of it all is very disturbing). They ask me to participate in things not because they like me or what I do but because of who they think I am and what I can do for them. The constant sell has made me question who my friends really are. And at this point, I’m not really sure.

All I know is that on this new level that I’m on, people seem to want, want, want. It’s as though everyone assumes that I’m here just to service them like a robot and that there isn’t a person who types these pages.

Perhaps this all sounds trite and silly but it’s at a point where for me, it’s something I can no longer just accept. It�s frustrating to have an inbox full of demands and insincerity because it makes me not want to give back or talk and that isn’t what I want. When I first started I wouldn’t have imagined I would ever be in this position. All I wanted to do was to create in a way that makes me happy and share that journey so that others could do the same thing. I didn’t set out to be known and have people want to use that. I didn’t want to become a thing.

I do love to help people, share information and give back but I have to be replenished too. I have to have support and inspiration and it doesn’t come in anymore. People assume my ass is kissed so much and I have everything so they leave me alone or just make demands. It�s a very lonely level, this one. I can only imagine what happens to people who are very famous or rich; it must be even lonelier.

What to do about this? I’m not sure. This is new to me and not something I hear people talk about so I’m not sure how to move forward yet. Maybe just venting it out and being honest about how much it bothers me will help. Unfortunately, I know it’s something I just have to adjust to because people will always email me just wanting things because of who they think I am. And I have to let go of the frustration that goes with it, but it’s hard. I guess I just expect too much sincerity and community from people and that’s just not how this business works. It’s all “what can you do for me.”

Right now, I can’t do much.

I realise it’s been over two months since my last real update which might make one wonder if I’m still around.

I am.

But this past year I’ve become a lot more private and to a certain extent, guarded. My want to share has dwindled and it�s only now I’ve fully realised why.

For over two years I’ve felt I’ve been highly open and public and that had begun to wear down on me. The expectations from others that I felt seemed like demands. Demands to always have some great new insight, to be happy, to show that this dream-life rocks socks. I felt the demands to always have some new work to show, a new publishing credit and a fancy paycheque to be proud of. There also came the expectations from others that I would change their lives, promote their work, make them famous. I felt this incredible personal drain because of what people wanted, what they demanded.

So I stopped writing and thinking about others and went completely internal. I started to ask myself what I wanted.

That was scary as hell.

I realised what I wanted might not be complimentary with what my readers wanted, both on my web site an in print. I wanted to write less about writing and more about high-end travel. I thought, what if my audience won’t follow me and they lose interest? When I sat quietly one night I realised that I would just find a new audience. When I realised that I didn’t want to write just about the good bits anymore because truly for the past year, I’ve been witness to and experiencing a lot of the negative side of the business, I was afraid that people would think me whiny or ungrateful. But I sat quietly and realised that I can’t be afraid to talk about the bad, especially if I think it’s universal. I have to be truthful because so many people fail to be honest when they reach a certain level. I can’t complain about what I dislike if I’m doing the same. I also realised that I�m tired of sharing my work in the sense that it began to feel like a sales job every time I mentioned something. I felt pressure to say, “Oh I’m doing this job and that job.” I didn’t want to do that anymore. I just wanted to work without it having to be a big deal, without having to justify or explain. I didn’t want people to think I was no longer a writer because I am doing artwork for books and magazines as well.

This introspection was so needed and really helpful but it lead to me being quiet on the writing front. I’m still quiet, still learning how to adjust my wants and needs whilst being of use to others but I’m not going to lie - it’s hard. It’s hard to learn how to keep some for me and share some with you. It was easy in the beginning but now with so much more demands and expectations, it’s become harder. ‘m working on it.

The other bit that has been truly hard for me is how much people want from me and the enormous amount of insincerity I receive as a result. I wrote about this on the March 25th entry on the site so I won’t elaborate here. But the want from others has really drained me and made me feel isolated. I can’t recall the last time I asked someone for a favour or help because I feel like who do I go to, will I sound demanding, will I come across as fake? The amount of output expected doesn’t equal the input and that’s really hard. I talk so much about community and support and I think I do this because it’s something I crave but haven’t really found. People put me on some weird level which keeps me distant from so many. It’s as though people think I don’t need support or they have nothing to offer me because they’re not where I am. Well, that’s just plain ridiculous. I’m human. I’m just doing my thing and sometimes I stumble, get confused, get overwhelmed, get lonely, get uninspired and I think everyone of us has those emotions at some point. We can always offer each other something. No one is ever better than, more important than, has all the answers, has it made, is too cool or what have you. Everyone is just everyone.

So as I grow into this new phase of mine, as I adjust to the public and private me and as I adjust to people putting me on a different level, there will be some growing pains. I’m not sure what direction I’ll be taking with writing on web sites but I’m going to try to continue as much as possible without feeling drained by it and without being fake about it.

Because one thing that hasn’t changed is I still want to be useful and I still want to share enough as to take the fear out of someone else doing what I’ve done. I still want people to feel possible.

I must confess that I adore celebrating events which might be getting to ridiculous levels but let me explain.

When I first started working on my own as a writer, I thought that when I got my first published article the world would celebrate it. I thought when I made my first $10,000 the world would celebrate. I thought when I got my first book contract, the world would celebrate.

The world didn’t celebrate anything because they didn’t know. And frankly, a lot of the world didn’t care.

Although I disliked the cheesy celebrations that my corporate office used to have (the sad little certificates to celebrate one year of service, the pens that never worked to celebrate 2 years) I missed them. I missed recognizing good moments so I decided to start celebrating myself and my successes - no matter how small.

When I queried my first magazine, I celebrated with a nice sized specialty latte and a piece of cake. When I got my first magazine article, I celebrated with a dance in the flat and a dinner at a cheap cafe around the corner. When I put together a web site, I celebrated. When I did something little that was an accomplishment to me, celebrated. Huge things? Oh I celebrated!

The point is, there’s a lot of celebrating going on in my house. Things that seem little to other people, I make into huge deals for me by eating a cupcake, buying a new book, a fancy pen or some art supply I want. Sometimes it’s just shaking myself silly to music. I learned that if I don’t celebrate my accomplishments, no one else will. It’s so important to feel like you’re achieving something instead of just waiting for huge public milestones. It’s also much more satisfactory and you get more confidence doing it yourself. And the best part is that you feel like you’ve done something instead of feeling like you haven’t because no one made comment.

But, the bigger point to this is when there is something huge to celebrate, share it. And what I really want to share is the 2 year anniversary of the Another Girl at Play web site (which really happened at the end of February but I was gone, celebrating!)

I wish I convey how much fear I had about creating this site. I thought the idea was good but the fear of asking people to join it was overwhelming. I was so afraid of looking stupid, of being rejected of being told, “Who are you to do something like this?” It took me several months to work up the courage and when I asked the first person and they accepted, I, of course, celebrated.

Two years later, the site is thriving and it’s one of my happiest accomplishments, despite never making money from it. I love the sense of community it’s taken on and the amazing people I’ve met because of it. And for that, I would like to set aside a moment tonight to celebrate it.

Thank goodness there’s some sweet wine chilling!