“If we as designers can learn to fight the urge for quick answers and focus more on unique, lasting solutions that revolve around defining problems, there’s a chance to turn it all around. Finding new appreciation for both concept and execution (and their relationship to each other) will spark greater conversation within our communitity about how and why design is important in the first place.” from Consumption: How Inspiration Killed, Then Ate, Creativity.

It’s too easy for us to get caught up in the vision we’re driving towards and ignore our own health and well-being along the way. If you can have a life while you run your business — if you can lead a healthy, well-rested, diverse life, that is, rather than a workaholic one — your clarity, productivity, and creativity will all benefit. And those aren’t things that are just nice to have — they’re critical to your success as an entrepreneur.

from Lauren Bacon’s (of The Boss of You: Everything A Woman Needs to Know to Start, Run, and Maintain Her Own Business) blog post for Biz Ladies 09: HR for the Self-Employed: Perk Up!

For those of us who have been seriously blocked at times–and man, I have been there and can still be there–sometimes the hardest thing to do is to just DO the work ANYWAY (see the first two years of this blog).  I can tell you that when I was blocked I was NOT short on ideas, inspiration, or plans, what I was short on was patience, humility, and action.  I loved the IDEA of creating in a concrete way, but for the longest time I was not willing to be bad or a beginner again.  I was in love with my own history as an artist–the times I was flowing with work or living what I perceived looking back as an idyllic time.  I combed over my songs, my poems, my art that I had completed like precious, frozen love affairs that I could not leave behind.  The truth was I just needed to sit down and DO.  What this required was willing to feel like a complete loser, to be boring, to be really BAD, and to live with the shame and pain of leaving behind my perfect, frozen past, and admit to where I really was–as imperfect and unromantic as it was.

From Tough Love by Summer Pierre

15 years ago I cleaned toilets in an historic, fancy hotel. Now I write about such hotels and get paid for it. I even was sent on assignment to write about the one I once cleaned.

8 years ago I moved to America. I made $7,000.00 that year and had to weigh apples to make sure I could afford them. Now, eat 3 apples each day. Sometimes 4.

5 years ago I was in a job I hated and wanted something else. Now, I choose happiness and everything else.

Today, I’m incredibly happy.

That all sounds so fabulous, so happy, so content so absolutely easy and charmed. I can hear it now – the “Oh that Alex, of course that happens to her. Everything is easy when you are fearless and do things” But the truth is, I am not fearless at all – I just don’t give into being fearfull.

I learned this weekend that fear is not a unique feeling whatsoever. In every talk I gave, the question I kept being asked was, “How do you get over the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, the fear of being blown off, the fear of looking stupid, the fear of it not working out and…” well, you’re a creative person – I’m sure you can add a few more fears on your own.

My answer was (and is) always the same – just get over it and do it anyway.

This is not a very welcomed answer. I don’t think when I first say this that I am popular and I understand why. When you are so afraid to fail, to be rejected, to look like an ass the natural tendency is to avoid doing anything but. The fear outweighs the possible joy. So most people look for a guaranteed way to win, to be published, to make art, to ask for money and so forth before beginning. And, guess what, most people then never begin.

A couple of weeks before the conference I became quite ill. At first, like any sane person I hated it. I couldn’t wait to get better. But as the day to leaving for the conference drew nearer and nearer secretly kept hoping that I’d stay sick. That the doctor would prolong bed-rest. That somehow I would get a “get out of conference” sick card so that I wouldn’t have to go.

The reason? I was afraid that it would be a bad experience and I wanted to avoid a bad experience.

My last conference was several years ago and I hated being a speaker at it. It was bitchy, competitive, and far too elitist (as a speaker you weren’t encouraged to really mix with attendees – you were there to spout out information, promote your book, pretend to care from a distance than walk away because you had nothing to learn from the minions). Other authors gave me high-school girl stares and whispered behind my back for reasons that I still don’t know. It was draining, it was boring, it was a complete waste of time and I vowed to never, ever do it again.

Never say never.

Last year when I was asked to participate in The Women Writers Conference I was hesitant. It was in Lexington KY where my husband lived and we hadn’t been back in seven years (perhaps it was time?). And the director assured me this would be about connecting and that I’d get just as much from those who came to hear me speak as they’d get from me. And so I said yes.

But as it grew closer the fear from the bad experience became more and more powerful. I even started inventing fears – what if no one shows up? What if someone falls asleep and snores, what if they shoot spit-balls, what if I forget what I’ve done, what if what I’ve done isn’t enough? What if I spill coffee on my white dress just before I go on (I don’t even normally drink coffee) and so on and so on.

However, like with any fear, the only way to remove it is to work through it and so I did. I got on the plane, I went to the conference, I did what I could and it became something more than I thought. Had I just given into fear or let the bad experiences rule out all others, well, I’m sure you can guess the lesson.

I’m currently typing this on a plane, heading back to LA, ready to be home. I’m sure I could have written this later but the typing takes my mind off the flying* – this literally helps me work through my fear. Yes, despite the fact that for the past fourteen years I travelled extensively and been a travel writer for two of those years (which has required a trip per month on average), I fear flying. Hate it. In a panic over it. So certain that, despite wearing my lucky bracelet, the plane will crash. No. Matter. What.

But I always get on a plane and get to where I need to go in spite of the fear. It’s just that simple.

When we are afraid, we want the fear to go away. We think that’s what will make everything easy for us. Remove the block for a smooth ride ahead. But the truth is, sometimes you can’t remove the fear or you might even manifest more. And sometimes, saying we are too afraid to do something s really just a fancy, polite “make ourselves feel better” way of saying we can’t. It’s resistance. And the only way to get over fear is to do the work. To show up. To not have anymore excuses.

Without the risk, without working through it, without just trying there is possibility to achieve your dream. If you give into the fear of rejection you won’t have an article published, a book in print, a gallery show. If you give into the fear of being brushed off you won’t have clients, an agent, a class. If you fear the trip you won’t ever get to the destination.

But with effort, with a little bravery, and a little step even with a fast beating heart, will eleviate fears more than you know. In fact, it’ll help prepare you for all the other ones us clever creative people will always create. (The upside is that as a creative person, you can also invite things to not be scared of, too.)

A really great song for when you’re afraid or stuck in a rut is “Stuck in a Moment” by U2. What is interesting to this song is that Bono wrote it when he was thinking of Michael Hutchens, lead singer for INXS who later hung himself. My favourite line, and I think the one most powerful, is the one which explains when you choose not to leap:

So, then. There will always be fear. It is unrealistic to say you want to get rid of fear entirely because you never will and you’ll always have that excuse to cling to. Instead, just get over the fear, work through it, do something in spite of it. You’ll be amazed at how easy a habit that can become.

*This flight has been perhaps the most bumpiest, scariest I’ve been on in a very long time. We’ve been flying through a midwest storm for half an hour and the plane goes up and down almost as fast as my heart. It scares the bejesus out of me and so I keep typing just the same, knowing shortly I’ll land on my feet. One always does.

So instead of sharing every detail of my work, I quietly went about my own business and let it flourish without the spotlight. Chances are if you’ve picked up a major travel magazine or read the travel section of any US or Canadian newspaper you’ve seen my work. My photographs have been in galleries from London to Vancouver and my artwork has been in stores and on book covers. I’ve been working on major movie sets doing everything from stand-in work to production coordination. Despite being quiet on the web, I’ve been living loudly, happily, and successfully. In fact, I’ve been more productive, more creative and more successful since becoming private about my work – probably due to the fact that instead of taking time to write about it, question it and over think it with a blog-thought, I was just all action.

A couple of years ago I stopped reading artists blogs, books, websites, creative ideas and trying to validate everything. I just did what I wanted and what worked and let everything fall as it may. Although one can find inspiration from others and their work, I think it’s more important to just do the work you’re capable of without judging it or comparing it to where others are. You shouldn’t be keeping a scorecard or trying to prove something to an audience.

Art is about expressing what’s in you without judgment and ego. For me, that means to do anything and everything that pops into my head, continue making a great living at it, enjoying all the great bits and messy ones but never having to explain what it is I do. That freedom is what allows me to keep moving forward and working every step of the way.

It wasn’t money that got me to where I am, it wasn’t years of education, contacts, superpowers, conferences, or books. What got me to where I am is the simple act of making a decision and following through no matter what.

It is possible. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. And don’t ever buy into the sales pitch that it only happens to others, that you have to buy their books, do it their way, mimic their life, have to have their hair, clothes, connections. All you need is you and the ability to say, “Today, I am going to do what I need to do – however it needs to be done, in any way I can, and for as long as it takes. I will.”

I’ll not be doing anymore design either. If I choose to redo a website for myself or paint up a project because I’m moved to one afternoon, that one thing but to do it for others � no. No more. I want to enjoy my creativity in a very selfish, hobby kind of way and not as a way of making a living anymore. It was overwhelming to deal with so many requests every day, trying to please everyone, doing for the sake of doing, being a part of inauthentic groups, feeling like I had to keep parts of myself quiet so as not to offend. No, I�m done with that.

When I first began to write, I thought I would have loved to be where I am right now but now, I really am retreating from myself and where I’ve been placed. This perhaps sounds odd and people often question why now, at the “height” as it were, when my name is out there and people are begging me to work with them, that I would turn it all away.

What I’ve learned is that a lot of people do a lot of things for the wrong reasons. So much lying, deceit, backstabbing, inauthentic behaviour, well, I didn’t bargain for this. I tried to accept all that and just do my thing in spite but it really affected me. It bothers me to see people writing books on being supportive, on making dreams real, on living out loud but then to see the real side of them � the side you get to see when you�re a friend, a peer, a speaking partner. It’s ugly.

I remember when I spoke at a conference and one woman, who so wants to be famous, was to speak as well on all her muses. She didn’t like me. For whatever reason, she hated me. And she sat right in the front row of my speech with a scowl on her face the whole time to prove it. Yet, her book is about creativity, helping each other, being kind. This woman was really, anything but.

I once I dished with a friend over cheesecake and Thai rolls about creativity, my beliefs and what I’d do. She went and made a book about it and stopped talking to me. This didn’t really surprise me because this woman was deeply flawed – and I don’t mean in a juicy way. She was bitter, bitchy, insecure, competitive and in desperate need of attention. Yet, she’s thought of as this kind, generous, truthful woman who has her shit together (I beg to differ). The fakeness, the lying to her public as it were, bothered me, as did the lying to her friends.

Then there are the online cliques. You know, groups of us whose names are always together. The thing is, people who are grouped together in this way, all start talking alike. Their personalities melt together. If one doesn’t talk the right way or has a disagreement with another one, the whole clique will ostracize that one person. You have to lie, watch what you say, be careful and kiss ass to remain in the cool kids group. I couldn’t take that anymore. I couldn’t take having to change who I am to fit into some group � especially a group that is so internally mean, insecure and damaging. Oh, you�d be surprised who they are.

People who write books and give workshops on how to become yourself yet take their royalties to get boob jobs and nose jobs bug me. How can they keep lying to themselves and their readers? What�s with all this lying?

I just didn’t want to lie. I didn’t want to write some happy book just to sell it, just to get people to buy it, just to be some author. That’s not my goal. Being famous, not my goal, being well liked, not my goal. My goal? Is to have one hell of a life and enjoy it all. That�s it. And for the last year I haven’t been doing that. Instead, I’ve been watching so much drama unfold in the creative world that it’s made me be anything but.

When you work alone, strange things become important -like the web, email, and who’s doing what. Personally, that felt very strange and retarded. It bugged me to see all the blogs of people not telling the truth, trying to sound smart, trying to sound put together (and I know these people personally and know that they�re writing what they think they should write as not to offend people) and it bugged me to see people buying into it. You know, the minions, the groupies, the fans. People who post comments on all the cool kids blogs, wanting to be noticed, wanting to offer support, wanting something from people who really don’t have anything to give. It becomes a sick cycle. That’s a huge reason why I never had comments on here – I don’t want to feed people or be fed by people�’s reactions. I don’t read press about myself, I don’t read comments about myself and for the longest while, I haven�t been reading email. I don’t want my opinion to come from others – good or bad. I’ve seen what happens when people work that way, and it�s very trapping.

Oh, I’m guilty of parts of this at times. I’m no angel and frankly, when you’re in something that works a certain way, it’s really hard to be the one to stand out. It’s actually really lonely and at times painful. People don’t want to mix with you, be friends with you, support you. So you keep your head down and your opinions to yourself.

I wanted my voice and freedom back. And to do that I felt I had to give up what I was in. I had to stop being a creative poster child, stop being part of a clique, stop seeing the inside dish of the creative community, stop knowing what was going on with people, stop being afraid, stop pursuing the road I was one and just give it all up.

Now that I don�t have to worry about making books, writing articles, keeping up with the Jones-s, life�s become a little bit easier and a lot more fun. I have freedom for the first time in a long time. Despite still not being sure how to move into a new direction, unsure of how to pursue my next dream, of still having fear, I have hope and calm – something that-s been missing for a long time. Too long.

If I could offer one thing to anyone else trying to go the road I did it would be to listen less to others and more to yourself. Don-t get caught up in the hype of who others are and what they have. No one is perfect and every story has editing. No one has all the answers and no one has it all together. Some can just make others believe this but they shouldn’t. It’s not fair, I don’t think.

For me, I knew that I could easily have said yes to indulging in a celebrity lifestyle. There are 90,000 hits a day to my sites, there were big name magazines offering me huge deals, there were tours and speaking engagements I could have made but I chose not to because that’s not me. That’s not what I got into this for. I didn’t want to be a personality, a something. I wanted to be a girl doing what she loves to do � and being something else wasn’t that.

A lot of people think I’m crazy for this because, as they say, if that’s the way it is, why not just do it? Why not take the money, the fame, the gigs? Oh, I know a billion others who could and, if they’re truthful about it, then good for them. But I don’t want to pretend or lie to anyone – especially myself. Because then you have to keep doing that and at the end of the day, you feel like shit because you don’t know who you are and what you’re doing. You feel like a loser because your real self isn’t good enough and you don’t want to disappoint others. You have to perpetuate the myth, the lies, the same old ideas because you’re trapped.

And like Anais Nin, I believe you’re never trapped unless you choose to be. And I’m choosing not to be by stopping it all now, and pursuing other things my way. And writing when I feel like it and not because I’m supposed to.

It doesn’t, however, centre around writing.

That’s because my dream has evolved. It happened awhile ago but I’ve been in a slight bit of denial about I because I used to think writing was it. I used to think all I should do was be a writer – after all, hadn’t I built a reputation on that? Isn’t everyone always telling you to find one thing you’re good at and do that for the rest of your life?

But last year I worked as a stand-in on a big NBC movie where my days began at 7AM and ended no earlier than 3AM. It was freezing cold and there was a lot of waiting involved but I loved every minute of it. I have no ambitions to be an actress but I loved being around other creative people. I loved being around buzz. The life of a writer is very solitary and, although I am a quiet and shy soul who adores her private time, I like to be around others when I choose.

During the time of the movie I didn’t write at all, instead I just worked on the film and photographed a lot. These photographs were shared with people who told me they needed them for their book, magazine or wall. You�re kidding, was my first response, you want art from a writer? But I gave into them just the same.

Later on I started to get more requests for my artwork from magazine editors to book publishers. I had requests to work on another movie (which, I had to turn down due to a travel conflict) and requests for more design consultation. I found myself feeling occupied, happy, and energetic. I hadn’t felt energetic in a long time. In fact, nothing ever wears me out more than writing.

I knew that I wanted to keep writing, especially my travel writing, but I wanted more. Exactly what I wasn’t sure but I knew there was something bigger yet for me to do. I started to see writing less as a career for life and more as a very safe and good stepping stone. Part of the scenery on a very, long creative road.

It�s felt very scary, strange, and selfish to admit that. Sometimes it’s even felt just wrong. The fear of pursuing another dream is the exact same fear I had when I first thought about pursuing writing; when I had no idea what I would do, I just knew I had to do something.

The past two weeks, I’ve become braver about declaring my other ambitions, even if they’re not entirely formed and if only to myself. Once I started to admit these ideas I noticed synchronicities popping up all over.

I had to test if these synchronicities were real or just coincidences that had no meaning. (I find when I want something and am near to getting it, I keep trying to find reasons why it won’t happen as a way to protect me from getting my hopes up. I’m a hopes up kind of girl and can often crash very hard.)

So the other morning I asked outloud, “It seems so complicated. How should I know if I should move forward with my new dream?”

I left the room and headed to my office to check my email and noticed there was an e-card from my dear friend, Summer Pierre. She has sent a card that was written by my other friend, Keri Smith, and the card was:

I sat there for a moment, digesting a very large permission slip. And at that moment, I knew I could move forward. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have a perfectly formed new dream but I am a creative girl who wants to live creatively in all it’s forms – writing or otherwise.

People often think that living creatively gets easier – it doesn’t. Nothing stays the same, especially you. The last three years has brought so much change, so much clarity, so much confidence that I’m busting out of my current seams. I need to make a new outfit and that, I’m learning, isn’t just OK, it’s expected.

After sitting with this for awhile, I started to tare away at all the excuses I had been giving myself as to why I couldn’t go to the next level. I started to examine my fears and work through them. I started to cut out all the BS and make everything simple. It’s a lot easier to move freely when things are simple.

I also realised that the last few entries I had been writing about listening to your heart and pursuing things wasn’t really written for others – it was written by my heart for me.

Exactly where I’ll go from here I’m not sure. A dream isn’t instantaneous. You might have an inkling at first but the dream will develop and take on a life of it’s own – I learned this the first time. I also learned to just enjoy the ride and not make demands on the dream to hurry up. One should never rush a dream.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to write, to paint, to photograph and design. What else? I’m not sure. And right now, I don’t need to be. I just need to trust in the possibility of a dream like I did before.