May 25, 2002
There’s an old saying that you’ll be tested over and over on an issue until you have it resolved, and the test will never be the same.
After successfully pulling my head out of my arse a couple of weeks ago, work has been extremely busy.. I’ve managed to get my priorities in gear, work hard, enjoy myself and move forward. Launching my travel website has been the number one job for me because that’s the direction I want to move in and so I’ve been quite happily working on the launch of that site.
So when a friend of mine asked me last week about my book proposal I had sent last month, it took me just slightly off guard. I hadn’t thought about my book since I mailed it off because I had to continue to move forward rather than wait and see what would happen with that. I also wanted to focus my thoughts on positive things and not something that might fail.
However we ended up talking a little about the book and she offered some help – of which I accepted. I began to think how everything was coming together now – the travel writing, another article coming out, contacting paying magazines and now a book possibly getting published. I started to feel like finally I was making things happen.
Then, today, it came. I opened up the mailbox and the big package fell out and instantly I knew my first attempt at landing an agent had not worked.
At first, I wasn’t that upset. In some ways, I had prepared to be rejected and made a backup plan just in case. Also, since it was my first attempt at writing a proposal, I knew I was a bit shaky on it and that it might not be up to par. So when I received my rejection packet, it wasn’t such a shock.
But after awhile, it started to sink in that something I really believed in, wasn’t getting somewhere.
I started to question myself all over again. I wondered how do I make it better, can I really sell this book, can I really write, is there a market and on an on. I went to bed exhausted from all the thinking I’d done on how much I sucked. This was especially hard because I had just pulled myself out of a slump and had just begun to feel like I didn’t suck but here I was, slowly slipping away again.
When I woke up in the morning, I felt better. I had slept off all the insecurity and my mind was clear and I thought about the two different reactions I had about my proposal being rejected yesterday.
My first reaction wasn’t that I was a loser, but in fact a pretty good writer with possibilities and this one just happened not to work out. It was only after over analysing things and putting too much though did I begin to lose my confidence in all that I had accomplished thus far.
Sometimes it’s so easy to get discouraged. It’s easier to think that we’re horrible than talented for some strange reason, but the truth is, more often than not, we all kick ass. It’s just remembering that that is difficult.
But I did remember. I thought about all the momentum I’m currently building, the new projects in the works and exciting possibilities that are opening up. And I decided to stick with my first reaction of being rejected by the agent, which was that perhaps she wasn’t the right one for me and that my proposal did in fact need work. I chose not to think that I wasn’t cut out to be a writer, because I know I am.
It wasn’t until later on I realised that I had been through this predicament before – receiving rejection or a negative comment. The difference was that each time before I let it get to me and took a million steps back. I ignored all the positive things I had done and heard. However, this time I was finally able to stay moving forward despite an obstacle.
I finally passed the test.
May 24, 2002
If someone told me at the beginning that working from home would be one of my biggest challenges as a freelance writer, I would have given them a look like they were crazy.
Before I worked from home, I despised having to get up at an hour that didn’t suit me, put on clothes that made me uncomfortable, commute for two hours on public transportation and sit under cold blinking lights and an impersonal desk with co-workers interrupting me every 5 minutes. During that time, all I could think of was how wonderful it would be to work at home, in comfy clothes, with my own hours, stocked fridge and silence.
I was wrong.
After over a year of working from home, I’m still making adjustments.
The hardest part for me has been the loneliness. Despite the fact that I love to work in solitude, the constant isolation is wearing in on me. I used to have the Docent Class once a week that at least kept me social but I quit that program three weeks ago and have as yet to replace it. Chris goes to work at 8AM and comes home from school at 10PM, weekends he’s studying. The social interaction there is minimal. Friends are busy working during the day and too tired to do anything at night. The once constant jabbering at the office is now something I miss – I actually chatted with the UPS guy the other day.
Having my office in my flat, with no separate door has also been a challenge. It’s been hard to shut off work and begin to relax. Sometimes it’s hard to sit and write when I see the dirty dishes piling up in the sink.
In the beginning I was excited about wearing “pretty clothes” during the day – pink skirts, peasant blouses and jeans. When people used to ask if I worked in pyjamas I’d quickly tell them I wouldn’t ever fall in to that stereo type. That is until I found cute Banana Republic pyjama tops and bottoms.
Being on my own with no one to collaborate or break for coffee with, having the office and home as one and sitting in pajamas all day had begun to take it’s toll. So I began to change what I could.
The first thing I did was head to Ikea where $25 bought me a Click for Full Size. (Actual desk on other side)brilliant little three panel room divider. Just placing this next to my desk instantly made me feel like I had an office. It created a room but kept the light in. No longer can I see the dirty dishes in the sink! Perfect.
By creating a separate office, I now feel like I have an office to go to. In the morning after yoga and breakfast, I wash up, put on non-pajama clothes and head to my office where I sit and work on whatever I can. Breaking for tea now is actually breaking. I stop, leave the office, relax and just let my mind go.
The only thing I haven’t figured out yet is how to deal with the isolation part. I am thinking of finding another volunteer organisation or even just a once a week yoga class to get out and be amongst people. I need to do something or else I’m not only going to drive myself mad, but also the cat and husband as well.
May 15, 2002
I went to the doctor for my annual check up. She asked me routine questions and when I answered yes to “Do you have mood swings” a red light went off inside her. I assured her it wasn’t anything serious and when she asked me how I knew I replied, “I’m a writer. One day I feel absolutely brilliant, the next day I wonder why I even bother at all.” Luckily, she understood.
Being a creative person, and trying to make your living as such can be a lot of pressure. For as wonderful as it is to be your own boss, have your hours and do the work you want, it also has a lot of down points that sometimes leave me flailing my limbs on the floor.
When I sat in my cubicle a year ago, I imagined a creative life full of joy-filled days with numerous tea breaks, pink cupcakes, happy-thoughts, freedom and everything else one imagines when the grass is greener. And although it is sometimes fabulous, sometimes it’s just really hard.
The only difference between now and then is that the hair-pulling moments are now worth it.
May 06, 2002
I have been in the midst of launching my travel portfolio for the past eight months. I keep pushing the date farther and farther away because as of yet, there hasn’t been one article written. Well, on paper anyway.
In my head I’ve had all these fantastic ideas, but when I try to sit down and write them, I’m overloaded; I have no idea where to start.
Should I write big articles on specific places, should it be in story format, would I do tips and information, will it be first or third person? All these question combined with all the travel I’ve done left me with little idea of how to proceed with my travel website.
My lack of direction with writing has been something I’ve been working hard on trying to correct. With ideas constantly swarming around in my brain, trying to pick one, make sense of it and publish it is quite a daunting task. It’s literally been freaking me out and stopped me from writing as much as I could. So I started with what I could do – design the actual travel website.
As soon as I began to make the site real, I began to have an understanding of what I wanted to do with the site and what I could write about. With each new step of the design process, I figured out more and more the direction I was going with this portfolio. And after several hours, I had it figured out.
Although the design isn’t finished and there’s much to tweak, the general idea is there. And because of that I was able to finally write some articles – 3 so far.
Learning how to take an idea and make it real is a very hard thing for me to do because there is so much in my brain that I never know what should, and shouldn’t manifest itself into something concrete. I’m learning however, to weed out things that are just there because I’m creative and what I can actually use.
Figuring that out is helping me to not feel so overwhelmed and actually get things done.
May 02, 2002
Learning to accept my voice has been a struggle, especially amongst the volumes of others.
When I talk to people, my wit comes out and it’s terribly wicked, however when I write the sass never comes out. I have a great vocabulary but my writing tends to lack big words. I could win a round or two in Jeopardy, but I leave out lots of facts when I write.
Compared to all the writing I’ve read, I began to think I was in trouble for having the kind of style that I did. I started to think that I needed to put in some hip, sassy sayings and mix it with a big word or two that described some interesting fact. If I didn’t do that, I thought, my writing just might not cut it.
So I tried, and I tried. And the more I tried, the more I realised my writing sounded like I was trying. It also sounded a lot like other people.
I’ve come to realise that the world is full of sassy, hip, witty writers and writers filled with facts and figures and bigger words than skyscrapers. And that’s perfectly fine.
My voice is smaller, simpler and a little closer to the ground. I write so that anyone will understand it, and get any meaning they can and sometimes, just enjoy what I’ve written.
Sometimes it’s scary to be comfortable with my voice when I hear others’, but it’s mine and it’s the only one I have. So I might as well learn to shout.
April 25, 2002
Between the surgery, the illness, the vacation, the high school reunion committee, the docent class, and the husband, there hasn’t been much time for writing the last few months.
I find it really absurd to say that, and almost embarrassed to admit it. I the girl who screams that people won’t leave me alone, have found that I’ve been spending more time doing other things than writing, despite the fact that writing is supposed to be my job.
I’ve kept telling myself that after April 27th I’ll get back to writing full time because I know that to be a successful freelancer you have to put in over 60 hours a week of actual writing. Yet because of that time stamp, I’ve also allowed myself to slack tremendously with regards to beginning or finishing any piece of writing.
There are so many day entries yet not completed, the portfolio to update, the travel writing to finish, the newsletter to write, the magazines to query, the book to finish. So much work yet I’ve ignored it all for the most part.
If I were in a corporate job, I doubt I could have taken such an extended vacation or called in sick, yet I’ve allowed myself to do things that have taken away from my job as a writer. That weren’t silly things, they were all important and some unavoidable, but they overtook me. I just didn’t make time to write.
Nothing hit me so clear as when I picked up a copy of The Writer Magazine today, and it featured a big article on how to freelance successfully. It also had a quiz and one of the questions asked was are you willing to put in the time. My answer is yes, although I have had a funny way of showing it.
A lot of email I get is from people who are in 9-5 jobs who wish they could write. I tell them to write whenever they can, between lunch breaks, before dinner or at midnight if they have to. Never forget to write, don’t forget your passion.
I think I need to take my own advice.
Elsewhere