April 08, 2002
One year ago I made the biggest, hardest and best decision of my life – to quit my corporate job and become a full time freelance writer.
The day I decided to be a writer full-time, I was filled was with mixed feelings. I was both terribly excited and afraid beyond belief. I knew that by working on my own terms things would be different but I had never done that before and was unsure of the correct way to do it.
I read every book on how to be a writer, because my fear of doing it wrong was my biggest concern. I felt because I had declared so loudly that I was going to be a writer, failing at it terrified me to death. It wasn’t until eight months later I began to get over most of my fears while learning how to just accept the others.
When I started, being published meant everything to me. I thought if my name was in print that every fear or concern I had would vanish – I would be a bonafied writer if I were to appear in a magazine. When it happened, nothing changed. I realised that outside validation doesn’t count if you don’t give it to yourself first.
I also thought in the beginning that because writing was my passion, work would be easy and blissful. The truth is, is that it’s the most work I’ve ever done in my life. Instead of clocking exactly 40 hours a week, I was putting in 60, 70 and sometimes 80. I enjoyed working so much that I would forget to tell myself to take a break. It took me a very long time to learn how to take guilt free time off and realise that I’m only human.
At first, I thought it was just about me becoming a writer, but looking back over the past year I realise that’s the farthest thing. It has been about becoming me.
Now, I’m creative and able to use the word creative without cringing. After being a scared and quiet artist for years who thought everyone was better than her, I am now selling art and working at an Art Museum. I’m excited about the possibility of each day, because I get to decide what I want to do.
Despite struggles and frustrations, I have continued to move forward. I have overcome fears, self-doubt and roadblocks to carve a niche for myself that does something. I have made some amazing friends and contacts. I have published words that have affected people deeply. I have earned respect from those I admire. I have finally been able to define what success is, and it’s not the same definition I had a year ago. Being happy, liking who I am, doing what I want to do, and making a difference in other people’s lives makes me feel completely successful each and every day.
Feeling comfortable with who I am and what I’m doing didn’t happen over night but rather almost a year. In the beginning I was filled with so much self doubt that I often wondered if I was on the right track because I didn’t know how to trust myself enough to know that it was. I was insecure with my writing and didn’t attempt to get much published for fear of rejection when in fact, rejection is only how I learned. I used to try so hard to be an image that I continuously failed at being myself and it wasn’t until I stopped doing that did I begin to succeed both personally and professionally.
I expected to have it all figured out within a couple of months and when I didn’t, I panicked. I forgot to remember that it wasn’t just about writing, it was about trusting myself and sometimes it takes time to figure that all out. Looking back now, I don’t see how it could have taken less than a year, and feel comforted when I realise that most new business take three to five years to start making a profit.
I haven’t figured it all out yet by any means, and I’m not and never will be a finished project. That’s one thing I’ve learned is that there isn’t one place to get to or a levelling off place where you feel like you’ve done it all. My writing and I will always be a work in progress and although that sometimes still terrifies me, it’s also the most exciting part of my life. It’s also the most meaningful because I have made a conscious choice to do this.
A year ago I did the hardest thing imaginable – I acted for myself. I made myself responsible for my own happiness, my own lifestyle and my own dream. I took my passion and turned it into a profession that I wouldn’t want to quit.
April 03, 2002
I’ve been structuring myself a lot these past weeks. Not with regiments and routines that don’t work, but organising myself in a way that is proving vital.
I currently have so many projects happening that I was beginning to be swamped by them all. I have this website to update and keep fresh, and emails galore to respond to. I have the Another Girl at Play site where I also have emails to respond to, sites to review, PR to do, a newsletter to write and profiles to update. I also have my writing, which currently involves my book proposal, articles to write and some other small projects. On top there is my Docent Class for which I have to write a project and participate in the weekly classes and keep up with all that. That’s a lot for one person, one brain and only 24 hours each day.
So I created a plan to keep my sanity.
The first thing I did was set aside certain days for certain tasks.
Mondays are my email days where I respond to all personal emails, site feedbacks and site submissions on this day only. That way I don’t feel guilty if email stacks up during the week because I know I’ve set aside time each Monday to deal with it. It also saves me from having to worry about it during the week or catching up when I should be writing an article. I’ve also set up auto responders and numerous email addresses to distinguish between whose who.
Fridays are my marketing/promotional days and this is when I work on selling my work, marketing myself and my sites, catch up on business emails that weren’t urgent, update the sites and so on.
I’m also learning to prioritise which is something I didn’t think I had to learn since at my corporate job this was one skill I was constantly complimented on. But with so much going on, and so many things I truly believe are important, I have to really get honest with myself and say what I can do now, what I can do later, and what I can’t do at all. It’s sometimes boils down to me having to be rather harsh and forgoing things I’d like to do, because the reality is, I ain’t Superwoman.
By doing just those few things, I’ve been able to keep my head above water. I can take care of business while still creating and having minimum stress. That is crucial right now because I have the energy, the drive, the passion and the talent to make something of myself and the only thing that could stop me is my own disorganised self.
March 25, 2002
For the first time in over a year, I read a book for the pure joy of reading.
It had nothing with how to sell articles, grammar, writing structure, book proposals, marketing, design, inspiration, creativity or writing.
In fact, it was a book about whaling and it was read in less than a day.
I used to read extensively for enjoyment but since my official launch as a writer I instead began to use books as study and work tools. I thought if they didn’t benefit me by helping me learn how to be a better writer, than I wouldn’t read it. My once varied book collection became a whose who of creative self-help books and reading became a chore rather than a joy.
It came to the point where I started to actually loathe reading altogether. The self-help books on writing had become repetitive and rather than inspiring me, they bored me. That’s when I picked up a copy of In the Heart of the Sea and read it straight through, without even stopping for lunch.
My brain enjoyed the break, of being taken someplace different than a writer’s life. I was relaxed after, content and I think there was even a smile on my face. I had enjoyed reading! It was such a big deal because it had been so long since I had read a piece of non-fiction that I forgot how much I enjoyed it. Something I’ll remind myself often by reading more and more of it.
I’ve always wanted to be a varied writer, with no special area of interest. However, if I just kept reading on how to be a writer, I don’t think my writing would ever really improve. Instead, it would work itself into a pattern and would fall into one category – a self-help writer.
I don’t want that to happen so I’m going to get back into reading. It’s not only essential for my career, but for my own, selfish enjoyment.
March 24, 2002
During my stint in Corporate America, I frequently took vacations. As soon as I came home from one I’d start planning another. Sometimes they were just quick weekend get aways and sometimes they were two-week holidays somewhere warm. It seemed like every couple of months I was going somewhere.
However, since I’ve been working on my own, I haven’t even taken an overnight trip. Everything’s been work and taking time away from it would leave me feeling guilty – as though I hadn’t earned the right to take a holiday.
But I realised that everyone needs a break, especially me. Sometimes I tend to discard all my work because I haven’t been paid or there’s no exact way to monitor what I’m doing. However I have put so much effort into this, racking my brain day and night, making sacrifices, learning about myself and my business, that I figured it’s time to take a break.
I planned a five-day getaway to San Francisco. It had warmth, sun, art, relaxing streets and good friends. I planned the days so we’d be doing some things and sometimes doing nothing at all. And I promised myself that if we weren’t doing anything more than taking an afternoon nap in the hotel that I’d enjoy it, guilt free. I had earned time off and I had to make the best of it.
I began to make hotel reservations and after I did something clicked in my head. I’m a travel writer! So I emailed the sales and market department of the hotel, told them who I was and requested a media package. Four days later, I had one.
When I received this package I felt giddy. For the first time I honestly felt like a travel writer. I read through the information and became completely excited. Then I became confused. I had told myself it wouldn’t be a work trip, but now it was looking like that wouldn’t be the case. If I were a travel writer, wouldn’t I have to write about the hotel while I’m there? Wouldn’t I have to pay extra attention to all the details and carry a pocketbook around to note everything I saw?
I also began to worry that if I didn’t do that, the hotel would find me out. They would say, “Aha! You’re not a travel writer! We’d like our media package back please!”
Up until the day of travel I was nervous about how to combine the work with pleasure, unsure if it could be done. Especially since I’m still learning how to balance.
But once I hit the San Francisco sun, there were no worries. I relaxed, I smiled, I giggled and most of all, I enjoyed myself.
We spent the first few days driving around different places, staying with family and friends. I was able to relax so much and rest my brain, I actually noticed more than usual. And more importantly, what I noticed actually stuck in my brain.
When we arrived at our hotel in San Francisco, I became nervous. Did I look like a travel writer? Did I talk like a travel writer? Because although I’ve been working on my travel portfolio and have been writing articles that I will soon send out, I have to be officially published as a travel writer. I began to fear they’d think I was lying and ask me to leave the hotel.
But they didn’t. I even was upgraded.
I continued to relax and enjoy my trip. The more I relaxed the more I noticed and the more I actually remembered. Instead of stressing out over every detail, I enjoyed it. It was the first time in a long time that I had private thoughts and didn’t worry about putting them in an article.
I had new experiences that refreshed my mind and reenergised my creativity. I got to be Alex for five days instead of Alex the writer and that felt really good.
When I returned home, I was excited to get back to work. Instead of planning for the next vacation, I eagerly began to write about the one I just had. Even though I hadn’t taken one single note, I remembered even the smallest details of the room, the food and the whole city. I especially remembered how I felt, and that’s probably the best memory of all.
This trip helped me to realise that I do need a break every now and then, just like everyone else. It also helped me to realise that travel writing is really what I want to do, and will be good at. I love to travel, I love to notice things, and I love to encourage others to take time out and visit some place new – even if it’s just encouraging myself.
The old saying is to do what you love to do and figure out how to get paid for it. I figure I’ve spent enough of my years travelling for free that it’s now time to make some money at it. And I really believe that I can do that now, because I’m at the stage where I can enjoy the work side and the personal side. And that’s the trick I had to learn and finally did.
March 15, 2002
I did it again; I waited until the last moment.
There was an article deadline for March 15th and although I had begun the article a couple of weeks ago, I really only worked on it yesterday. I was really proud of myself on how hard I actually worked on the article – the editing, the rewriting, making it truthful, making it flow. But after a full day of working on the article, something was still missing and I had run out of steam to figure out what it was.
I decided to just let it sit on the computer and come back to it later on. But later on I ended up having class and then came home more tired than before. Needless to say, I didn’t work on the article.
The next day, I woke up and almost immediately began to work on the article again. I had both the fear of missing the deadline (since it had to be post marked today) and the anger that I had waited until the last minute. With all this tension going on in my brain, I wasn’t writing well. The writing was jumpy, scattered, and hostile. My emotions were of course coming across the page, and I had to figure out how to change my attitude.
I felt that I couldn’t change the fact that today was March 15th and my article was due. All I could do was to know better next time. I got over myself and finished the article, satisfied with both what I’d written and myself.
The next task was to get it to the post office. It was so windy the rain was coming down sideways, it was definitely mitten weather, the post office was over two miles away and I didn’t have a car. As the wind howled through my flat, I debated whether or not I should attempt going out into such nastiness.
Then I asked myself how much the article meant to me.
A lot, I decided. I had worked hard on it, I liked it, and I thought it had a good chance of getting published. Was I going to let some weather keep me from following through? No, I decided, that’s one of the stupidest reasons to fail yet.
I bundled up into a million layers and headed to the post office. At the counter I handed my envelope to the clerk and asked her if it would be post marked today.
“Yes,” she said, “you just made it.”
Yes I did, I thought, smiling.
March 11, 2002
I’m still learning my boundaries.
Because I work at home, most people still tend to assume that equals bunches of free time for me.
When I left my morning docent class for my evening one, everyone assumed it was because of a bus conflict. The truth is, I write better during the day and having to go to a day class was like me missing part of my work.
Others assume that I don’t have distractions working from home – no co-workers to pester me, no children to worry about. The truth is I have a lot of distractions such as being able to see the messy flat all the time, having people call me during the day to “chat” since I’m “free.” And if I’m not careful, doing dishes will seem far more important than writing an article.
Since I create my own schedule, people think that I can work 24hours a day and I admit to being guilty of this sometimes too. Currently, instead of just writing, I am running several high profile websites, doing PR work for some of them, planning my high school reunion, planning two major trips while maintaining the household expenses, bills & grocery list.
That’s a lot. And I’m not even an overachiever or a workaholic.
I think part of it is just what people perceive me to be doing and how much I buy into it. Although I know I’m busy with writing, I tend to think that because I control my own time, I can be more than flexible with my hours instead of just saying, “No, actually, I have work to do.”
I’m getting better, slowly. Monday through Friday I work during the day and save chores, errands and catching up for after dinner or the weekends. I’ve designated Friday’s to marketing days and Monday’s to catching up with email days.
I see now why people have assistants.