Just doing my thing.
I’m often asked what I’m up to; what things I’m working on, what projects are happening , where my words are published and where my photographs are showing. For the last couple of years I’ve taken to not discussing this generally and instead, just doing it. In the beginning I found it important to voice everything I did – part pride, part disbelief, part reassurance. But then I decided I didn’t need to do this and that the pressure to “perform” or “prove myself” had become too much and unnecessary.
So instead of sharing every detail of my work, I quietly went about my own business and let it flourish without the spotlight. Chances are if you’ve picked up a major travel magazine or read the travel section of any US or Canadian newspaper you’ve seen my work. My photographs have been in galleries from London to Vancouver and my artwork has been in stores and on book covers. I’ve been working on major movie sets doing everything from stand-in work to production coordination. Despite being quiet on the web, I’ve been living loudly, happily, and successfully. In fact, I’ve been more productive, more creative and more successful since becoming private about my work – probably due to the fact that instead of taking time to write about it, question it and over think it with a blog-thought, I was just all action.
A couple of years ago I stopped reading artists blogs, books, websites, creative ideas and trying to validate everything. I just did what I wanted and what worked and let everything fall as it may. Although one can find inspiration from others and their work, I think it’s more important to just do the work you’re capable of without judging it or comparing it to where others are. You shouldn’t be keeping a scorecard or trying to prove something to an audience.
Art is about expressing what’s in you without judgment and ego. For me, that means to do anything and everything that pops into my head, continue making a great living at it, enjoying all the great bits and messy ones but never having to explain what it is I do. That freedom is what allows me to keep moving forward and working every step of the way.
July 17, 2004
I just feel the need to say one simple thing: I am just a girl who one day woke up and decided she had had enough of the life she didn’t love and decided to change that. That’s all.
It wasn’t money that got me to where I am, it wasn’t years of education, contacts, superpowers, conferences, or books. What got me to where I am is the simple act of making a decision and following through no matter what.
It is possible. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. And don’t ever buy into the sales pitch that it only happens to others, that you have to buy their books, do it their way, mimic their life, have to have their hair, clothes, connections. All you need is you and the ability to say, “Today, I am going to do what I need to do – however it needs to be done, in any way I can, and for as long as it takes. I will.”
June 26, 2004
I’ve been entertaining the idea of writing just a little; I still like to write about travel and spas with hopes of sharing my experience so that someone can create their own. When I thought about writing an article on a recent spa trip it felt like I was catching up with an old friend, and I discovered I wasn’t quite ready to let her go. I realised I enjoy writing as a special guest and not as a permanent housemate. I can�t write as a career anymore because I don�t like the pressure, the isolation and I don’t really like the “creative community” as it were. I want to write when I feel like it, on the side, but pursue my other dreams full on.
I’ll not be doing anymore design either. If I choose to redo a website for myself or paint up a project because I’m moved to one afternoon, that one thing but to do it for others � no. No more. I want to enjoy my creativity in a very selfish, hobby kind of way and not as a way of making a living anymore. It was overwhelming to deal with so many requests every day, trying to please everyone, doing for the sake of doing, being a part of inauthentic groups, feeling like I had to keep parts of myself quiet so as not to offend. No, I�m done with that.
When I first began to write, I thought I would have loved to be where I am right now but now, I really am retreating from myself and where I’ve been placed. This perhaps sounds odd and people often question why now, at the “height” as it were, when my name is out there and people are begging me to work with them, that I would turn it all away.
What I’ve learned is that a lot of people do a lot of things for the wrong reasons. So much lying, deceit, backstabbing, inauthentic behaviour, well, I didn’t bargain for this. I tried to accept all that and just do my thing in spite but it really affected me. It bothers me to see people writing books on being supportive, on making dreams real, on living out loud but then to see the real side of them � the side you get to see when you�re a friend, a peer, a speaking partner. It’s ugly.
I remember when I spoke at a conference and one woman, who so wants to be famous, was to speak as well on all her muses. She didn’t like me. For whatever reason, she hated me. And she sat right in the front row of my speech with a scowl on her face the whole time to prove it. Yet, her book is about creativity, helping each other, being kind. This woman was really, anything but.
I once I dished with a friend over cheesecake and Thai rolls about creativity, my beliefs and what I’d do. She went and made a book about it and stopped talking to me. This didn’t really surprise me because this woman was deeply flawed – and I don’t mean in a juicy way. She was bitter, bitchy, insecure, competitive and in desperate need of attention. Yet, she’s thought of as this kind, generous, truthful woman who has her shit together (I beg to differ). The fakeness, the lying to her public as it were, bothered me, as did the lying to her friends.
Then there are the online cliques. You know, groups of us whose names are always together. The thing is, people who are grouped together in this way, all start talking alike. Their personalities melt together. If one doesn’t talk the right way or has a disagreement with another one, the whole clique will ostracize that one person. You have to lie, watch what you say, be careful and kiss ass to remain in the cool kids group. I couldn’t take that anymore. I couldn’t take having to change who I am to fit into some group � especially a group that is so internally mean, insecure and damaging. Oh, you�d be surprised who they are.
People who write books and give workshops on how to become yourself yet take their royalties to get boob jobs and nose jobs bug me. How can they keep lying to themselves and their readers? What�s with all this lying?
I just didn’t want to lie. I didn’t want to write some happy book just to sell it, just to get people to buy it, just to be some author. That’s not my goal. Being famous, not my goal, being well liked, not my goal. My goal? Is to have one hell of a life and enjoy it all. That�s it. And for the last year I haven’t been doing that. Instead, I’ve been watching so much drama unfold in the creative world that it’s made me be anything but.
When you work alone, strange things become important -like the web, email, and who’s doing what. Personally, that felt very strange and retarded. It bugged me to see all the blogs of people not telling the truth, trying to sound smart, trying to sound put together (and I know these people personally and know that they�re writing what they think they should write as not to offend people) and it bugged me to see people buying into it. You know, the minions, the groupies, the fans. People who post comments on all the cool kids blogs, wanting to be noticed, wanting to offer support, wanting something from people who really don’t have anything to give. It becomes a sick cycle. That’s a huge reason why I never had comments on here – I don’t want to feed people or be fed by people�’s reactions. I don’t read press about myself, I don’t read comments about myself and for the longest while, I haven�t been reading email. I don’t want my opinion to come from others – good or bad. I’ve seen what happens when people work that way, and it�s very trapping.
Oh, I’m guilty of parts of this at times. I’m no angel and frankly, when you’re in something that works a certain way, it’s really hard to be the one to stand out. It’s actually really lonely and at times painful. People don’t want to mix with you, be friends with you, support you. So you keep your head down and your opinions to yourself.
I wanted my voice and freedom back. And to do that I felt I had to give up what I was in. I had to stop being a creative poster child, stop being part of a clique, stop seeing the inside dish of the creative community, stop knowing what was going on with people, stop being afraid, stop pursuing the road I was one and just give it all up.
Now that I don�t have to worry about making books, writing articles, keeping up with the Jones-s, life�s become a little bit easier and a lot more fun. I have freedom for the first time in a long time. Despite still not being sure how to move into a new direction, unsure of how to pursue my next dream, of still having fear, I have hope and calm – something that-s been missing for a long time. Too long.
If I could offer one thing to anyone else trying to go the road I did it would be to listen less to others and more to yourself. Don-t get caught up in the hype of who others are and what they have. No one is perfect and every story has editing. No one has all the answers and no one has it all together. Some can just make others believe this but they shouldn’t. It’s not fair, I don’t think.
For me, I knew that I could easily have said yes to indulging in a celebrity lifestyle. There are 90,000 hits a day to my sites, there were big name magazines offering me huge deals, there were tours and speaking engagements I could have made but I chose not to because that’s not me. That’s not what I got into this for. I didn’t want to be a personality, a something. I wanted to be a girl doing what she loves to do � and being something else wasn’t that.
A lot of people think I’m crazy for this because, as they say, if that’s the way it is, why not just do it? Why not take the money, the fame, the gigs? Oh, I know a billion others who could and, if they’re truthful about it, then good for them. But I don’t want to pretend or lie to anyone – especially myself. Because then you have to keep doing that and at the end of the day, you feel like shit because you don’t know who you are and what you’re doing. You feel like a loser because your real self isn’t good enough and you don’t want to disappoint others. You have to perpetuate the myth, the lies, the same old ideas because you’re trapped.
And like Anais Nin, I believe you’re never trapped unless you choose to be. And I’m choosing not to be by stopping it all now, and pursuing other things my way. And writing when I feel like it and not because I’m supposed to.
May 14, 2004
The last couple of months I’ve been very busy with work. Looking at my schedule for the rest of the year I see it doesn’t let up anytime soon. Most of the work centres around photography, designing some sites, graphic work for books and magazines, and a few other odds and ends.
It doesn’t, however, centre around writing.
That’s because my dream has evolved. It happened awhile ago but I’ve been in a slight bit of denial about I because I used to think writing was it. I used to think all I should do was be a writer – after all, hadn’t I built a reputation on that? Isn’t everyone always telling you to find one thing you’re good at and do that for the rest of your life?
But last year I worked as a stand-in on a big NBC movie where my days began at 7AM and ended no earlier than 3AM. It was freezing cold and there was a lot of waiting involved but I loved every minute of it. I have no ambitions to be an actress but I loved being around other creative people. I loved being around buzz. The life of a writer is very solitary and, although I am a quiet and shy soul who adores her private time, I like to be around others when I choose.
During the time of the movie I didn’t write at all, instead I just worked on the film and photographed a lot. These photographs were shared with people who told me they needed them for their book, magazine or wall. You�re kidding, was my first response, you want art from a writer? But I gave into them just the same.
Later on I started to get more requests for my artwork from magazine editors to book publishers. I had requests to work on another movie (which, I had to turn down due to a travel conflict) and requests for more design consultation. I found myself feeling occupied, happy, and energetic. I hadn’t felt energetic in a long time. In fact, nothing ever wears me out more than writing.
I knew that I wanted to keep writing, especially my travel writing, but I wanted more. Exactly what I wasn’t sure but I knew there was something bigger yet for me to do. I started to see writing less as a career for life and more as a very safe and good stepping stone. Part of the scenery on a very, long creative road.
It�s felt very scary, strange, and selfish to admit that. Sometimes it’s even felt just wrong. The fear of pursuing another dream is the exact same fear I had when I first thought about pursuing writing; when I had no idea what I would do, I just knew I had to do something.
The past two weeks, I’ve become braver about declaring my other ambitions, even if they’re not entirely formed and if only to myself. Once I started to admit these ideas I noticed synchronicities popping up all over.
I had to test if these synchronicities were real or just coincidences that had no meaning. (I find when I want something and am near to getting it, I keep trying to find reasons why it won’t happen as a way to protect me from getting my hopes up. I’m a hopes up kind of girl and can often crash very hard.)
So the other morning I asked outloud, “It seems so complicated. How should I know if I should move forward with my new dream?”
I left the room and headed to my office to check my email and noticed there was an e-card from my dear friend, Summer Pierre. She has sent a card that was written by my other friend, Keri Smith, and the card was:
I sat there for a moment, digesting a very large permission slip. And at that moment, I knew I could move forward. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have a perfectly formed new dream but I am a creative girl who wants to live creatively in all it’s forms – writing or otherwise.
People often think that living creatively gets easier – it doesn’t. Nothing stays the same, especially you. The last three years has brought so much change, so much clarity, so much confidence that I’m busting out of my current seams. I need to make a new outfit and that, I’m learning, isn’t just OK, it’s expected.
After sitting with this for awhile, I started to tare away at all the excuses I had been giving myself as to why I couldn’t go to the next level. I started to examine my fears and work through them. I started to cut out all the BS and make everything simple. It’s a lot easier to move freely when things are simple.
I also realised that the last few entries I had been writing about listening to your heart and pursuing things wasn’t really written for others – it was written by my heart for me.
Exactly where I’ll go from here I’m not sure. A dream isn’t instantaneous. You might have an inkling at first but the dream will develop and take on a life of it’s own – I learned this the first time. I also learned to just enjoy the ride and not make demands on the dream to hurry up. One should never rush a dream.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to write, to paint, to photograph and design. What else? I’m not sure. And right now, I don’t need to be. I just need to trust in the possibility of a dream like I did before.
April 29, 2004
I secretly wrote an email to KEXP, one of the most fabulous radio stations ever (and it streams via the internet as well) to see if somehow, I could get permission for my husband to see Air play live in their studio today.
My email was rather cheeky though terribly sincere. It said:
To my surprise, Cheryl from the station wrote me back and said, “Come down today at 2:15.”
We were there at 2.
We sat in the recording booth with the engineer and three other people and that was it. We watched Air play but what was most interesting was all that they said. It’s my understanding that they don’t do a lot of radio interviews or performances and, when doing interview, don’t actually talk that much. But they answered all the questions with so much thought and information, that for Chris, that was the real treat because it was answers to questions he had about his own music and ways of thinking.
He wants to be in music and I think seeing this intimate performance showed him his own possibilities. It made his dream real in a way that it wasn’t before. I told him that this experience felt like the one I had at his age where I met someone who showed me my own dream and made it possible. And look where I am.
What this also taught me was that a lot of people always say, “Why don’t things like that happen to me?” but that they never ask for what they want. I asked to go to the radio station and it happened. I sometimes wonder how many more rock stars we’d have if people didn’t sit and wait for things to be handed to them.
Don’t forget to say “thanks”
I receive a lot of email and most of the time, it’s people asking for advice on making a creative dream real. Sometimes, I’m able to sit down and reply to these emails, offering my experience or pointing the person in a direction of information that might be more beneficial.
To reply to these emails generally takes a lot of time; time that’s not paid, time that’s taken away from work, from my personal life, from rest. But I do it as much as I can because I believe in trying to help others.
But lately, I’ve been less inclined to reply to people because despite answering thousands and thousands of emails over the years, I’ve probably only ever received a handful of “thank-you’s” afterwards.
Some replies I’ve given have been long and detailed, with URLS, research and lots of information. However, I never hear anything back. No thank-you, thanks for the time, this was useful this wasn’t – nothing.
That seems wrong to me.
It’s not that I’m asking for praise, money or a big woo hoo but a simple “thank-you” would be so appreciated. I find that word is lacking a lot in this culture of expectation. I think that has to change.