April 25, 2004
Thanks to spring, insomnia and a realisation, there’s a new design for the first time here at Girl at Play.
It began when I was brewing tea one rather sleepy afternoon (the time when most thoughts seem to come to me). As I was rinsing out the tea pot in the sink, I looked straight ahead at the photograph of me sitting on the Hans Christian Anderson statue in Copenhagen. I took that picture in February 2001 when I was an unhappy executive. I had just come from visiting my cousins in Odense who took me to visit Andersen’s childhood home there. Although I had read his books and poetry since childhood and knew a little of his vagabond ways, it wasn’t until that trip that I became so charmed by him and his life. I remember sitting on the statue thinking, “Oh how I wish to one day have a life like his.”
Little did I know that several months later I’d quit my job and pursue writing.
I hung that picture of him and I up on the wall to remind me of what I would one day like to become; a writer, an artist, a traveller, a speaker, a friend, an enthusiast of life and creativity and in some ways, a comfort. On most days, I’d forget about the picture hanging on my kitchen wall but I’d seldom forget what I wanted to become.
However, when I looked at that picture a couple of weeks ago, the little blond hairs on my arms raised. I realised at that moment that I had done it. I had achieved my goal of having a life like his.
I was now a writer, an artist, a travellers, a friend, an enthusiast of life and creativity and in some ways, a comfort.
Sometimes a person gets so busy being in the process that they never step back and see the results. I, on a lot of levels, still saw myself as this beginner, this girl struggling, trying, one day hoping to make it. But looking at that picture as the tea blew I realised I’m not that same girl I was three years ago; I’m so much more. It was such a surreal moment.
As I sipped my tea I began to think of all the changes that have happened and how they’ve been reflected; my flat is now filled with lots of painted walls, artwork created by me, simple furnishings, lots of flowers and a general sense of ease and happiness. My clothes are also filled with colour, lots of skirts from Anthropologie, ribbons for my hair and bright, beautiful jewellery. Gone are the corporate and stiffed bitter friends, replaced by a bunch of rock stars that inspire me and give me a good ass kicking when needed. Airline stubs clog my bags instead of corporate reports and my books of how to’s are replaced by fun reading and glossy magazines from France. And that’s just a tip of the change.
But the one area things hadn’t changed was on the web. Despite liking the simple design that had been GirlatPlay.com for three years, it no longer reflected who I was. It didn’t have the colour, vibrancy, fun, life, art, confidence or calmness that my work and my life now possessed. I wanted to exude those things because I’m finally catching up with myself.
So on Friday at just a little after 11 at night, I sat at the computer and coded, designed and drank (herbal) tea until 7AM. And this is what I got.
Although the next couple of weeks will surely be bringing tweaks (putting in new pictures so my mug isn’t on every page, adding to the resources and sidebars as well as finding every typo!) for now, I’m rather pleased.
The inside seems to be matching the outside.
April 01, 2004
Someone wrote me and left their web site address which I checked out. On a recent entry they wrote:
When I was younger I spent a great deal of my time doing “art”. I used to sketch, paint, sculpt and take photographs. I was into magazines, advertising and theatre lighting design. Seeing and creating imagery was life giving and I aspired to be a great visual artist. Too bad reality takes over. Why is it so scary and hard to do the things we really love?
I couldn’t help but reply to this and said:
I read your post and I don’t think “reality” takes over. I think we just succumb to the pressure of making “right” choices. And, also as we get older, fear sets in more. We feel irresponsible to do “art” (especially if we loved it as a kid and viewed it as play.) It’s scary because we don’t want to fail at something we love. The truth is, when you do something you adore doing, you do not fail. Ever. I say, do the art – even if it’s just 10 minutes once a week. You’ll feel like a rock star. Really.
March 26, 2004
I just wanted to note that the two entries from the 25th & 26th, while are big things, aren’t the entire picture. Professionally, things are really wonderful and amazing; I’m working on a lot of great projects (writing, travelling, art & photography), I’m in the fortunate position to be able to donate my time and efforts to two charity projects involving artwork, I’m joining forces with someone to write a very exciting travel book (details to come later) and I’m really happy and content with where I am workwise. I’m not struggling anymore, I’m just now enjoying and doing.
Also, I do enjoy my life now. I no longer suffer guilt over the freedom I have, my flat has been transformed to reflect my creativity and I’m generally just really comfortable and happy. So there are no worries that I am sitting disheveled and unhappy and that everything is tragic – it’s not.
It’s just in this area, the area of feeling demands and sometimes pressure, is something new for me and when it creeps up, it’s frustrating. Yes, I delete the emails, Yes I’m OK with the hate mail (oh, I need to write about this as I find it fascinating!), yes there are people who do write nice letters but the demanding, wanting people and the uncertainty of who to trust, well, I’m just learning to deal with that. Doesn’t mean I’ve collapsed or I’m sitting frustrated at the moment. It just means it’s a part of the process that’s there – just like the enjoyment.
March 20, 2004
Someone posted the other day on a list I run a question about how to deal with insecurities and finding their own voice. They said they sometimes felt disheartened when they read other blogs and felt behind. They also mentioned feeling like their window of opportunity was very small and that everything had to be done now.
Here’s what I wrote in response, which might be useful as I think this is a pretty common concern:
For me, I think a lot of my “success” and confidence came because when I first started, there weren’t a whole bunch of blogs on the market; there weren’t people like me writing about what I was doing or wanted to do so I didn’t have anyone to compare myself to. I didn’t know if I was good or bad, on the right track or wrong, if I was behind or ahead. And looking back, I see how valuable that was to me because really, there are no such things as those markers.
No one is 100% unique but everyone can be 100% authentic and I think that is the key. You need to do what you need to do. There are rules you have to follow if publishing is what you want to do so read books to familiarise yourself with that but don’t read what others are doing; you’ll naturally compare yourself which is unfair and has no meaning or validity because their circumstances are not yours and everyone does things differently and at different paces.
I think with so many blogs and web sites, it’s especially hard to not read or look at others works; it’s so easy to click a page and it almost becomes habit. But I think it can be dangerous at first.
Also what you said about the window of oppurtunity is really spot on and I think this is a very common feeling especially when you first start doing something. Like, if you lose momentum you will lose your creativity, your audience, your chance. Not so. The more confident you are in your work, the more relaxed you become about your work which actually, I think, gives you more oppurtunities because you can sit back and really develope your work instead of rushing to get it out before you lose your talent, miss a chance, have someone else beat you, etc. Sometimes you’re not ready for things to happen because they need time to develope, you need time. Its like two years ago I tried to write a book and my publisher said, “We’d like to buy it, but the idea needs to be formulated more. It feels like it’s in it’s infant stages.” And I thought “Oh no, but I have to have IT NOW!”
Two years later, I realise I could really only do that book now. I have a better view point, more experience and a better understanding of the book. If it had been published two years ago, honestly, I would have been embarrassed. I can do something much better and much more real now, because it’s coming straight from me and not what I think I should be.
I think you are authentic and real and you have to trust in that, which is sometimes hard and scary. But, just move forward as you no how to, with little regard for anyone else’s pace. Their shoes don’t take your steps.
March 17, 2004
I spent the evening updating my badly neglected book list. It is amazing to me how many books on writing I’ve read; I could do Amazon’s entire book review in this genre!
Several months after floundering around on my own, I discovered books on how to write, how to think, how to create. Like any creative person first beginning, I wanted to know the exact path to take. I wanted the secure, linear route. I wanted to follow steps one, two and three.
So I purchased every book that promised to teach me.
Oh, some taught me things I didn’t know and have been very handy but most books on that list have been sold to second hand book shops or given away to friends. Only a few of the classics remain because I realised I needed to know the rules, but I didn’t need to know how to implement them in my life; that’s my choice, my personal book.
I keep the book recommendations and reading list up because I know when your first starting out you crave information. You’ll read anything and sometimes, you’ll do more reading and thinking of writing/being creative than the actual task itself. This is normal.
Just remember, they’re just books – you’re the real magic.
March 15, 2004
Awhile ago, I made the decision to not talk so much about all the projects I am working on as well, to not promote all of the work I do. With this decision came a lot of happiness and a lot less worry.
What I realised over various experiences what that in a lot of writing and art circles, you’re not a somebody unless you have something to sell. Going to give a speech? Better have a book to promote along side it. Going to teach a class? Better have some artwork to sell.
I somehow became well known in a lot of circles despite never having anything to sell. I don’t charge memberships for this site or get money from advertising and I don’t want to; they’re my pleasures. But, a lot of people in the business have been bothered by this. In fact, I get a lot of rude comments and hostile behavior from other writers who have books and fancy titles because they think, “Why is she known without a product?”
Don’t get me wrong, products aren’t bad and selling your work isn’t bad. But for me, I don’t want to feel like I have to sell something for the sake of it or promote something I’m not so crazy about. I choose to only take on work I want to do and I’m fortunate enough to be in that position.
I’m creating a book right now and it’s taking me about two years to work on it because I’ve been really hesitant in making it. I wanted to make sure it would be something I would own, that I could talk about without having to sell it, that I wouldn’t be pressured into making. When an agent made suggestions I had to really sit with them to see if they were things I would do or enjoy. I didn’t want to create something just to have something to sell or rather, just to be a somebody.
Not having a book makes me less credible to a lot of people and on some levels, I can understand that. But a lot of authors I’ve met can’t stand up to their words or when you talk to them they’re trying to sell you their product every two seconds that somehow, the magic of their book is lost.
I don’t want that to be me. I don’t want to justify my work or feel like I have to be fake to someone just so they will purchase it. Perhaps that’s a bit naive but so far that kind of thought has kept me passionate and in-love with my work. It keeps me happy and excited because I’m not pushing it.
I often get written about about my marketing genius with regards to my web sites when the truth is, I’ve never marketed my work. I’ve queried a couple of times in my career and that’s it. I don’t go handing out business cards or telling everyone about my site (generally I am very quiet about this!) but the word got out. I think what I’ve done has connected with so many people because I’m authentic with my work and I’m not so worried about getting to some level, meeting some standard or being able to be in some clique.
When I first started I didn’t know about all of these things and I think that gave me a lot of freedom to just be me. The trick is to keep doing that when you get to a certain level or other people start having expectations of you or start making comments.
So, that’s why I don’t talk a lot about specific works anymore because I just enjoy so much what it is I get to do; from writing articles, to doing art for books, to photography layouts and design work. I’m a busy girl but just keeping it rather private because for me, it’s a lifestyle and not a brag book.