January 16, 2004
One of the best bits of advice I received was not advice at all; it was a statement made by my best friend, Emily.
We were walking through Granville Island, which was home to her art school as well as to many small art studios. Watching a glass blower, I asked her if she could do that.
“I don’t know,” she said, “but probably.”
A bit shocked by her confident words that she spoke with ease, I asked her how she could say ‘probably.’
She replied, “I never say I can’t before I try.”
Her words struck me so hard that day, taking away any excuse I ever had when I said I couldn’t do something before trying it. Her words have stayed with me a year later, at first challenging me and then comforting me.
I used her words when, last month, the editor for Small Spiral Notebook contacted me to help with the cover of their first print edition. My first reaction was to say no. I had never done a magazine cover before and I had never created an image specifically for someone. The fear of failing, of not being able to produce something for her, of letting her down, almost made me write her back saying I was too busy.
Then I thought of Emily’s words. I also thought about all my other jobs that I had. Because each one I applied for, I never had the qualifications for. I just thought I could learn as I went because I was smart enough and had the drive. And, sure enough, I’d get these jobs and learned as I went, no one ever suspecting I couldn’t do the tasks before.
I said YES! to creating the magazine cover and one night, I sat down and the first image:
The Editor loved it and that image would go on to be used as the cover for Small Spiral Notebook’s first print edition. I had done it and not because I was a fabulous artist but because I had tried.
On the same day my cover was accepted, I was offered two other illustration and painting jobs and one for a book and one for another magazine. Because I opened up myself, other opportunities did too.
So now I understand how Emily said what she said with ease because I, too, never say I can’t before I try.
October 18, 2003
There are two things I’ve learned about working for yourself and one of them is, if you don’t do the work, it doesn’t get done. There is no special ‘creative temp service’ to hire, no magic fairy who swoops in and completes everything with her wand and, as far as I know, there isn’t any special chant you can do either. The other thing I’ve learned is that freedom is a wonderful thing.
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been terribly ill. The downside to that is that my projects didn’t go away; they’re still sitting there with deadlines and people waiting. On the upswing, I don’t have to worry about sleeping during the day and working for 10 minutes at 3AM.
Little by little, I do the work when I can. Sometimes I get a block of an hour and I work like mad to catch up on yesterdays slack. Sometimes, I only get to work in random spurts of ten minutes. Whatever it is, I find time to continue working whilst always fitting in nap and lots of tea.
I’ve learned to balance looking after myself with doing my work, something that was hard in the beginning. I used to take the freedom I have too far and think, ‘Well, I don’t have to work right now, so I won’t. Funny how much never got done or deadlines would all of a sudden appear and I’d overwhelm myself with catch-up work.
When I discovered the ten-minute rule last spring (Do anything in just ten minutes and that’s it), it changed things for me. When I don’t think I can do something or I don’t have the time, I take just ten minutes because I’ve realised that doing something in ten minutes is doing something, and creates something that wasn’t there just 11 minutes before.
Sometimes people think to be creative or have a create job, one must spend it takes lots of time and freedom. But if you have another job, or pneumonia, sometimes all you can work in is little slots of time.
And really, if you try and work hard in those few minutes and build them up over a period of time, they’re enough.
September 26, 2003
I currently have more projects going on than I know what to do with; there’s the book proposal that I’m reworking at an agents suggestions (yes!), there are several travel articles I have to complete, one being a test piece for a potential ongoing job and there is also a new site I am trying to launch this fall.
Despite so much happening, I’m sitting here slowly typing, sipping tea and being rather relaxed. Panic attacks, anxious moments and the fear of time have subsided greatly over the past year, especially once I realised that writing wasn’t just one assignment, it was a lifestyle. And I plan on having a life for quite sometime.
When I first started, I was so incredibly (an uncharacteristically) anxious. I wanted everything to happen now. I had followed other artists for so long, I had dreamed of writing for so many years and I felt I knew what I wanted do waiting for my ideas and wants to materialise was extremely hard. It was even harder when I wasn’t sure what I was doing and when I wasn’t sure how to get to the next level.
I sometimes became so overwhelmed with all that needed to be done and the short amount of time I felt I had that I would stop working and just anxiously and nervously wait. Wait for someone to save me, to tell me what to do, to give me ‘steps.’ I thought if I could just follow a pattern that worked and was tried and true, I could instantly have it, whatever ‘it’ was.
However, when I thought about having it I never thought about would happen after I got it. I never asked myself, ‘if I was given everything I thought I wanted right now, what on earth would I do with the rest of my life?’ My jitters never made me see long term and that was a huge part of the problem.
One day, I finally made the connection that writing and creating was my life and living can’t be done in a week. I also realised that anything in life worth having is never easy which is why it means so much when you get it. Chances are, when you accomplish something it’s because you had to put in time, you had to earn it, and most of all, you had to live it.
With that understanding, I began to slow down. The worry that I used to have of never accomplishing something, of never getting anywhere, of never fulfilling some goal quickly faded and I began to enjoy my work instead. I once again became patient, knowing that if one project didn’t work out my career wasn’t over, I could try again tomorrow, next month or next year.
I also began to enjoy the process of learning, of figuring things out, of taking time and having ideas shift and change into other things. Sitting with time instead of running with it, has helped me not only to be a better writer, but a happier one.
And there’s nothing worth doing if it doesn’t make you happy.
September 24, 2003
What was plaguing me on September 05th is now making me rather proud.
When I realized that I am ultimately in control and that yes, one person can close some doors but others can open them, I decided to participate in the project on my terms. This means that when I received my bit that was to be in the book to review, I decided to rewrite it as I wasn’t happy with how it had been edited. Although no words had been changed, the meat of what I was saying, my ideas, my truth, were taken out and I was left saying fluffy things that didn’t make sense.
I decided if I am going to participate, I must be happy with it and it must represent what I am about. I rewrote my bit in a clever and smart way; clever so that it sounds like what they are asking for but smart in that I’m saying what I need to in the way I need to. That means that they get what they want and I, I get to feel satisfied instead of mortified.
I got my ending.
September 21, 2003
I feel as though I am approaching the end of an era with regards to the last several months. As it draws near, I feel as though I have to tread gently, kindly and cleverly but it’s not easy because as I am feeling both confused and angry.
I’m not entirely sure what to do about a particular project I’m working on right now for someone. I worry that things could take a turn for the worse by deciding not to do and act the way some are expecting. I sometimes think someone else has more control over my career than I do and I sometimes fear that they would take control over it out of retaliation. However, the reality though, is that they – nor anyone else – are not in control of me. Ultimately, I am. Always.
I believe it’s crucial right now for me to keep remembering this and act accordingly so that I can bring this era to the right kind of ending.
Dec. 17, 2002
A part of me feels genuinely humiliated for sharing two recent (and huge) failures, understanding now why so many people keep their dreams tucked so quietly within them. To admit when something doesn’t work out is not only personally humbling, but publicly embarrassing.
People love to watch other people climbing the ladder of success. They cheer them on enthusiastically and do all they can to be supportive. Once they’re near the top though, it’s all a different story. Suddenly, the world fills up with folk who are hanging around eagerly anticipating your downfall. This, I discovered, is true for me.
During the poll that I recently setup, a couple of wicked letters poured in and while generally I know the authors and their motivations behind such letters, it was still upsetting to read them.
Why someone would take so much time out of their life to sit down and write a long, nasty letter about someone else was mind boggling to me. I wanted to discount it but at first, the letter had weight because I thought on some level they were right; I had failed and perhaps I wasn’t any good at what I was doing.
Then I realised that out of one thousand letters, only two were negative, which meant that I must have done something right.
I began to realise from the answers to my poll who my real audience was and what they really thought of my book. All but two of the answers were a huge YES! All but two of the answers were, “leave the book as it is!” All but two of the answers were, “Thank-you for writing.”
People had let me known that they wanted the same kind of book that I want – what’s already been written on the web. They let me know that they too didn’t want a self-help book or guide. They let me know that something I did, meant something.
Their feedback helped me to realise that although I still have targets to reach I have already accomplished several things of importance. It also means that I have much to lose and that certain people would now be only too pleased to help me lose it. However, I am not going to give them that opportunity.
Walt Disney once said Get a good idea and stay with it. Dog it, and work at it until it’s done, and done right.
With that, I am going to continue to fight to get my book published. I’m going to modify it, enhance it but not take away from the core which is the basic, simply telling of a journey. No gucking it up, no preaching and no morning pages to add to it. It’s my book and I’m going to get it published my way.
Arrogant? No, just determined.