Oct. 25, 2002
When I talk of my break from writing, the first thing people ask is, “for how long?” Right now, I don’t have an answer and I’m OK with that.
I’m at the same point now as I was just before I quit my corporate job when I knew I had come to the end of something and needed to start on an entirely new path. Just like back then, I don’t know what I’m moving towards, I just know it’s different.
There’s opportunity out there for me, I just have to figure out what I want and I’ll get it. I don’t say that to be cocky but I’ve learned that by naming a desire and working for it, you achieve it. For me the hard part is naming it.
I want more than just to write, that’s all I know for sure. I know that right now I need to focus less on writing, less on sharing and more time just being with myself and discovering who I am and where I’m going.
Rather than walking blindly, I’ve decided to wait and listen for signs of when (and how) to move. That seems ridiculously since I constantly tell people that action is the only thing that gets things moving but since I’m not sure what action to take, I’ll simply wait until I do.
In the meantime, I take each day as it comes. I’m not sleeping through it or waiting for a light to hit me and tell me what to do. But I’m just taking a break from trying so hard, especially on the roads I’ve already taken.
This journey has been amazing so far, but I know there’s another one out there, ready. I’ll put my foot down as soon as I know. I have a feeling it’s not too far away.
Oct. 10, 2002
Taking a much needed hiatus from updating. The pressure to talk about writing all the time has taken it’s toll and left me struggling to write about other topics. I’ve spent the beginning October releasing things that overwhelm me, and this is the last.
“A starving person has nothing to offer a starving world.”
The updates will begin once again in January 2003. Until then you can check out the news section for any of my projects that come to light or the book page if I get a chance to buy some books.
My efforts will be put mostly into completing my travel portfolio, articles for print and figuring out how to really use watercolours. And if I’m lucky, watching a leaf or two fall in this most gorgeous autumn.
Oct. 08, 2002
When I heard that line somewhere today, it just clicked with me. I got it.
The past couple of months I would call myself anything but successful, despite the fact I’ve been busier and making progress. I had created drama around my life by taking on so much, letting my brain swirl without control and not taking stock of how I was doing with it all. When I removed the drama, I knew why I was left feeling unsuccessful. It’s because I hadn’t been behaving successfully. Instead, I’d been wishing, praying, waiting, thinking and talking about how I’d achieve more things if only I had the time/sleep/energy/creativity/order/silence.
Then I realised that the only way to achieve something is to work for it – physically and mentally. I had the dream of writing since I was two but it took twenty-five years and getting off my ass to do something to make it real and achieve success.
So I’ve been spending October rearranging things and cutting out bits that don’t need to be there. I’ve been changing my behaviours to match what I want. Instead of wishing for order, I’m creating it. Instead of praying for a moment of silence, I’m giving myself it. Instead of talking about what I want, I’m doing what I want.
In the one week that I’ve been changing my behaviour, there has been huge difference in my work. I’m writing better, I’m focusing more and I’m falling in love with the whole madhap process all over again. In fact, I’m even starting to feel success once more.
Sept. 30, 2002
One of the problems I faced in the corporate world was losing my sense of self. I had ceased to be Alex – the girl who travels, laughs and finds pennies. Instead, I became a living zombie who dreaded everyday.
When I took control of my life and decided to do what I wanted, everything changed – my outlook, my personality and my life. It was a beautiful thing.
I was finally able to do anything and everything I wanted. I could write all day long and into the night. I could do watercolours, take an art class, volunteer, travel, visit friends, break for tea, take walks, whatever. Anything interesting that came along, I now had the ability to do it – and I did.
A whole year and a half of this and I had slowly begun to wear down while my life revolved around writing and creativity. I felt I had to eat, sleep and breathe it and if I wasn’t, I was somehow misusing this new life of mine. The guilt was constant.
In August I realised that I was in dire need of time off, so I booked a vacation. However, I couldn’t just take a vacation because I am a travel writer! So I made my vacation business and business it was. Talking with people, taking notes and being overly conscious left me very tired and weary after the trip. Even though I was on a high from my first big assignment, I was overwhelmed. And the worst part was I didn’t want to admit it.
Only days back from my hectic trip, I had company. And only days after that company leaving did I have more company. I tried to hide the fact that I was overwhelmed and cranky because the company was good and I wanted them to visit, especially since I had the time. I thought their energy would reneergise me – but it didn’t. Instead, it left me in a pile of blah.
It didn’t help that I had 72 emails waiting to be returned – emails that demanded that I make the deadline, friends asking for creative advice, people wanting me to proof their work that I had agreed to, questions that had to be answered, stories that had to be told, demands for advice on how to be creative just like me and concerns from people on why I hadn’t updated the site in twenty-two days.
My brain was fried, literally fried. I didn’t know how to respond to 72 emails because I didn’t even know how to respond to myself. I was a mess. An overwhelmed mess yet instead of taking time to regroup all I could do was think of how I had to get back to work. How I had to be creative and use my time properly. How I had to nap, walk and make it all worthwhile. All the “have to’s” started to eat at me and I became so utterly useless.
In a fit on the floor, I stopped for just a moment to ask myself who the hell was I? What had I become?
The answer? I was a girl obsessed with creativity and writing. If I wasn’t writing, I thought I had to be creative. If I wasn’t being creative, I thought I had to be doing something productive. I had become almost this automatic zombie just doing things, trying to fill up time because I thought I was supposed to. I was trying to find balance but only balancing “doing things”. Even my relaxing, quiet time was work. There wasn’t anytime left just to be.
It hadn’t been something I wanted to admit. I wanted to be able to do it all. I wanted to pull that off but the truth is, I couldn’t. I’m a writer not Super Woman.
I had to take a break from who I had become so I decided for the next week I would stop everything, go into hibernation and regroup. I stayed at home, tucked inside, with no schedule whatsoever.
It was so miserably uncomfortable at first. I felt lazy, I felt useless and I felt like I was a big fat nothing. I was antsy. I, the girl who won napping contests and loved nothing more than to sit by the lake to watch it talk, couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t be alone with myself. I felt if all I had done was talk about writing and creativity for the past year that I had to be doing it and if I wasn’t, I didn’t know who I was.
On the third day of isolation, however, something wonderful started to kick in – me. I started to relax, so much so I even got to sleep in. I baked a cake and didn’t mind when I found out that my baking is still inedible. I took long walks without rushing to get home to record an idea. I watched trashy tv, skipped reading emails, and put the watercolours away. I swear, I even giggled at my own jokes.
I found myself again, which seems like a strange thing to say I know. But I had become this entity for writing, for creativity, for liberation and so that’s all I thought about and did. It was like I had had a baby which was all anyone could talk about. I forgot that I can take time off just to be me and that just because I can say yes to so many things, doesn’t mean I actually have to.
With my head successfully out of my ass, I made a plan – stay in hibernation for winter.
I spent the rest of the week alerting my friends and family that I wouldn’t be visiting or receiving them until at least January. I canceled some up coming trips, conferences and lunch dates. I re-organised my office by getting rid of useless papers, saving much needed ones, putting up shelves, making it cosy and finding the perfect spot for my tea mug. I also rested like mad.
There were projects that I had just started and canceled some while I streamlined others. Websites that I maintain were put on hold for the next several months (save this and my travel portfolio), and I caught up on all my email. I stopped taking on any new projects so that I can finish all my current ones without pressure. I also stocked up on supplies of quick made food, bubble bath and the imperative glossy mags for those nights of doing nothing but relaxing.
When I was canceling and shuffling things around, I felt the selfish pang again. I also felt like a total bitch for declaring to myself that a simple lunch date with a friend really was a hassle. But I realise if I hadn’t done all this, I’d be sitting here typing in an overwhelmed state – and what use is that? Instead, I’m calm, cool and terribly excited because I feel able to deal with everything now.
Although learning what I can and can’t do has been a challenge, it’s been an essential lesson. To keep enjoying what I do, to keep moving forward and to keep my head out of my ass, I have to go scale back on work and play a little more. I have to stop taking on the world and remember to say a little hullo to a girl named Alex who writes for a living and smiles on her time off.
Sept. 20, 2002
I’ve made a lot of decisions lately – the best? To go into hibernation.
With too much time being spent away from home, a continuous flow of guests and an unbalance of energy, I’ve come to realise that if I just think that I won’t do anything more for awhile it doesn’t stop me. I have to declare it.
The last of my guests are arriving this weekend but after that, I’m accepting no one, save an afternoon latte with a friend once in awhile. If people need to me to visit, I’ll kindly tell them I can’t until next year. Any new projects to start I’ll have to decline until I have a firm hold on all the ones I have now. I’m declaring myself a homebody – I need to.
Doing so doesn’t mean that I’ll only be working – on the contrary. Taking time off from others gives me more time to myself – something I haven’t had for over a year. Instead of cleaning the flat for company, I can spend it reading. Instead of taking several hours to drive somewhere, I can paint. Instead of recovering from an overload of information, I can concentrate on my work. With the freedom to put myself out there, I went overboard.
It’s like a kid in a candy store – your first trip in you want it all and only after you make yourself sick do you realise moderation is the key.
Sept. 19, 2002
The energy I had when I came home from my trip soon turned to feeling overwhelmed.
An unexpected visit from a dear friend took up three days of work. I have plans for this weekend, an appointment next week, several parties coming up, another trip, a conference and a volunteer program to start. My schedule is booked until January.
It has literally been a year since I’ve spent a solid month at home and when I am home, I seem to be out. It’s my fault – I take on too much without asking if I really should.
Working hard at one, two or even three things I can handle. But I’ve put my foot in every pool and I’m even though I’m only half way in each, I’m drowning. I took the energy I had and used it up within a week. I’ve rendered myself useless so quickly and this isn’t the first time it’s happened.
I’m a believer that you’re handed the same problem over and over in various forms until you honestly figure it out. Feeling stressed over my schedule has given me a wake-up call to stop this pattern.
I have to stop trying to do everything I want because I just simply can’t. I end up doing some things half ass’ed, losing interest in others and resenting my work. I’m overloaded because I shouted YES! Now I have to figure out how to politely say no.
There are some commitments I can’t back out of, but there are some that I can. I will declutter my schedule, slow down on incoming projects, get back to my routine and focus. I’ll also try to find a month (or perhaps even two) where I won’t have to leave the home, have guests over or think of anything other than a few work projects.
I’ll also try to spend some time alone – without trying to write, create or be inspirational. It’s hard, however, when your home and office are one and you have done nothing but eat, sleep and breathe your work for the past year.
I’m at the point where I literally need to be forced to slow down. This is where a gift certificate to the local spa would come in handy.
Elsewhere