June 25, 2002
With my internet access back up, my websites finally operating after 24 hours of being down and email transferring again, I feel like I can get back to all the projects that I’m more than a week behind on.
My first priority today was to finally get my Press Packet mailed off. Due to time constraints the packets I’m having printed up at a print press won’t be ready in time for the group that needs it now. With Microsoft Word, Adobe PhotoShop and a little creativity, I was able to create a good press packet beginning.
The hardest part for me was the obligatory Press Packet Photo – a frightening step for me. Although I’m twenty-eight, the magic of Oil of Olay keeps me looking as though I just turned twenty – which I’m told will be something I’ll appreciate when I’m 52 but now it’s sometimes bothersome when I try to assume credibility.
I was worried that I might look to young in the photo until I realised there wasn’t much I could do about it unless I caked on makeup, figured out how to use eye-liner and try to find a pantsuit to wear since I gave all mine away. Instead of trying to pull off some kind of “look” I decided to be me. Because if I’m not, then all my talking about trusting yourself and doing what you need to do doesn’t have any credibility – and that can’t be fixed with any photo.
The Press Packet Photo oh my! With my regular look, I took out my Nikon Digital Camera and within the first few clicks saw a photo I could use.
When my husband came home I showed him the photo and asked him what he thought.
“It looks like you,” he said.
“Yes, it does,” I replied, smiling.
June 24, 2002
Sometimes, I’m absolutely positive it would have been easier to have a career as a Rocket Scientist.
I have not only been dealing with setbacks that are out of my control, but a heavy workload on top. It’s been hard to keep going when it seems like everything is trying to push me back. The one thing I’ve learned that is if I stop, it all stops. So I have to keep going no matter what – even if I don’t want to.
At one point, when everything was collapsing, I sat at the computer and just cried as I continued to work on my book proposal. I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone – give into the feeling of frustration and continuing to work. Despite all the problems and my sometimes lack of courage, I haven’t given in to pity. I haven’t thrown my hands in the air nor have I flailed my body around on the floor. I’ve been trying as best I can to just do what I can do, and trust me, it has been one of the hardest things at times. Especially when all I want to do is just crawl under the covers and pretend that all I was meant to do on earth was nap.
I have asked myself when it will all get better, when will I get a lucky break, when will someone fix it all for me so I don’t have to do anything but show up each day. I received an answer when I randomly read my horoscope.
It said:
I felt that was a really sound advice that made sense to me. Sometimes when things are so bad we want to give up and surrender to something bigger while we wait for “luck” or “magic” to save us. The truth is, we can only save ourselves. If we don’t take the step, we’ll never get the journey.
Dreams don’t happen simply because you dream, they happen because you invest yourself in them and do something to make them real. And when you do, you’re rewarded in ways you never thought possible. That’s the real luck right there.
June 23, 2002
This site and Another Girl at Play have both been down all day – and it’s almost midnight. This means no email, no website, and no mailing list – which is currently lost all thanks to my server accidentally doing something wrong.
Besides the obvious reasons, my stress levels have been at an all time high the past week because I’ve felt as though I haven’t been able to work. I didn’t have a plan in place should so many things go wrong. I used to think if ‘X’ didn’t work I’d just move on to ‘Y’. I never stopped to ask myself what I’d do if ‘X,’ ‘Y,’ and ‘Z’ were broken at the same time.
Now, I’m asking myself.
I’m trying to put a plan into place so should everything strike me at once again, I can still work and move forward. I’ve put all my work contacts on my Palm Pilot so if another internet outage occurs, I can go to the public library, rent a computer, log onto my email and let people know what is going on. I’m backing up all my files onto a zip disk so if the computer crashes again I can go to my husbands school’s computer lab and work on files from there. On top of that, I trying to find ways to relax and remove myself from a bad situation that I can’t immediately fix instead of sitting and stressing over all the problems.
Thinking of what to do “in case” is helping me to deal with a situation I thought was hopeless. Feeling overwhelmed prevented me from thinking clearly and consequently I wasn’t able to do much of anything. Now, understanding that everything can – and will – blow up at once has helped me to find ways to deal with it.
It’s times like these when I realise how much of a godsend strong tea really is.
June 18, 2002
Today is just a really bad day. There’s just no two ways about it.
It started on Friday with our internet system crashing. That meant no email to contact people I have to contact, no surfing the web for research and no uploading of all my new material.
On Monday, things got worse. The computer crashed making it virtually impossible to type up documents which meant articles with due dates are now on hold until I can figure out if I can salvage my computer or if I can find funds to purchase a new one.
And if that weren’t enough, the madness continued today with the above still not working but with the added bonus of the printer dying, the internet fixing man telling me he can’t do anything for a couple of days and a printing error in my business postcards that just arrived after a month of delay.
It’s days like this where my frustration is at it’s maximum and I can’t do much of anything except throw my body to the ground and flail my limbs around as I scream in a fit. Every thing’s going wrong when I especially need it to go right.
Despite all my efforts to keep up with the heavy workload technology is slowing me down and virtually stopping all efforts. The worst part is not knowing when I’ll be operational.
I literally do not know what to do in this case. All that I need to work on is wrapped up in all that’s broken. I never read about days like this in any writer’s manual. I think someone needs to add it.
June 06, 2002
I’m busy. Frantically busy.
A quick run down of what needs to be done ASAP.
* press packet put together and mailed out
* travel articles written
* travel site finished
* spa article to finish and submit
* book proposal to overhaul
* create a copy of the book
* catch up on email
* update the site
* finish another girl newsletter.
All that combined with regular work, another high school reunion, two seminars, a lunch date and sleep. And in the midst of it all, I am happily puttering. In fact, I’m puttering and making tea.
Balancing a heavy workload and playtime has been something I’ve been trying to learn for over a year and am now just catching on. For me, it’s at the moment I don’t think I can stop that I ask myself to and what a world of good it does me.
I got all the important pressing work out of the way early this morning and then I stopped just before my head exploded. I switched gears to playing around with some design on my personal site, writing a love letter to my husband and a dishy letter to my friend. I happily chased the cat around the flat until the both of us needed to nap just a bit on the bed. Now, it’s raining outside and I’m winding down from my puttering with a warm cup of tea in my hand. I know that there’s more work to be done and I can do it now.
For awhile I was so scared to work that all I did was play and then I was so scared to play that all I did was work. By concentrating on just one thing I wasn’t of much use to anyone, especially myself. But by doing both my writing is enhanced as well as my moods and productivity.
Learning to balance has been a long hard road, and it’s still bumpy at times. But on days like today where I get to work hard and play a little without feeling stressed out or guilty about doing either one, I know I’ve at least learned something.
May 29, 2002
I just gulped down a cup of tea. It’s been that kind of day – busy.
There’s been little mind shifts that have happened over the past month that have been extremely beneficial and the cause of my current state of busyness is due to the fact I’ve been replacing the phrase, “I’m living my dream” with, “I’m working.”
I used to use the phrase, “I’m living my dream” a lot to explain what I was doing because writing is my dream and I’m finally getting to live it. But the truth of the matter is, when I used that phrase it was almost a cop out because I kept treating my writing like a dream instead of what it’s supposed to be – my job.
When I first started to write, I was just coming off several years of bad corporate experiences. I hated the 9-5 grind, I hated pantsuits, I hated linear thinking. All I wanted to do was run away from anything that I thought work was and instead ran towards everything I thought was the opposite.
I called myself Girl at Play, I began to live out a dream, I didn’t worry so much about the business side and work side because the emphasis on personal growth and discovery was far more important. I was, literally, for the first time in my life experiencing freedom. I was getting to do what I wanted to do each and every day. I was happy, content, and on top of that I got to write. I was afraid if I threw in any term resembling “work” that I’d mess up everything I had just learned.
But by ignoring the term work, I did everything but work. I had forgotten that while living a dream is important, there’s this whole reality that I not only need to, but want to, work.
Realising that was a huge eye opener for me. I realised that there are so many creative things I love to do and want to do, but as “just a writer” I can’t do them. I remembered that when I registered the domain Girl at Play it was before I went out on my own to write. I bought it in hopes to one day run a creative business, I just used the domain for writing because that’s what came along first.
Now that I’ve got a greater understanding of who I am, what I want and where I’m going that I can tackle the work side without feeling like I’m suffocating or the need to wear pant suits. I’m finally ready to start that business I thought about over a year and a half ago.
Now, as a business, I can do more without feeling like I’m taking away from my writing because everything just enhances that anyway. I’ve really wanted to get into public speaking – talking at conventions, workshops, meetings anywhere. I held back on that before because I kept thinking, “I’m just a writer.” However, now as a business I can incorporate public speaking and my writing and I’ve already lined up several paying Public Speaking gigs. I also wanted to give and teach in workshops but again, held back. Not anymore.
Figuring out what I can do as a business has really helped me focus in terms of my marketing – I know who my target audience is, I know what I want to do and I know how to go and get it. And instead of taking away from my writing it has completely enhanced it and I’ve been writing more than I did when writing was all that I did. Because now when I get writers block I have other things to focus on, rather than beating myself trying to write up something just for the sake of it.
Shifting my vocabulary from “I’m busy” to “I’m working” as well as saying “I do a lot of creative services” rather than “I’m just a writer” has helped me get over some hidden hurdle I’ve had. I’m marketing myself and my company and my efforts are paying off. Business is busy – and starting to pay. And truly, I’m happier because I don’t feel the pressure to be just one thing because I’m not – I’m a whole bunch of creative things and now I get to do them under my business, Girl at Play.
Elsewhere