Sometimes when one repeats a word over and over, like carrot, the word starts to make less and less sense. If one writes the word down over and over, the spelling starts to make even less sense. One starts to ask, “Is that even a word? It doesn’t look right. It doesn’t make sense.”
Although they might have said or spelled carrot a million times, it’s the repetition that can sometimes cause doubt to the validity of the word.
That is how I feel about my book proposal.
Currently, I am working on one of my biggest projects to date and also my most challenging – a visual book.
Design is not my forte, in fact, it often overwhelms, frustrates and confuses me. The process of creating a design or layout takes me a long time to do and involves many cups of tea and naughty words. A web site, a painting, a book, they all go through the same, laborious process and no matter how many times I design something, it never gets easier.
When I mention to friends that I am not a designer and lack skills, they always seem to be in shock and come to my defense. “Yes you are a designer!” they tell me and list the sites that they admire or a project I laid out that they fell in love with. This makes me proud because the end result is worth the laborious process that I don’t enjoy.
I remember when I met a well-known author and commented on how much I loved her work and how effortlessly it seemed. She told me that was the highest compliment because there was so much effort involved because the words didn’t come naturally. It was then I realised that sometimes beautiful things take effort, even if they don’t seem to for others.
This gave me confidence to continue to design because for a long time I thought if it was so hard that I was not meant to do it. I felt that I should give up and leave design to ‘real designers.’ I never stopped to think if those ‘real designers’ went through the same, tough process as I.
Working on this book is a long and challenging process. Sometimes, I would rather throw my hands up in the air and just give up. However I remind myself that a challenge feels so good when you overcome it, when you do something you don’t think you can do and the satisfaction from that helps me to forget the frustration of the process so when a new design opportunity pops up, I can attempt it.
For over two weeks I struggled with her advice; to make additions to the book which would involve adding “self help, resources and ideas.” I knew that her advice was warranted – she was a fabulous agent that knows what is selling in the world of books – but I was having a hard time accepting it.
Besides, she had already made suggestions that I completely agreed with and had altered the book in my own way and thought it was perfect as is. The additions and changes were really good, she said, but not enough. I had to add more of my voice, resources and how to’s. This was a problem for me as self-help isn’t my thing. Motivational writing isn’t my thing. Telling people what to do in five steps – so not my thing. I like to offer an experience and have people take what they can, but apparently, that wasn’t good enough. Without the additions the chances of her representing me were slim and the chances of a publisher wanting the book, even smaller.
To write something that wasn’t me felt wrong and I promised myself I wouldn’t do this. I had seen far too many examples of writers who wrote just for market. I remember a woman who was writing a book on “how to be your authentic creative self.” Yet every idea in the book came from her favourite writers and an agent. I found this quite hard to swallow. I also had a friend who recently published a book which used my phrases and ideas and I’m sure a lot more, but she knew what the market was and money and fame are extremely important to her. She’d write whatever people would buy, it had worked so far for her. There were other writers who got contracts via friends and also wrote about being yourself and accepting yourself, only to take their advance and buy breasts. I didn’t want to do this, I didn’t want to lie to an audience or more importantly, myself.
Yet, here I was, faced with the same dilemma; change my views and make a killing at a book or hold fast to my principles and remain unpublished.
Unsure of the right answer, I did what any confused person would do – I asked close friends for advice that I wanted to hear. I wanted them to tell me that I was right in resisting the agents words and that I was right to be authentic and not write something I didn’t want to.
When I approached my best-friend Emily about this I was expecting her to agree with me. But in her nonchalant way she blatantly said, “Well, you have to give people a reason to buy the book. You have to do something else.” She went on to give me ideas, ideas that I had or would do. Huh, I thought. OK, maybe.
My friend Kate asked how the book was going and I showed her my mock-up. She loved it and I was happy. See, I told myself, what is there right now is perfect, just as it is. I replied to her with my story of how it was suggested that I needed to add more of my voice and give people suggestions for the ideas I had. Kate, being a writer and a person who agrees with authenticity as much as I do didn’t tell me I was right In fact, she told me I should do what the agent suggested.
She explained how that my voice is different than a lot of people’s and that I wouldn’t write from the viewpoint of those currently on the market. She explained that perhaps my voice was needed and that I could take the advice and instead of being someone else, I could just be me, and offer what I knew.
This kind of advice popped up in several other people until I understood that I didn’t have to be a different kind of writer to take the agents advice. I didn’t have to write about glitter, about morning pages or weekly tasks. I didn’t have to change into someone or adopt an unfamiliar style. All I had to do was do what I’ve been doing all along – offer what I know and hope that it’s of use.
I can do that.
As soon as I made the decision that I would move ahead and make the advice my own, I started to get confirmation from all over the place that this was the right decision.
Without saying a word, I began to receive a flood of email from people who told me that, out of all the “self-help” and “motivational” books they had read, my words had helped them the most. They listed names of authors who I thought I had to be like in order to take the agents advice. However, since I hadn’t received these specific kinds of emails before and only started to receive them after I made the decision to take the agents advice, I decided to take them as a sign that I was on the right path. As I’ve said before, when leap in the right direction, the universe provides. I know that I really can offer guidance in a way that’s comfortable and authentic to me and still be useful to others.
Now I can move forward with excitement instead of fear. The possibility of trying something new and succeeding, well, it makes up for the struggle. I realise that I need to challenge myself and try new things and this is a good opportunity for that. Besides, I can’t give up without trying and if my authenticity, my words, my way, aren’t good enough then I’ll accept the fact that perhaps the book won’t make it.
But somehow, I have a feeling it will because authenticity, I truly believe, has it rewards. Even if it takes awhile.
The one comment that has come up from publishers and agents is the lack of direction my book has. That if it was developed more, they could do something with it. I think that I was hoping they’d figure out what to do and I could just write it.
That’s not how it’s going to happen.
Although I’ve become closer to what my book is about, I wasn’t quite there with the last proposal – the ending was still unclear to me. After all, if the book is mimicking real life, how does it just end?
I knew the book had to be slightly different from the web site, but again, I wasn’t sure how. I’ve been brainstorming randomly but with the push of the past two days, I’ve been brainstorming like mad and finally figured it out thanks to some creativity and following the rules.
I kept thinking I didn’t need to do a chapter outline like every ‘hot to get published book’ states since my book doesn’t have chapters. I thought that way until I did one and realised if I had only followed these guidelines months before, perhaps I’d have something out there now.
Making the chapter outline I realised my book has several parts – an introduction, a beginning, a middle, an end, a resource section and a FAQ section. I put points underneath them all as to what would go where and the strange thing is, the way I have written it, it all falls into this.
I also created a page to show what’s new in the proposal and book. I’ve been doing my market research making graphs and all that good fancy marketing. Doing that has really helped me to understand my book and who wants what. It’s also helped me stand firm on what I want.
There’s the old saying that to break the rules, you have to understand them. After rereading several of my publishing books I now understand which rules I can – and can’t – break.
The vision is getting clearer.
There’s nothing like a two mile walk home from the post office in the pouring, windy rain to make you miserable. Wait, there is – carrying a rejection letter from your publisher of choice during said walk.
Perhaps it wouldn’t have hit me so hard if I had been prepared for it. I truly believed that this publisher would publish my book for several reasons. They publish books like mine, they publish first time authors, I had an inside connection and (I thought) my proposal rocked.
What stung the most was that it wasn’t an out and out rejection; they liked my work – even holding an acquisitions meeting about it. The publisher thought I wrote well, liked the idea, and he even wrote me a personal note back saying that my submission had gone further than most. The ultimate decision to not publish it came down to judgment calls based on the fact they didn’t think the book idea had formed completely nor were they sure of the size of audience it would have.
I had come so close, but not close enough which left me more devastated than a simple “We just didn’t like it” would have.
This rejection left me debating if I should continue on or not with the book idea- maybe all the opinions from “professionals” hold more validity than my dream. On the other hand, there is this fearsome power inside me that wants to prove them all wrong by sending them a copy of my published book with a note saying “I told you so.” Is that arrogance or lost hope? At this point, I’m not sure.
Julie Andrews has perfect advice for a situation like this: “You cry a little and then the sun comes out.” Perhaps I’ll wallow a little, indulge my sadness and wallow a little and then give it another go.
I’ll do more market research (an area I knew I was weak on), I give them a clear, concise book (also something I lacked with my proposal) and just write more, finish it and polish it until it shines. Why? Because at this point in my life, I’ve blown any chances to go back to being a how I was.
Postscript:
I couldn’t wallow, I just couldn’t. I had a cry on the way home from the post and that was enough. If I didn’t believe in what I was doing, if I didn’t believe there was a market, I think I would have given up long ago. But it’s like with any personal dream – it’s inside you and you feel it every day. It never goes away until it’s fulfilled. If I gave up, that would be the real failure – not being rejected from a publisher. To help me focus on what to do next, I set up a poll for readers to help answer my marketing questions. This is to prove to the right people that there is a market and that somehow, this story that I’ve told is relevant in today’s publishing world.
Also, I spent most of the afternoon and evening working on my book and answering the questions that the publisher had. I’m going to redo it all (even rebinding the book thanks to my best-friend Emily) and send it back to the publisher. I feel like their rejection was a passive invitation. The worst that could happen was that they would say no again and since I’ve already been through it once, the second time around should be a piece of cake.
I’m going to use the rejection as a motivator instead of a debilitator. Somehow, it’s not as hard as I thought it would be.
Her reasons were clear; she wouldn’t represent my book because she didn’t believe it could sell as it was. The agent explained that if I changed my book to reflect the style of Julia Cameron or SARK not only would she work with me, but I would have a very successful book.
The only problem with that is that it wouldn’t be my book.
Maybe it’s naive of me to hold my ground and get my vision published. I know it’s definitely harder. Yet if I give in and change it to meet someone else’s vision, I feel that everything I written in the book wouldn’t be able to hold true. Doing something just for the sake of doing it rather than because I want to do it, well, that’s not what my book is about.
Rejecting the chance to have fantastic representation or to be published makes me wonder if it’s the right thing to do. A huge chunk of me says it is because I believe in authenticity and doing what you need to do, but a small part of me thinks I’m daft because how do I know what’s best for the publishing world. Perhaps the Agents and Publishers know more in this area than I. Where’s the line between being steadfast and being stupid?
I keep asking myself what is my goal with my book? What is my motivation? Is it money, to be published, for fame? Money is a partial motivator because I’ve put so much effort into it that I believe I deserve to get paid for it. Getting published is also a motivation because I believe in this book so much and if these journal have so far affected thousands who only have web access, imagine how many more creative souls could come forth if there was a book. Fame? No, because this book isn’t about me – it’s about anyone with a dream.
It’s hard for me to think with all the hits, feedback and media attention that this site has received that the journals as they are wouldn’t work. Although I adore SARK books and have found comfort from Julia Cameron’s The Artists Way, I do not write those style of books nor do I come from the same angle as those writers. I’m different.
There’s still hope with a publisher that I sent my work to months ago. Perhaps they’ll publish me because my work is my own and not an imitation of someone else.
After all, that’s how it’s worked so far. But is it enough?
Andrea,
Girl, you won’t believe what’s happening.
I spent the past two days in a state – oh I am telling you it was the saddest, most pitiful state you have ever witnessed someone being in. Since coming back from San Francisco, I realised how unhappy I’ve been with my current state. I realised I wanted to be more, do more, see more. I felt like I had completed one phase of my life (the inspirational writing, the writing on writing, the Web sites, the only being a writer) and I was ready for the next. The only problem? I wasn’t sure what the next phase was.
Usually I love a good mystery but because of the indecision and restlessness I’ve felt as of late, I wanted to know what it was that I was feeling. Sometimes the unknown is scary. Despite the uncertainty of the future, I had a feeling (though very small) that everything would be OK. I felt that I wouldn’t feel small for long because something bigger, better, and more real was going to take over. However, sometimes a “feeling” doesn’t provide comfort, and I had been edgy without knowing what would come next. Self-doubt started to take over because I wasn’t going anywhere; I didn’t want to remain in the same place but I wasn’t sure how to take the next step. The want of something different without the knowledge of how to get it was frustrating me.
This Monday when I woke-up I literally said, “I so fucking give up today” – and I did. Instead of trying to get to a place I didn’t have directions to I stayed right where I was – in a disheveled, cranky state. Luckily Chris was at school until 10:30PM and it rained like mad so I had both the solitude and storm to suit my mood. On Tuesday, I decided to continue the downward spiral and would have kept at it today had I not had errands to run outside.
After awhile of walking around outside in the sun, my dark mood had left and then it hit me – The Thought. The Thought came like a bolt of lightening and I just knew that my book was going to be published. I hadn’t thought about my book since I sent it off months ago. Yet somehow The Thought told me it would get published. Although The Thought didn’t tell me how, it didn’t matter. Just knowing made it OK.
When I get home I’m feeling good, excited and even a little nervous without knowing why. I check my email and there’s a new one. It’s not from a friend, it’s not site feedback, it’s not even spam. It’s from a very interested NY agent from an agency that represented my favourite book.
She says she found my web site from the Another Girl at Play site and loved both of them. She thought they’d make great books and when she saw that I was working on turning my sites into books she became excited. In fact, she was interested in possibly representing me! She ended her email with a note to ring her back.
Before I called her back I had to do two things – scream and check out her credentials. I screamed as I danced around the flat (much to the confusion of the cat) then checked out the Writers Market book as well as a few other literary sources. Sure enough, she and her agency are listed. I read about her and liked what she had to say and wanted to ring her straight back and tell her so. However, I knew I couldn’t ring her up gushing like a school girl so I decided to take a long walk to rid myself of the nervous energy.
When I finally did make the call, we talked a little about the book and my vision for it. She seemed genuinely interested and gave me some other ideas for the Another Girl at Play book. Before hanging up, I agreed to send her my book proposal and she agreed to contact me in a few weeks. We’ll see what happens with this.
Maybe this is the big thing? It’s not the new direction I was looking for since I was already on this path, but maybe this will lead me somewhere else. It’s a start, anyway and sometimes that’s all I need.
Alex
With the book proposal finished and ready to go out, I am getting back to my business of travel writing.
A lot of things (research, queries, & articles) were put on hold while the proposal was in the works. I felt like I couldn’t start or finish anything else until I finished one project. It was as though I was punishing myself work-wise by saying, “you have to finish one project before you begin the next.”
For me, this is a dangerous way of thinking as I am someone who enjoys having their hands in multiple projects. The excitement of things in the works keeps me going while concentrating on one project hours on end makes me bored and resentful.
In fact, now I’m back up to speed with a renewed sense of energy that I haven’t felt since last spring. My hands are into everything and I’ve fallen in love with my work all over again.
Being OK with how differently I do things stems from the knowledge that it works – for me. Trying to fit “regular schedules” or others’ ideas of how things are done, doesn’t. As a creative person, I thrive in the freedom I’m allowed, and when I try to take that away from myself to be normal, I begin to fail.
Since I have the freedom to work as I please, I’m going to enjoy it whether it be up until 5AM as I was this morning, or waking at 8AM to begin it all over again.
I have a lot of work to do and I’m glad of that not only because I love to work, but love what I do and the freedom I have to do it in. If I stop doing things they way I like to do them, then I’ll eventually just stop being interested in my work as I found this summer.
And there’s nothing good in that.
Words included: “It is possible. not easy, not overnight, not without pain,” and “If it’s nagging you and you choose to ignore it, it’ll continue to nag you until you do it. If you don’t do it, you’ll hate yourself and would always think ‘what if’.” and “If you don’t stand up for what you want, then it’s not going to happen. You made one of your dreams come true, I’m sure you could make another one. Besides, if it’s difficult, that’ll just make the rewards all the sweeter.”
