Nov. 20, 2002
Andrea,
Girl, you won’t believe what’s happening.
I spent the past two days in a state – oh I am telling you it was the saddest, most pitiful state you have ever witnessed someone being in. Since coming back from San Francisco, I realised how unhappy I’ve been with my current state. I realised I wanted to be more, do more, see more. I felt like I had completed one phase of my life (the inspirational writing, the writing on writing, the Web sites, the only being a writer) and I was ready for the next. The only problem? I wasn’t sure what the next phase was.
Usually I love a good mystery but because of the indecision and restlessness I’ve felt as of late, I wanted to know what it was that I was feeling. Sometimes the unknown is scary. Despite the uncertainty of the future, I had a feeling (though very small) that everything would be OK. I felt that I wouldn’t feel small for long because something bigger, better, and more real was going to take over. However, sometimes a “feeling” doesn’t provide comfort, and I had been edgy without knowing what would come next. Self-doubt started to take over because I wasn’t going anywhere; I didn’t want to remain in the same place but I wasn’t sure how to take the next step. The want of something different without the knowledge of how to get it was frustrating me.
This Monday when I woke-up I literally said, “I so fucking give up today” – and I did. Instead of trying to get to a place I didn’t have directions to I stayed right where I was – in a disheveled, cranky state. Luckily Chris was at school until 10:30PM and it rained like mad so I had both the solitude and storm to suit my mood. On Tuesday, I decided to continue the downward spiral and would have kept at it today had I not had errands to run outside.
After awhile of walking around outside in the sun, my dark mood had left and then it hit me – The Thought. The Thought came like a bolt of lightening and I just knew that my book was going to be published. I hadn’t thought about my book since I sent it off months ago. Yet somehow The Thought told me it would get published. Although The Thought didn’t tell me how, it didn’t matter. Just knowing made it OK.
When I get home I’m feeling good, excited and even a little nervous without knowing why. I check my email and there’s a new one. It’s not from a friend, it’s not site feedback, it’s not even spam. It’s from a very interested NY agent from an agency that represented my favourite book.
She says she found my web site from the Another Girl at Play site and loved both of them. She thought they’d make great books and when she saw that I was working on turning my sites into books she became excited. In fact, she was interested in possibly representing me! She ended her email with a note to ring her back.
Before I called her back I had to do two things – scream and check out her credentials. I screamed as I danced around the flat (much to the confusion of the cat) then checked out the Writers Market book as well as a few other literary sources. Sure enough, she and her agency are listed. I read about her and liked what she had to say and wanted to ring her straight back and tell her so. However, I knew I couldn’t ring her up gushing like a school girl so I decided to take a long walk to rid myself of the nervous energy.
When I finally did make the call, we talked a little about the book and my vision for it. She seemed genuinely interested and gave me some other ideas for the Another Girl at Play book. Before hanging up, I agreed to send her my book proposal and she agreed to contact me in a few weeks. We’ll see what happens with this.
Maybe this is the big thing? It’s not the new direction I was looking for since I was already on this path, but maybe this will lead me somewhere else. It’s a start, anyway and sometimes that’s all I need.
Alex
August 21, 2002
With the book proposal finished and ready to go out, I am getting back to my business of travel writing.
A lot of things (research, queries, & articles) were put on hold while the proposal was in the works. I felt like I couldn’t start or finish anything else until I finished one project. It was as though I was punishing myself work-wise by saying, “you have to finish one project before you begin the next.”
For me, this is a dangerous way of thinking as I am someone who enjoys having their hands in multiple projects. The excitement of things in the works keeps me going while concentrating on one project hours on end makes me bored and resentful.
In fact, now I’m back up to speed with a renewed sense of energy that I haven’t felt since last spring. My hands are into everything and I’ve fallen in love with my work all over again.
Being OK with how differently I do things stems from the knowledge that it works – for me. Trying to fit “regular schedules” or others’ ideas of how things are done, doesn’t. As a creative person, I thrive in the freedom I’m allowed, and when I try to take that away from myself to be normal, I begin to fail.
Since I have the freedom to work as I please, I’m going to enjoy it whether it be up until 5AM as I was this morning, or waking at 8AM to begin it all over again.
I have a lot of work to do and I’m glad of that not only because I love to work, but love what I do and the freedom I have to do it in. If I stop doing things they way I like to do them, then I’ll eventually just stop being interested in my work as I found this summer.
And there’s nothing good in that.
August 19, 2002
Words included: “It is possible. not easy, not overnight, not without pain,” and “If it’s nagging you and you choose to ignore it, it’ll continue to nag you until you do it. If you don’t do it, you’ll hate yourself and would always think ‘what if’.” and “If you don’t stand up for what you want, then it’s not going to happen. You made one of your dreams come true, I’m sure you could make another one. Besides, if it’s difficult, that’ll just make the rewards all the sweeter.”
August 15, 2002
I’ve learned that most book proposals take 3-6 months of continuous writing to complete. Thirty-five pages is the average length of a book proposal and the hours? Countless.
Knowing that the book proposal process is one of the hardest things a writer can do should comfort me – but it doesn’t. I’m frustrated with it all, and sometimes I feel like just giving up.
I’m told there isn’t a market for a book like mine – no one wants to read journals or stories on pursuing a dream. Yet with the countless emails and visitors to my site, I beg to differ. I’m unsure, however, if I should differ so loudly.
My travel writing is going well, and I’m to do some public speaking. That should be enough, though if it were, I wouldn’t have the nagging feeling to finish the proposal and get my book published. And if I’ve learned anything over the last year, it’s to listen to your gut. Because it won’t hush until you do something about it.
June 13, 2002
Re-reading my rejected book proposal, I understand completely why it wasn’t accepted. Based on what I had written, even I would have turned it down.
Instead of telling an agent or publisher they needed to publish my book, I coyly asked them. Instead of giving them my vision I asked them to find one. I told them what I thought I could and wanted to do, instead of telling them what I had already done. On top, my proposal was weak, redundant, and lacked confidence.
It was hard to see that when I first wrote it because not only was it my first book proposal, it was my first major effort. I was so emotionally involved in it that I couldn’t step back and really look at it – or myself. I decided that the second proposal should not only be better, but be done a different way.
I re-wrote the proposal and still felt something wasn’t right. My judgement was impaired, as I had been staring at the same words for so long they had begun to lose meaning. I asked a good friend to read my proposal and give me some much needed feedback.
After reading it, she told me that I had some good lines in there and was on the right track, but said that I had failed to mention in it where I had kicked ass.
“It sounds a bit like you are trying to convince the reader that you will work really hard and try a lot and then you will become this thing that they want you to be.
You are already it!
You already rock the house!
You’ve already written a book!
You’ve already created several web sites that kick ass!
You have already created a HUGE fan base!”
Said point blank like that, her words hit me really hard. I hadn’t realised all that I had accomplished because I still thought of myself as still learning, not complete, not anywhere or anyone. Because I’m wrapped up in the process and work alone, it’s hard for me to step outside myself and really see what I’ve done. I forget that I have actually become something, rather than am still becoming.
With that kick in the ass I was able to rewrite my proposal from an entirely new angle – one with confidence.
I wrote exactly what my book was about, who I was about and why it needs to be published. I outlined all my success, my abilities, and my accomplishments. Tooting my own horn at first felt uncomfortable and I sometimes thought twice about doing so. However, I’ve been working hard for a year and a half and have made major headway and have amazing projects happening now that it’d be a lie for me to ignore them. After all, isn’t this what I’ve been working for?
My proposal is now almost complete as I just tweak the grammar and a few lines here and there. The difference between my first and second attempt is like night and day and I’m really proud of what I’ve accomplished.
Instead of feeling like the rejection I received was the end of the world, I asked myself why it was rejected and what I could do to improve – and I did. This lifestyle is all about continuous learning and bettering myself because of that. Although it can be hard and frustrating at times, in the long run it’s a really amazing process. And instead of taking a step back when something doesn’t work out, I’m able to take two forward.
April 09, 2002
It’s done. I just typed the last of it and now it’s ready to be mailed out. I am both excited and nervous as hell.
In January I started to transform everything I’d written on the website into a book. I worked overtime learning how to edit, write proposals, market the work, find an agent, and land a book deal. I worked on my book proposal literally day and night for a couple of weeks. But then one day I made a conscious decision and just stopped working on the book completely.
It wasn’t that I had lost interest in creating a book – I hadn’t. And it wasn’t because I was unsure how to turn it into a book – I knew exactly what to do with regards to the business side. But I stopped because I wasn’t entirely sure at that time why I was creating a book. Until that point, I had been doing it purely from a business point of view, and that left the book without personal direction.
So I took three months off from it to figure it out.
When I was in San Francisco, something inside me clicked – the timing to finish the book now seemed so right. I had energy and enthusiasm to finish the sample chapters and rework my proposal. I also finally had an understanding of what I wanted to book to do and how it would end. When I asked myself why the direction and timing seemed right now and not two months ago, I discovered the answer was pretty simple.
Three months ago I was just becoming comfortable with being a writer, with being an inspiration, and being read by people. Three months ago, I wasn’t aware of all that I had achieved or the personal transformation I had made. Three months ago, I didn’t understand that there really was a beginning, middle and a good ending spot for the book, instead I was just on automatic pilot writing it.
However now, I knew exactly why I want to create and publish my book and it was because I was now aware of the journey I had taken to get where I am. Both my book and I have direction, confidence and understanding that wasn’t there when I first began the proposal in January.
With a new understanding, I’ve spent the last week working hard on my proposal – harder than I have worked on anything in my life. I feel that it’s complete and that all I can do now is send it out to an agent and wait and see.
It’s scary; I’m not going to lie. Over the course of creating my proposal I’ve thought about just not doing it, because it’s harder to get rejected if you just don’t submit anything. But I have to trust that my belief in what I’ve done, combined with the focused efforts of creating a proposal, will be enough.
And if it’s not the first time around, there’s always the second.
Elsewhere