June 04, 2001

The first thing I wrote on the website was a thank you letter. In that letter I wrote, “On Monday, I am going to give notice at my job. I am not going to be a corporate girl. I am going to trust the universe and be a writer.” When I wrote that, I don’t know how much I actually believed that if I followed my heart, my calling, my passion that it would actually work out. I had a lot of doubt about the whole ‘trusting the universe’ thing. I had no way of knowing if it was a gimmick or if it would really work.

It works. I am here to tell you that I am living proof that following your heart works.

On the day that I gave notice to my job, I called SARK’s voicemail line that she has printed in her books. For some reason I felt a huge need to thank her. I had never met her but she had been a huge influence, a role model, a guide, and in some twisted way, a friend. I felt if anyone understood the struggle to listen to your heart, the challenge of living your dream, and the desire to write she would. So I left her a message saying how she had affected me and how I was now on a journey to some day be a writer as well. I told her that I wanted to go from being “Alex the Girl” to “Alex the Woman” and that by becoming a writer, I just might be able to do that. At the end of the message I left her my website address.

A few weeks after leaving the message I found out that SARK was going to be on a book signing tour in my city. Of course I had to go.

Tonight Chris and I went to listen to her speak about her new book. For a little over an hour, she spoke, she laughed, and she shared parts of her book, her ideas and bits of life. What I loved most was when she would giggle at herself.

After she spoke, the book signing process began. I was one of the last people in a very long line and stood in it for around forty-five minutes. The bookstore people would periodically walk down the line and say, “She won’t be here much longer, so you might not get to see her.” My heart sank when I would hear them say that because I felt that I had to see her. Not just to have my book signed, but because of another reason I wasn’t exactly sure of.

To help speed up the line process, an assistant came out and asked us our names that we wanted to have SARK sign in our books. She asked me what my name was, I told her, and on a bright pink post it note she wrote:

The nearer I got to SARK, the more this feeling inside me grew that I had to add “the girl” under my name. Standing in line I couldn’t see a pen anywhere so I thought that was a sign to just leave my name as Alex. I promise that as soon as I said that, I saw a pen right beside me on the counter.

What the hell I thought and under A L EX I scribbled:

A few minutes later I got up to SARK and handed her my book. She opened it up and saw the bright pink post it note and in a loud and excited voice said, “You’re Alex the Girl?”

“Yes,” I said rather stunned.

“I know you!” She exclaimed. “You left a wonderful voicemail for me awhile ago, didn’t you?”

“Yes I did” I smiled back.

“I loved it! I saved it and listened to it a few times. It was wonderful! I wanted to contact you but I’ve been so busy with everything.”

I, the girl that has a witty retort and the oh so amazing conversational skills said nothing. I was stunned. She knew me? She recognised my name? The only thing I could think to say back was “Well I can imagine you’ve been super busy, I understand.” (This is why I think perhaps it is a good thing I want to be a writer and not a people greeter.)

She said, “You should have told me sooner who you were! I’ve been to your website, I love it! What you’re doing is fabulous! Really!”

“Thank you,” I said. “So you got my thank you message, I am really glad.”

“Yes I did. Please contact me again, I want to hear from you.” She said with a smile and sturdy eyes that I’m sure twinkled no less than Santa’s ever could have.

“Thank you,” I said and shook her hand.

In a daze I went to find my husband. “She knew me,” was all I could sputter out to him.

To have someone whose work I admire, who probably has gone through everything I am going through right now, tell me they liked my work, was incomprehensible to me. It made me feel like I was on the right track.

On the drive home, Chris & I were talking and I told him that perhaps the universe would come through after all. When I got home, I had emails from two people who I’ve been waiting to hear back from. I wrote them about some writing opportunities and they had responded. It seems like all this writing is becoming real. You can’t imagine how overwhelming that feeling is.

Tonight I just had complete validation for what I’m doing. I know now that this is real. The encouragement, the meeting with people, the talking, the living it all out, is such an amazing thing. I think that’s why I am so glad to have the website, to show that when you choose to accept your dream, it really does come true. Who would have thought?

June 03, 2001

Since I have been working at home, most people don’t think that I am actually working. Even though I pound away on the keyboard all morning, write down abstract ideas all the time, and submit things for publication, people tend to think that because I am not 9-5′ing in an office, that I just sit around at home all day and sometimes do a little thing called writing.

“Now that you’re not working, we can go on vacation for a week or two!” my husband said to me. Although I wanted to go, I had concerns about taking off for so long. How would I write? How would I continue to make contacts? How would I keep my momentum going?

I thought I would somehow figure it all out and so for one week, we went on holiday. I wrote a couple of times that trip, got some really good ideas for some new writing projects, and felt I had made some progress in my endeavors. However, that all ended by the third day of our travels and for the rest of the trip I didn’t write. “I’m on holiday,” I would think, “I can’t work!”

Upon coming home from our trip, some friends said to me, “Now that you’re not working, you can come and stay with me and help me with some things!” I thought about it and thought that I did have the time now and I thought I could find some time to write while I’m there. So off I went and stayed with my friends for a few days, but was so tired at the end of each day, I didn’t even write in my journal.

When I came home from that trip, my in-laws had arrived from out of town for a few days. “Now that you’re not working,” they said, “We can finally spend some time with you!”

Between shuffling them to and from the hotel and to every tour company known to God, my energy for writing had vanished.

I had all these things popping up, imposing on my time as a writer. It had messed up my pattern, my work habits, and my train of thought.

It’s not that I didn’t want to write – I did. It’s not that I couldn’t write – I could have. But I had “when I get around to it” going through my . I had “when I get the time” going through my . I had, “when things settle down” going through my . But I think the most important thing I had going through my was the same thoughts as everyone else: “Since I’m not working anymore…”

Even though I had declared a month ago that I wanted to write for a living, it has taken me a month to realise that this really is my job. It’s taken me a month to realise that if I don’t work, if I don’t try, if I don’t focus, then nothing happens. This is my job now.

So tonight when my mum in law said, “now that you’re not working, are you going to write?” I was able to reply without hesitation, “I am working, now that I am writing.”

June 01, 2001

I have been featured on a website called, “Silicon Sally” which is a tech based website for women. After skimming around the website I was impressed. They had a lot of impressive women on their site and attracted a large number of viewers.
featured!

I was stunned, however, that I was featured on that website and had the words, “site launched” over my image. It was like I was had professional website that people had been waiting for to launch because I had something interesting going on. I suppose in some way that’s true. I just never really think of it that way.

I guess it still hasn’t hit me, all of this. I’m thinking when it does, it’s going to knock me over. But I’m ready.

May 18, 2001

I am not an emotional type soul, really. I don’t carry around tissues because I don’t cry at everything. I don’t see cute little furry animals or babies and coo and say “awww.” I’m not out there hugging the world. I change channels when I see the little biafrans asking for money.

However, I’ve been a little emotional the last few days because of people’s reactions to me.

I have found myself linked on sites with the most complimentary words you could imagine. People telling me they like my words, they relate to my words. They like my design, my style. This means a lot to me, because they’re writing all of this based on my portfolio site, my work site, my dream site. It makes me feel as though what I’ve chosen to do, write, is the right thing. I’m overwhelmed by all the positive energy I’ve received from people. It’s making writing at 3AM or coding at 4AM a little easier to bare. The big projects now seem so worth it.

So, thank you, anyone, who believes even just a little.

May 17, 2001

I did it. I submitted two articles to a magazine for possible publication. They wanted women writers who could write about every day life in a unique, witty kind of way. I thought that was me. I could be wrong.

I am now going to wait for the rejection letters. They say rejection builds character, and I have a feeling I will be getting a lot of character.

I suppose the main thing to remember is that I am making attempts and that feels almost as wonderful as being published. (Note, I said almost)

May 14, 2001

One of the hardest things about writing is to understand that the first thing you type can’t – and shouldn’t – be perfect. This is hard to understand.

On my first day as a freelance writer, I truly believed that I would sit down and write the most entertaining, thought provoking, interesting sentences you could have ever read. Of course, on my first day as a freelance writer those wonderful perfect sentences were not very wonderful.

After spending an hour writing down a brilliant idea I had, I’d give up. I’d think of how much time I had just wasted writing garbage. No one’s going to be interested in that, I’d think.

I kept thinking that it had to come out perfect the first time and that was a very frustrating thing to think. I forgot that sometimes you just have to write for the sake of writing Almost like the way an athelete has to practice every day to stay in shape, regardless if they’re going out for a big race or not.

I told myself that at least I kept writing and capturing the ideas I had. Things was training for me and perhaps in time there’d even be an idea somewhere in one of these daily writings.

I’m not always good at just letting the words come out without stopping them, but I’m working on it. I’m slowly getting into the pattern of writing without thinking. Which could be a dangerous thing if that’s all I ever do but for the moment, it’s actually a very freeing feeling.

My inner critic works very hard and I’m trying to stop them for the next little bit while I just get the writer out first.

May 13, 2001

Before I tried to be a writer, I was doing a fantastic job of being one. I wrote constantly in my spare time and recorded every idea I had when I thought of it. I would work on something at 2am and not think anything of it. Lunch breaks weren’t for lunch, but for fitting in some writing. My mind was always whirling around trying this language over that. I played with words, indulged myself in thought. I played. I was relaxed and the writing just flowed. Lately, I’ve just been coming up dry and I think it’s because I’ve been trying too hard.

Perhaps it’s a little like beginners luck – when you don’t know how to play the game, you win.

When I decided to do writing full time, I changed. I thought I had to follow a pattern, I had to be productive and measure that somehow. I thought there were rules to writing, structure to follow. I had read so many books that told me if you want to be a writer you have to do x,y, and z each day or you won’t be anything more than someone who just puts words together. I thought I had to become what other people thought a writer was.

I was wrong.

I have been reading the book The Right to Write by Brenda Ueland and I think it is one of the best books out there for people who want to write. In it, Brenda Ueland says that you can’t just pick a time and sit down to write and expect your brain to just start creating . You have to write when it strikes you.

It turns out, I’d been doing it right all along.

So instead of trying to follow all the guidelines and rules on writing, and instead of trying to force my brain to come up with ideas at precisely 10am each day, I instead went back to my chaotic way of writing, and it felt good. Ideas started to flow again and instead of hesitating I’d write them down straight away. I’d work when I could and I didn’t worry about if I was doing the correct “writer” ways.

I started to create momentum again and things began to happen. I came into contact with various artists who offered me guidance. I tweaked all those 2am ideas and contacted various magazines with some possibilities for freelancing.

When I opened up my mind and gave into writing, the universe responded back by giving me opportunity. And this time, I’m not going to let it slip by.

May 09, 2001

I’m always so very good at having ideas and projects in my head. The only trouble I seem to have is putting them into action. It’s not for lack of want or passion or energy. I think it’s because I overwhelm myself with so many ideas, I’m never sure where to start.

I’ve started getting into a morning routine, so that at least each day I know what to do for sure. It sort of centres me, grounds me and I desperately need this right now if any of this is going to work.

I should scratch that last sentence; it sounds too negative, especially since I know it will work. The excitement in my toes and the smile on my lips and the encouragement of others tells me so. It’s still hard to believe.

I’ve decided that I’m going to use these days as a morning pages exercise, although I’m not going to write about my daily life, how I hoovered, what I baked, or that I did manage to find a great sale on toilet paper at the local store. It’s going to be strictly about art and writing and creativity. I have to start getting this all out rather than keeping it all in. How will anyone know what it really takes if the information is sitting in my brain?

And I feel it has to come about because I am still getting emails from people saying, “I am stuck in my old dull life, I wish that I could do what you’re doing.” And I want to find them, and go to them, grab them by the shoulders and give them a little shake and then whisper into their ear You can do it. You can. Just try. Try.

Since I can’t find everyone, I have to use this site to communicate that. I have to get people to listen. I have to accomplish something.

I woke up to several emails in my email box after a long time of it being quiet. Words for encouragement I received. Compliments, questions, invitations. It was amazing to me. I think, no matter how emails I’ve got, I will never be used to the words “thank you” I am just me, I have no magic.

May 08, 2001

I woke up this morning with a terrible cold. Rather that being miserable about using more Kleenex than is humanly possible, I was actually happy about feeling ill.

If I’m sick I can’t be creative, right? I don’t have to worry about trying and failing. All I have to worry about is if I am warm enough in my bed and have a lot of tissues near by.
I was ok with that train of thought for about an hour, when I realised I was just making excuses. I have been so afraid of starting something because I have been afraid to finish it. That sounds like the most absurd thing the world, doesn’t it? But it’s true.

After realising that, I decided that runny nose or not, I have to get my arse in gear. I have to really start treating this like a job or nothing will happen.

So I started to work slowly this morning on little projects I knew I could handle. I ended up working steadily without breaking or noticing time. I began to get things in order and when I looked at the clock, over five hours had passed. Instead of making excuses I did something. Perhaps it wasn’t a lot but it is something that wasn’t there yesterday.