Girls Guide to City Life launches!

Finally, after months of hard work, Girls Guide to City Life
has finally launched! A site dedicated to sharing the best the city has to offer from expensive outings to thrifty finds, if it’s something you need to know, it’s something we’ve covered.

Why Art Matters

To communicate something of what I feel about what we do as artists, as musicians and as human beings. The sun will not fall down from the sky if there are no more [artists]. The world can and will go on without us but I have to think that we have made this world a better place. That we have left it richer, wiser than had we not chosen the way of art. The older I get, the less I know but I am certain that what we do matters. You must know what you want to do in life, you must decide, for we cannot do everything. Do not think [art] is an easy career. IT is a lifetime’s work; it does not stop here. What matters is that you use whatever you have learned wisely. – Maria Callas

I was watching Faye Dunaway’s play “Master Class” based on the infamous opera singer Maria Callas (Unfortunately the play is no longer going and it’s not available on DVD – I only had access to it because Faye dropped it off. You’ll have to wait until she makes the movie). And of all the things I’ve heard about being an artist and what it means and advice given and stories told, I would have to say that this play is the only thing that ever shook my core and made the hair on my arms stand in attention. “This is not an opera! This is LIFE” she says to a student who sings without passion, and sings because someone told him he could and he thought it’d be a great job to make him famous. She goes on to explain to him that because she was living every moment that she sang, she was great. Because he goes through the motions and removes himself from it all, he isn’t.

Why this struck me so was that often people tend to want to take on jobs that they think they should, or that they’re good at or that will get them somewhere. They tend to think of work as work, art as art, and life as everything that happens outside. But life is everything. Life is the act of living. There is no separation from work, art and life. She goes on to say that a person should know what they want to do in life and live it. That to scatter the mind with half wants and ideas is a waste – choose something and go after it with life. And, when you subscribe to the theory that there is no separation between life and work then one really ought to only do what they love. Isn’t that the truth.

Creating a company of values and balance.

When I first began the transformation into a company, it was all about me, me, me as I had felt the four years previous as a solitary writer had completely drained me. It was a one woman show that left me with no buffer from all the people who wanted things from me; from the 200+ emails a day from people wanting advice, to editors wanting stories, to reporters wanting interviews and people just wanting to know me to see where it could get them and other authors who wanted to steal my work (and often did). By the time I decided to stop writing full-time in 2004, I felt that my life had belonged to others; that I gave and gave and gave but hadn’t been replenished.

Although all my work had always generated a lot of success and attention, I was never really satisfied because I felt often used, tired, drained, not fun and without passion. I didn’t want to make that mistake again because I wanted to do something that energised and made me feel as good as the viewer. When I decided to change direction and create a company, all I could think about was how this time I wouldn’t give everything away, I would get to be in charge, I would just do fun things and not worry so much about others and if my content had substance and that everything was real. Besides, I had worked so hard for so long that I just wanted to rebel against all that I had done and instead just have some fun without worrying about what it would all mean. I began a few projects just because they sounded like fun to me – something I desperately needed.

The projects were based on good ideas, some great content and were generating lots of interest. However after awhile of working on these projects I stepped back. I looked at what I was doing only to realise I wasn’t really doing anything and that nothing could really come from my current projects because I didn’t have a solid reason behind any of it. I was running so far from where I had begun that I went to the opposite side which is just the same situation flipped. It was then I understood that my work had to have balance between giving and receiving because without balance, there could be no success. I began to write down things that were important to me; helping people make the ordinary extraordinary, being useful, being creative, having freedom to do what I want, making money at what I love to do, enjoying life, having fun, helping others live their potential while I strive for mine, creating community, being authentic, cultivating success, doing work that matters. And when I looked at these values and compared them with the direction I was going in, I realised I wanted to keep on the same journey, but I had to take a different road. If I didn’t, I would end up like before when I was a full-time writer; having success outwardly, but not from within. All the values had to be met to have full success. Balance.

By bringing my values into my projects, my projects began to change. I began to feel more connected, more excited, and a lot more energised. I began to meet with new people who were on the same vibe and their energy brought new life into the projects and helped me look at things differently. It made me think about more projects I want to do, movies that I’ll produce down the road and books that will come out soon enough. Knowing what my reasons were for running a company helped eliminate a lot of self-doubt and fears. Fears such as success, enjoyment, being fluff, having too much fun and cultivating wealth. That last fear was lingering around because it was hard for me to fathom making a lot of money by just doing what I loved. Although I had made a great income as a writer and artist, I knew I could do more but felt perhaps that was wrong somehow; that making bazillions was evil, arrogant and just plain wrong. But I’ve realised it’s not if it’s made by the values one has and if the getting is balanced by the receiving.

I had once read about this idea in the book The Ten Percent Solution by Marc Allen and although I always believed the more you gave the more you received, I’d never quite done 10% – I always thought I might need it and was scared to give it away. Instead, I’d give time, goods and small amounts, holding back out of fear that I wouldn’t have enough to give because I wouldn’t make enough to live. But I know that with balance, passion and commitment, you can get what you want if you’re open to it. And now I’m open to it and committed to giving 10% of all company revenue to charity. That’s the first public change to go into place and one I think I’m most excited about.

There’s a way to be fabulous and fancy but at the same time have substance and give back. The two don’t compete, they compliment. Work hard and play hard. Balance, balance, balance, right?

July 26, 2004

July 17, 2004

I just feel the need to say one simple thing: I am just a girl who one day woke up and decided she had had enough of the life she didn’t love and decided to change that. That’s all.

It wasn’t money that got me to where I am, it wasn’t years of education, contacts, superpowers, conferences, or books. What got me to where I am is the simple act of making a decision and following through no matter what.

It is possible. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. And don’t ever buy into the sales pitch that it only happens to others, that you have to buy their books, do it their way, mimic their life, have to have their hair, clothes, connections. All you need is you and the ability to say, “Today, I am going to do what I need to do – however it needs to be done, in any way I can, and for as long as it takes. I will.”

July 12, 2004

I beg you… to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer… rainer maria rilke

July 05, 2004

Generally not one for museums or dishing about art work (Ah, yes, I see the history of humanities suffering in that yellow blob) I was unexplainable eager to see the van Gogh exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum.

Although I own volumes of his letters and writings, his artwork was a mystery to me. All I knew was he was it when it came to great artists. His works was posters for crying out loud! When people thought of important works of art his name would always come up. His work is so far up the scale that mere mortals were never supposed to do what he did. He�s an icon, a legend, a master.

Because of this, I had always had the notion he was born this way. He came out of the womb with a brush and went to work. His style was always there � or so I believed.

The exhibit showed some of his famous paintings and portraits but what they also showed were his drawings. This is where I spent most of my time because this is where I received a lesson.

Van Gogh had tried several (unsuccessful) careers before he decided to pursue art at 27. And when he first began he made simple sketches of life around him. In the drawings on display one could see some of his mistakes, hard lines, and sometimes shabby movements. What struck me most about these images was how simple they were, drawn by a man who was trying to learn.

When he first began to paint he mimicked other artists and their way of doing things; he didn�t have a style, direction or vision. His way of painting – the greatness – would happen later on, after years of practice and confidence. It also wouldn’t be recognised until after his death for during the rest of his life, he was just a man who tried to paint.

Sometimes, we remove the humanity from great people; putting them on pedestals so high they become separated from us. We think we can never obtain their greatness because we aren�t where they are. What we should think is we aren�t where they are yet. For we all have to start somewhere to become something.

June 26, 2004

I’ve been entertaining the idea of writing just a little; I still like to write about travel and spas with hopes of sharing my experience so that someone can create their own. When I thought about writing an article on a recent spa trip it felt like I was catching up with an old friend, and I discovered I wasn’t quite ready to let her go. I realised I enjoy writing as a special guest and not as a permanent housemate. I can�t write as a career anymore because I don�t like the pressure, the isolation and I don’t really like the “creative community” as it were. I want to write when I feel like it, on the side, but pursue my other dreams full on.

I’ll not be doing anymore design either. If I choose to redo a website for myself or paint up a project because I’m moved to one afternoon, that one thing but to do it for others � no. No more. I want to enjoy my creativity in a very selfish, hobby kind of way and not as a way of making a living anymore. It was overwhelming to deal with so many requests every day, trying to please everyone, doing for the sake of doing, being a part of inauthentic groups, feeling like I had to keep parts of myself quiet so as not to offend. No, I�m done with that.

When I first began to write, I thought I would have loved to be where I am right now but now, I really am retreating from myself and where I’ve been placed. This perhaps sounds odd and people often question why now, at the “height” as it were, when my name is out there and people are begging me to work with them, that I would turn it all away.

What I’ve learned is that a lot of people do a lot of things for the wrong reasons. So much lying, deceit, backstabbing, inauthentic behaviour, well, I didn’t bargain for this. I tried to accept all that and just do my thing in spite but it really affected me. It bothers me to see people writing books on being supportive, on making dreams real, on living out loud but then to see the real side of them � the side you get to see when you�re a friend, a peer, a speaking partner. It’s ugly.

I remember when I spoke at a conference and one woman, who so wants to be famous, was to speak as well on all her muses. She didn’t like me. For whatever reason, she hated me. And she sat right in the front row of my speech with a scowl on her face the whole time to prove it. Yet, her book is about creativity, helping each other, being kind. This woman was really, anything but.

I once I dished with a friend over cheesecake and Thai rolls about creativity, my beliefs and what I’d do. She went and made a book about it and stopped talking to me. This didn’t really surprise me because this woman was deeply flawed – and I don’t mean in a juicy way. She was bitter, bitchy, insecure, competitive and in desperate need of attention. Yet, she’s thought of as this kind, generous, truthful woman who has her shit together (I beg to differ). The fakeness, the lying to her public as it were, bothered me, as did the lying to her friends.

Then there are the online cliques. You know, groups of us whose names are always together. The thing is, people who are grouped together in this way, all start talking alike. Their personalities melt together. If one doesn’t talk the right way or has a disagreement with another one, the whole clique will ostracize that one person. You have to lie, watch what you say, be careful and kiss ass to remain in the cool kids group. I couldn’t take that anymore. I couldn’t take having to change who I am to fit into some group � especially a group that is so internally mean, insecure and damaging. Oh, you�d be surprised who they are.

People who write books and give workshops on how to become yourself yet take their royalties to get boob jobs and nose jobs bug me. How can they keep lying to themselves and their readers? What�s with all this lying?

I just didn’t want to lie. I didn’t want to write some happy book just to sell it, just to get people to buy it, just to be some author. That’s not my goal. Being famous, not my goal, being well liked, not my goal. My goal? Is to have one hell of a life and enjoy it all. That�s it. And for the last year I haven’t been doing that. Instead, I’ve been watching so much drama unfold in the creative world that it’s made me be anything but.

When you work alone, strange things become important -like the web, email, and who’s doing what. Personally, that felt very strange and retarded. It bugged me to see all the blogs of people not telling the truth, trying to sound smart, trying to sound put together (and I know these people personally and know that they�re writing what they think they should write as not to offend people) and it bugged me to see people buying into it. You know, the minions, the groupies, the fans. People who post comments on all the cool kids blogs, wanting to be noticed, wanting to offer support, wanting something from people who really don’t have anything to give. It becomes a sick cycle. That’s a huge reason why I never had comments on here – I don’t want to feed people or be fed by people�’s reactions. I don’t read press about myself, I don’t read comments about myself and for the longest while, I haven�t been reading email. I don’t want my opinion to come from others – good or bad. I’ve seen what happens when people work that way, and it�s very trapping.

Oh, I’m guilty of parts of this at times. I’m no angel and frankly, when you’re in something that works a certain way, it’s really hard to be the one to stand out. It’s actually really lonely and at times painful. People don’t want to mix with you, be friends with you, support you. So you keep your head down and your opinions to yourself.

I wanted my voice and freedom back. And to do that I felt I had to give up what I was in. I had to stop being a creative poster child, stop being part of a clique, stop seeing the inside dish of the creative community, stop knowing what was going on with people, stop being afraid, stop pursuing the road I was one and just give it all up.

Now that I don�t have to worry about making books, writing articles, keeping up with the Jones-s, life�s become a little bit easier and a lot more fun. I have freedom for the first time in a long time. Despite still not being sure how to move into a new direction, unsure of how to pursue my next dream, of still having fear, I have hope and calm – something that-s been missing for a long time. Too long.

If I could offer one thing to anyone else trying to go the road I did it would be to listen less to others and more to yourself. Don-t get caught up in the hype of who others are and what they have. No one is perfect and every story has editing. No one has all the answers and no one has it all together. Some can just make others believe this but they shouldn’t. It’s not fair, I don’t think.

For me, I knew that I could easily have said yes to indulging in a celebrity lifestyle. There are 90,000 hits a day to my sites, there were big name magazines offering me huge deals, there were tours and speaking engagements I could have made but I chose not to because that’s not me. That’s not what I got into this for. I didn’t want to be a personality, a something. I wanted to be a girl doing what she loves to do � and being something else wasn’t that.

A lot of people think I’m crazy for this because, as they say, if that’s the way it is, why not just do it? Why not take the money, the fame, the gigs? Oh, I know a billion others who could and, if they’re truthful about it, then good for them. But I don’t want to pretend or lie to anyone – especially myself. Because then you have to keep doing that and at the end of the day, you feel like shit because you don’t know who you are and what you’re doing. You feel like a loser because your real self isn’t good enough and you don’t want to disappoint others. You have to perpetuate the myth, the lies, the same old ideas because you’re trapped.

And like Anais Nin, I believe you’re never trapped unless you choose to be. And I’m choosing not to be by stopping it all now, and pursuing other things my way. And writing when I feel like it and not because I’m supposed to.

My Interview in “Make Your Creative Dreams Real”

SARK asked me to be in her new book and here’s my interview:

Do you have a creative dream?
I used to read books that would tell you to follow your dreams and I heard stories of people who had done just that. However, hearing those stories, would make me cringe because at twenty-seven I didn’t think I had a dream. I didn’t have a passion that I knew I was born to do or a road I felt I was meant to travel. I wanted a dream, but didn’t know how to get one and was jealous of those who did.

One day I ruffled through my childhood belongings and discovered story after story that I had written when I was young. I also found magazines I used to make and sell, books I had created complete with drawings and my journal from when I was eight years old. It was in that journal in which I boldly declared, “I am going to be a writer when I grow up.” Reading that line was like waking up; I not only remembered my dream, I remembered myself.

It would take me a while to be comfortable with that one dream and act on it, but once I did, I didn�t look back. In fact, it just led me to dream more and bigger.

Does anything stop or scare you?
The same thing that scares me about being creative is the same thing that excites me � possibility.

Knowing that any dream I have can become a reality if I just work at it both terrifies and thrills me. It’s scary to think that only I can hold myself back and that by working hard, I can have what I want. Sometimes this creates so much pressure that I just want to stop everything and wait until someone else will do it all for me, which, of course, never happens. At the same time, I enjoy the freedom of not having to rely on someone else to make my dream come true.

The challenge of making a dream real also excites me; it’s as though I test myself continuously by seeing if I can do something I’ve dreamed about. If someone says to me, “That’s not possible” or “You shouldn’t do that” I grin and think Oh, really� I get excited just by thinking about how I can do something someone told me I couldn’t.

Would you describe yourself as living your dream?
I know I’m living my dream because I wake up every day with wiggling toes and the feeling of possibility I didn�t have when I was an executive.

What have you done to live your creative dreams?
One day I decided to stop living the life I thought I was supposed to have and instead, began to live the life I was meant to have. To do this I had to stop listening to other people_s dreams and gain confidence in my own. I did that by reading books on writing, asking lots of questions but most of all, by doing something every day that would help make my dream real, instead of just remaining an idea.

What other creative dreams can you imagine doing?
I used to think my creative dream was to write, until I did that. Then I realized that the fantastic thing about creativity is that one idea leads to another and now, I have so many creative dreams that will last me until I am at least 102. Dreams such as selling artwork, opening an art collective, running a bed and breakfast in the South of France, acting, drawing the perfect stick figure, creating the most pink cake, writing travel books, singing in places other than my shower, and many more that I�m not aware of just yet.

Why are your creative dreams important to you?
When I began my corporate career in my mid-twenties, I gave up dreaming for being practical. When I did this, I became disconnected to myself; I was no longer happy, hopeful or excited about each day and instead of having dreams, I had nightmares. It took me years to remember a little dream I had of one day writing, but just remembering that one dream gave me hope. Having hope helped me to act on my possibilities and change from someone who existed to someone who lived. Without dreams, there is no hope, and that is essential for anyone�s survival.